Chapter 1 - Beginning Of my Uneventful Days (Part 1)

'What Do You Want to Do With Your Life?'

This question often seems straightforward, but its answers are deeply personal and widely varied. If someone were to ask me, I'd have to admit: I don't know. I'm not sure what my aspirations should be or which path I should pursue.

I've always believed that I could achieve almost anything with enough effort. Maybe I still believe that. I've always been able to pick up new skills and adapt to different situations. But this doesn't make me extraordinary. My learning tends to plateau at an intermediate level, and I can't match the brilliance of true experts in any field.

This limitation might explain why I struggle to commit to one pursuit. No matter how much I try, I often hit a point where progress seems impossible. This recurring frustration leaves me questioning my direction and is one of the reasons I feel so lost. It's this uncertainty that brought me here.

"So, you still haven't decided what to do?"

The question came from Honokawa Sensei, my teacher, as we sat across from each other in his consulting room. His calm, measured tone didn't do much to ease my anxiety.

"Listen, everyone else has already submitted their forms. You should finalize yours soon, too," he said.

I understand why teachers like him are so invested in our futures. Their role is to guide and help us succeed; when we do, it reflects well on their mentorship. I don't resent this, but their expectations feel overwhelming for someone like me, who has no clear ambition.

Sensei sighed and leaned back in his chair. After a pause, he opened a drawer, pulled out a document, and placed it on the desk.

"If you're undecided, you could consider continuing your studies and applying to college. It's not mandatory, but it's what most students your age are doing," he said.

At the time, I was in my second year of high school.

"You're a bit behind in preparation, but it's not too late. If you start now, you can still prepare for the college entrance exam. Your grades are decent, so you should be able to manage with effort."

Until that moment, I'd been so disconnected from the world that I hadn't even realized standardized college entrance exams were a thing. Sensei explained that the syllabus was similar to our high school curriculum but required more analytical thinking. He handed me the paper.

"This university is an excellent option. If you decide to go this route, it's a good place to aim for, and it's close by," he said.

Higashiyama University. I had never heard of it before, but I wasn't surprised. Most of what people talked about often went over my head. I'd stopped trying to keep up with the world long ago.

"That's all for the career guidance session. Make sure to submit your form by the end of the week," he concluded.

As I stood to leave, Sensei's voice stopped me.

"Listen, you need to express yourself more. No matter how skilled you are, if you can't articulate your thoughts, people won't recognize your potential," he said.

I turned back to see him looking at me with a mix of concern and encouragement. I nodded and walked out of the room.

What can I say? I have Nothing to say. I don't even know what to say.

I've always struggled to put my feelings into words. I am not sure what I am feeling most of the time. People often tell me to speak up, but they rarely consider how difficult it is to figure out what to say or whom to say it to. For me, the issue isn't just communication—it's understanding my own emotions.

Talk, they say. Easy for you to say.

I started preparing for the entrance exam without any real sense of purpose. My third year coincided with the COVID-19 lockdown, which shut down the country and left me isolated. For the first time, I was forced to confront parts of my life I'd ignored. Without the usual distractions of school and routine, I realized how disconnected I was from the world and how little effort I'd made to build meaningful relationships.

I continued studying, but it felt like I was moving forward without a destination. Meanwhile, I watched others adapt. They built new habits, stayed connected online, and found ways to thrive. In contrast, I withdrew further into myself. This disparity made me question whether I'd ever see a sense of purpose or belonging.

xxx

Still, I managed to pass the entrance exam and gain admission to Higashiyama University. The first semester was uneventful since all classes were online.

The second semester, however, marked a significant change. It was my first time physically stepping onto the university campus. The campus was massive, with sprawling green lawns, towering academic buildings, and tree-lined walkways. The crisp winter air rustled through the leaves, adding a tranquil yet overwhelming quality to the environment.

I left home unusually early that day, arriving long before classes began. The classrooms were locked, and there were no other students in sight. With Nothing else to do, I sat outside on the cold ground, waiting for the day to begin.

The chill of late winter didn't help my mood. It took me one and a half hours to travel via bus, and earlier that morning, I missed my bus stop and walked fifteen minutes to reach campus. By the time classes started, I was already irritable. I had to wait one more hour for the day to begin.

When I finally located my classroom, it was empty. I chose a seat and waited in silence. It was almost eight in the morning now, and slowly, other students began trickling in. The room became lively, with conversations filling the air. One voice stood out the most—a loud, confident guy who seemed to know everyone. He exuded an energy that drew attention effortlessly, including mine.

At one point, he grabbed a notebook from a girl sitting nearby. 

"Promise me you'll share your notes before exams," he teased.

The girl, Sakura Harao, was someone I recognized from online meetings during the first semester. She was well-liked, and her involvement in organizing events had made her somewhat of a familiar face. Their interaction seemed playful, and while it caught everyone's attention, no one interfered. The room soon returned to laughter and chatter, with Harao's group appearing the most vibrant.

I was also somewhat famous in a negative way. I have always joined these online events but have never spoken to anyone there. No one ever heard my voice. They probably didn't know my real face. So, I was pretty sure they would never talk to me or even think about me.

Because I was just a nobody who always sat in the corner, minding my business, that's the persona I was going with. I always wanted to talk to them but didn't know how to start talking since I had Nothing in common. 

A few of them were into anime, and I was all into it during lockdown. So I knew most of the anime they were talking about, but they were really into it. I could never do that. As I said, I could never master any skill and be a beginner until the end.  

I also had a slight interest in singing but didn't like my voice, so I was too shy to sing in front of people. I think I once sang in one of the online meetings when they asked for the talents. Everyone was hesitant, and it was awkward for the organizer. So I thought I could try singing something here. I did, and it had a positive review, and that was it. So, in the end, I gave up. Here we are, watching others and rotting in the corner like online events.

What was I even expecting?

The professor arrived shortly after, and the lecture proceeded without incident. I didn't speak to anyone. My classmates seemed to have established connections while I remained outside looking in. After class, as others stayed to socialize, I left the classroom.

I wandered to the upper floors of the building, where the corridors were almost empty. Finding an unoccupied classroom, I sat down to eat my lunch. The silence was deafening, and the rows of vacant seats around me amplified my sense of isolation. A wave of loneliness washed over me.

Sad? More like lonely.

I wanted to cry but couldn't. It felt like something heavy was pressing down on me, holding my emotions in check. I couldn't remember when the last time I cried was and what the reason for that was. A flashback of my high school days struck me: It's the same as high school; Nothing has changed.

After lunch, I returned to the lecture hall, which was already filling up.

"Hey, Tanaka," a voice called out. 

Turning around, I saw a skinny boy slightly shorter than me—Kagno Kai. He had ashen skin, which enhanced his weak Physique. Well, talking about Physique, I wasn't muscular and was closer to the skinny side. Still, seeing someone more petite and skinny than me was... I don't know what to say. Maybe I was worried a little about him. I had met him during the admission process. I initially thought he was a diligent student, so we talked and had good chemistry.

"Oh hey, Kai. What's up?"

"Nothing. I just saw you and thought I'd say hi," he replied.

"I see," I said, unsure how to continue.

"...Where were you during the lunch break? I didn't see you in the classroom," he asked after a pause.

"I went outside to get some fresh air," 

"I see. Did you eat your lunch?"

"Yeah, I did."

We found two empty seats and sat down. As we made small talk, another voice called out to me.

"Hey, Tanaka. How are you?"

This time, it was Amuru Koga, a boy who was physically the opposite of Kai. Koga was on the heavier side but had a friendly demeanor and a baby face that didn't match his Physique.

"Hey, Koga," I greeted him.

"Where have you been all day?" he asked casually.

"Just wandering around. Did you need me for something?"

"No, just curious," he replied.

We chatted briefly, and I learned that Kai and Koga already knew each other. It was a relief to see some friendly faces amidst the overwhelming environment. As I recall, Koga had a reputation during the online semester for his great taste in music. I had asked him for recommendations once, which sparked a casual acquaintance.

Despite these interactions, I felt a lingering sense of detachment. I attended the remaining lectures in silence. The day ended.

Everyone was leaving for the home. I waited for everyone to go, and I finally got ready to leave when everyone left. I was walking without thinking when I suddenly noticed two girls from my class walking just before me. One was Harao, and the other was Cho Hina, another very active girl during online meetings. Maybe being the only girls in the group made them become close friends.

I was walking behind them. I was feeling uneasy during that. 

Maybe I should walk fast and get past them without noticing.

But before I could do that, Hina looked before, and our eyes met. She stopped, thought of something, and started walking towards me. 

She probably thinks that I'm some stalker.

Harao also noticed me and started walking towards me. 

"Hey, since both of you are alone, why don't you talk to each other," HIna said.

Both alone?

I looked behind me. There was this boy from my class. From what I remember, his name was Fuo MInamoto. He was also someone famous during the online meetings. Most of the time, he talked in English. So many people were admiring his fluency and vocabulary. A few of them even asked him to teach how to speak in English like him. 

But that was not all; he had a quirky side to him. Whenever he tried to joke, the room became awkward. His jokes had no boundaries, and sometimes, it felt like he was doing it intentionally. In short, This guy was weird, and if she lumped me with him, she thought I was also odd.

I looked at him, and he was doing the same. 

"That's all. Try getting along." She said and left.

"Do you know these guys?"

"He was the one who sang..."

They left, and now we were left alone. He always talked to others in English, and Hina also spoke to us in English, so I wasn't sure if he knew any other language. That's why I also started to talk in English, which I never did before.

"So, how was your first day?"

"It was good."

'It was good.' Now what?

"... By the way, what's your name?"

Wait, He doesn't even know my name? I thought if I remembered his name, maybe, just maybe, he remembered mine too.

"Tanaka, Sho Tanaka."

"Tanaka, I see. My name is Fua Miyamoto."

"I'll remember that."

"Well, I have to go this way, so see you around."

"Yeah, sure."

We parted ways just like that. I don't think I can be friends with someone like him. He was probably looking down on me. The way he was talking to me, I didn't like it. But maybe I am judging him a little too early. 

I don't care anymore.