I'll carry you
I didn’t want to give up. Trust me when I say that I wanted to at least try and live. But maybe living was not something made for me. All I was feeling was regret for not protecting the person I loved the most and guilt for hurting someone. It was true when they told me that the worst thing that happened was when I was brought into this world. In my life, I couldn’t achieve anything. I let things happen to me and cried in silence by myself without trying to fight against it or stand up to my worries and problems. I was too afraid. The world seemed too cruel. There was never a place for me where I could fit in. No matter what I did, it was wrong and hurt the people around me. All I wanted was to love and be loved by the people I cared about the most. Does a child automatically deserve the love of its parents when they are born just because they are blood-related? Or does a person have to earn their right to be loved by someone else? How does love work? I had stopped pretending. I started feeling emotions again. The ones that I was afraid of. I felt cold and lonely. So lonely in a world where there was an endless efflux of people.
The woman’s voice was escaping the speakers. She was warning the passengers of disturbances to the journey due to heavy rain and wind. I was curled up on the seat and stared outside the window. No one wanted to sit next to the girl who had blood stains on her dress. I always told myself that I was fine, but the truth was that I had never been fine. And I was not fine right now. I didn’t have any other options left. There was no solution in sight. I felt blinded. Everything was just too painful. I wanted time to stop. Even if it was just for a very brief second. I wanted to breath. I wanted to feel my lungs expand and the air going in. The train made it to the main station, and I switched trains. I hid behind others, so the police wouldn’t stop me and question me about my clothes. The train left the station. I stood in the corner and had my head low. The journey felt long yet short at the same time. The raindrops were big and were crashing down on us. The wind was strong. I held down my dress while I walked along the street. It was hard to see into the distance. Everything and everyone had been engulfed by the storm. People were running and cars were beeping. Chaos had commenced.
The path was slippery. My shoes didn’t have any grip, so I took them off and left them behind. The rocks underneath my feet were sharp and it hurt to walk on them. The closer I got to my destination, the harder it was to move forward. I slipped and cut my knee open. My body refused to move forward, but I forced it to. My goal was only a couple of steps away. I managed to reach the top. It sounded like the wind was howling and crying. The rain had become heavier too. It was difficult to even stand straight. The violent waves were crashing against the rocks. The thick, grey clouds were hanging over me. I was freezing. My entire body felt numb. I had never felt so helpless in my entire life. But this feeling and all the other ones would finally go away. The pain would finally go away. My toes were gripping on the edge of the rock I was standing on. One wrong move and I would fall. But that was the plan. Would anyone be able to find me, or would I be washed away with the currents? Would the storm swallow up my body? Would my existence vanish from this world? Would anyone remember me? Did it matter? There would no evidence be left that I even existed. I wished that the people who had met me, forget about me as the time would go on. Without me, their lives would get more bearable. It would be peaceful. No one in this world needed Moriuchi Ayumi. It was my fault for being born. My body felt light. There was no resistance. I was flying. And in the next moment, I would be dreaming, forever. My eyes were closed, and I was ready. The rain was drowning out every noise and sound, and I felt like I was the only person in this world.
“Ayumi!” a voice called out my name. My ears recognised it immediately. I opened my eyes and turned around. My heart in my chest suddenly felt very heavy. My tears were flowing up and were getting mixed with the raindrops around me. His hands were reaching out to me. I hesitated and refused to look him in the eyes.
“What do you think you are doing, idiot?” I yelled at him. He grabbed me and hugged me.
“I’m here to tell you that I’m glad that you were born. I’m glad that I met you. I’m glad that you are part of my life. And most of all, I’m glad that I fell in love with you,” he said into my ear. My bubble burst. I held on to him and started crying. It was as if I had waited for someone to come along and say these exact words to me all my life. I just hadn’t realised it. That was all I ever wanted and needed. The rain and wind stopped. The clouds started to move and let the sun shine down on us. Time had stopped. It was the brief moment I had been waiting for, for so long. I took a deep breath and filled my lungs with the fresh air. It felt really nice. His warmth felt really nice. His words felt really nice. But unfortunately, we had already jumped off of the cliff. Time moved forward and the rain, wind and clouds came back. And we both were quickly and suddenly surrounded by complete darkness.