Chapter 4:

If I know that this conclusion is bad, does that make it ok? 👉👈

The Plight Before Christmas


“Laika,” Waifu-chan said, popping out of the wolf-girl’s pocket, as is becoming tradition at the start of one of these chapters, “what’s going on?”Bookmark here

“Oh, it’s nothing,” Laika nervously laughed, putting her hands behind her back to hide her surprise gift to Waifu-chan, casting the whole world in darkness again, “don’t worry about it!”Bookmark here

Laika still couldn’t believe it. It almost seemed too good to be true! Too easy to be true! Too much like a writer trying to take shortcuts to be true! Just like that, Laika had the Moon literally in the palm of her hand! The object of her desires! The big cheese ball in the sky! The one-and-only lunar MacGuffin! It was like taking candy from a baby, if the baby was completely inanimate and you could take the candy by miming that you’re wrapping your hand around it! (So, in other words, “not like taking candy from a baby”.) Now all that Laika had to do was get home, wrap the Moon in cheap and definitely Christmas-themed “happy birthday” wrapping paper and sneak it under the tree to present to Waifu-chan on Christmas morning.Bookmark here

“Ok, Waifu-chan,” Laika smiled, “let’s go!”Bookmark here

It was then that Laika realized, as she tripped and fell on her face, that she couldn’t see where the Hell she was going. After some rummaging around in her skirt (don’t worry, it was just the pockets), Laika found her smartphone. The lupine girl smiled as the phone’s screen lit up her face. It was still quite early. So early, in-fact, that I’m not gonna try to figure out how long passed since the last time Laika checked, because I am bad at math and time is relative, anyways. It was then that Laika noticed the battery. 4%! All those Japanese horror B-movies were right! Four was the number of death! And with that… Laika’s phone shut itself off, leaving the wolf-girl, Waifu-chan and the Moon in total darkness.Bookmark here

“Why?!” Laika groaned. “Why show how much battery-life is remaining in terms of the battery itself, if the phone shuts-off when it falls below five-percent?! Why can’t the manufacturers just show the battery-life in terms of 95% of the battery?! If the battery is at one-hundred-percent, but the phone can’t use five-percent of that, then one-hundred-percent is equal to ninety-five-percent! And if ninety-five-percent is the real full amount, then five-percent should display as one-percent! Because once it falls below five, it turns-off!”Bookmark here

“That’s… not how it works,” Waifu-chan’s muffled voice said, “five isn’t one-percent of ninety-five.”Bookmark here

“You know what I mean…” Laika pouted, “The battery-life measurements should be based on how long the phone has left, not how much unusable juice is in the battery itself!”Bookmark here

“What are you talking about?” Waifu-chan asked, likely echoing one or two of my readers who likely understand math more than I do.Bookmark here

“It doesn’t matter,” Laika sighed, “all that matters now is getting home in this darkness before the clock strikes midnight.”Bookmark here

When the clock strikes midnight, huh?” Waifu-chan asked. “Y’know, someone should use that as a prompt for a novel writing contest…”Bookmark here

“Oh, har-de-har…” Laika fake-laughed. “Well, I suppose I should get used-to this life of darkness where nobody can see my beauty…”Bookmark here

“I think the reason nobody can see it is because this novel doesn’t have illustrations…” Waifu-chan rolled her eyes.Bookmark here

Hey! It’s not my fault I’m garbage at art! Why not try drawing yourself then, story?! …That’s what I thought. Anyways, where were we…?Bookmark here

New life, huh?” Waifu-chan smirked, “Someone could use that as a prompt for a…”Bookmark here

“The joke’s not funny the second time…” Laika complained, absolutely tearing into my writing and hurting my feelings like a meanie poopoohead! >:(Bookmark here

Laika and Waifu-chan wandered around aimlessly for what felt like three nanoseconds (because it WAS three nanoseconds), before they noticed a faint blue light darting across the sky. Was it a total, talking, Stand-using, heat-seeking enemy lunar ghost missile prankster? Or a comet? Or maybe even an unfunny recurring gag that I should’ve put to rest two chapters ago? No, it was…Bookmark here

“Santa Claus?!” Laika gasped, as the bright blue nose of Saint Nick’s lead reindeer illuminated the entire country like a nuclear warhead that some teens on TikTok dropped for useless internet points.Bookmark here

“Wait, why isn’t that deer’s nose red?” Waifu-chan asked.Bookmark here

“Hohoho! He’s just very sick,” Santa laughed, “sick of getting sued by The Rudolph Company over something that most people assume is public-domain!”Bookmark here

“Why are you here, Santa?” Laika asked, “It’s still too early!”Bookmark here

“Hohoho! Nonsense,” the holiday icon chuckled, “haven’t you ever heard of timezones?”Bookmark here

Laika and Waifu-chan exchanged a glance. This farce was going on way too long now. (Don’t worry, readers, it’s nearly over!)Bookmark here

“Anyway, I’m here because you’re on my naughty list, Laika,” Santa scolded.Bookmark here

“OwO… Has Waika Moonwight been a naughty-waughty girl, Daddy Cwistmas?” the wolf-girl cooed before cringing at just how forced that innuendo was.Bookmark here

“Hohoho…” Santa facepalmed. “You stole the ENTIRE FREAKING MOON!” the saint shouted.Bookmark here

“You did what?” Waifu-chan asked, staring up at Laika in disbelief. (Don’t worry, she was back in Laika’s pocket. No non-objectified pantyshots in this novel, thank you very much!)Bookmark here

“It was meant to be a surprise,” Laika growled, “before this guy ruined it! Y’know what, Saint Nick? I think THAT was pretty naughty of you!”Bookmark here

“Well, I make the list, not you,” Santa said with a handwave. “I’ll just be taking that Moon back now and you can have this coal in exchange.”Bookmark here

“But I don’t want to heat my home in the winter!” Laika moaned. “I’m already wearing a skirt and a tank top. I think I’ll be fine!”Bookmark here

Santa rolled his eyes. “Ok, bespectacled Luna Wolfe, are you going to trade for this environmentally-irresponsible lump of fossil-fuel, or am I gonna have to steal the Moon back by force?”Bookmark here

“But, Santa,” Laika tutted, “I thought stealing the Moon was wrong?” She leered as Santa’s expression shifted to a look of confusion, anger and defeat. There was no reasoning with this girl.Bookmark here

“Ok, you win,” Santa said in a tone that made it very clear that I was too busy to write a fight scene between him and Laika, “take the Moon back home and wrap it under your tree. See if I care!”Bookmark here

“I will!” Laika grinned, holding out her lunar treasure as Santa Claus and his eight public-domain and one lawyer-friendly parody reindeer flew into the no longer present moonlight…Bookmark here

Waifu-chan pretended to be surprised when she opened her present from Laika the following morning. Except… she wasn’t pretending. She was really surprised.Bookmark here

“Well?” Laika smugly grinned. “Whaddaya think?”Bookmark here

“It’s a firefly,” Waifu-chan bluntly stated, tipping the birthday-themed box upside down.Bookmark here

You wouldn’t believe your eyes, as a solo firefly flew out the front door to reunite with its nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine-thousand-nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine friends. The thought never occurred to Laika or Santa Claus that the Moon had just been covered by a passing cloud the night before when she “grasped” “it”.Bookmark here

“Well, Waifu-chan,” Laika smiled, “it’s the thought that counts. I love you. And nothing will ever replace you.”Bookmark here

“Aw, Laika…” Waifu-chan said, tearing up a little bit.Bookmark here

“OH, HEY! LOOK WHAT MY MOM BOUGHT ME!” Laika squealed with joy, opening a present to unveil a legitimate version of the Kore o hon'yaku dekireba, yoku dekimashita that Waifu-chan was a knock-off of. “THIS IS THE BEST FIGURINE I’VE EVER OWNED!”Bookmark here

Waifu-chan rolled her eyes. Maybe it was for the best that Laika had abandoned her. After all, Waifu-chan was actually the ghost of the man seen in this video! www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQBookmark here

…Or at-least she would’ve been, if this entire novel hadn’t been a dream. As Laika woke up in her perfectly normal and non-objectified underwear, hopped out of her perfectly normal JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure: Golden Wind bed with her totally normal human ears and lack of a tail and went to her perfectly normal bathroom to brush her perfectly normal teeth with her perfectly normal (and definitely not objectified) electric toothbrush, she had only one thought on her mind about the crazy dream she had just had…Bookmark here

“Wow, really? It was all just a dream? How lazy can you be?!”Bookmark here

Bookmarked
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