Chapter 34:

A Very Vorelando Christmas

Bible 2: The Sequel to the Bible


“Ho! Ho! Ho!” Vorelando screamed directly into the camera which panned out to reveal a live studio audience.Bookmark here

“Welcome everybody to the Vorelando Magic Holiday Spectacular, presented to you live from the White Void!!!!!”Bookmark here

[Audience cheering]Bookmark here

“Now I hope everyone is excited for what we have in store for you today, interviews with some of your favourite characters from chapters past, present and future, a veritable who’s who of void dwellers!”Bookmark here

[Audience cheering]Bookmark here

“And somewhere along the way, we might even uncover some dark truths about the establishment.”Bookmark here

The audience grew silent, fearful in the knowledge that the establishment watches all.Bookmark here

Vorelando ignored the silence and sat down in one of the white chairs, indistinguishable from the void around it.Bookmark here

“Our first guest of the evening is a long time friend of the show, it’s Mr All Sizzle, Kobe Steakhouse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”Bookmark here

As Kobe entered the void from stage left wearing a legally distinct purple and gold Versace suit, everyone in the crowd began spontaneously beating the shit out of each other, the stress of being trapped in the void already getting to them.Bookmark here

“Should we do something about that?” Kobe whispered to Vorelando as he sat down across from him.Bookmark here

“No.” Vorelando replied curtly.Bookmark here

“But-“Bookmark here

“So Mr Steakhouse!” Vorelando cut across both his friend and the sound of snapping bones “There’s one question on everyone’s mind when it comes to you… Is your name racist?”Bookmark here

This question was so intriguing that it got the audience to freeze and re seat themselves in an orderly fashion.Bookmark here

“Haha, that’s an oddly intrusive question Vo, but no, it is categorically not racist.”Bookmark here

“I would like you to explain how it isn’t, Steakhouse isn’t exactly a common surname, I’m sure you can see why the residents of Kobe, Japan have been calling for you to crucified and drained of your blood to feed their children for another year.”Bookmark here

“Well actually Vorelando, ‘Steakhouse’ is a bit of a misnomer, it’s actually ‘Steak-House’. Got the steak from my mother and the house from my father.”Bookmark here

“I am almost certain you mentioned your father being called ‘Mr Steakhouse’ at some stage but I am not going to verify that so you’re off the hook.”Bookmark here

“Canon is made in the moment Vorelando, if you get lost in what came before, you close your eyes to the possibility of a greater, less racist future.”Bookmark here

The audience applauded Kobe’s wise words.Bookmark here

“Sure, sure. Next question, how has your life been affected by woke liberal cancel culture?”Bookmark here

“Not at all.”Bookmark here

“That’s great to hear, one time they CANCELLED me for saying [redacted for fear of violating the terms of service]. All I did was tell the truth, I think the left can’t handle facts.”Bookmark here

“Uhhhhh-“Bookmark here

“Next question. I’ve always been curious about what happened to people after I destroyed the concept of marketable reality, could you tell me about that?”Bookmark here

“That was you???”Bookmark here

“Answer the fucking question Kobe, I am God within these ill defined walls.”Bookmark here

Vorelando brushed his shirt to the side causally, revealing a revolver duct taped to his abodomen. Kobe got the message.Bookmark here

“Well, after you left, I continued to watch Two’s matchup. I took a few bathroom breaks, grabbed myself some more fries, they even started offering showers to those that remained in the stands. I sort of lost track of time, hours or days, I can’t be sure. But after a while I noticed the far side of the voratorium crumbling into dust, beyond it I saw nothing but the infinite white void. I thought I had come to terms with my mortality, my infinitesimal existence but in that moment, I was mad unwhole. I gazed as people became nothing and their screams became more. All I could think was ‘why is the void white?’ And then I stopped existing.”Bookmark here

The audience, not knowing quite how to react, slowly broke into a chorus of applause.Bookmark here

“Well, I’d love to unpack your trauma left but we’ve only got so much time here, and you’re really eating into more than your fair share. One last question before you go, can readers expect to see you in the new arc of Vorelando?”Bookmark here

Kobe opened his mouth to respond before promptly melting all over his chair.Bookmark here

“Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Kobe Steakhouse!”Bookmark here

The audience members who were still capable of clapping at this stage did so, the rest of them rattled their bloody limbs against their restraints.Bookmark here

“Our next guest might be a bit of a surprise, not even she knows that she’s going to be here. From the critically acclaimed Sequence of Kai series, it’s Kai [ ]!”Bookmark here

As Vorelando said this, I girl with asymmetric white hair and a scowl materialized on top of Kobe’s melted remains. Bookmark here

“Kai, I’m so glad to have on the show.”Bookmark here

“I told you to stop doing this shit, are you lame, deaf or both?”Bookmark here

“I just have a degradation fetish, and pale girls are my type. And might I say, your choice of outfit is exquisite, is it Christmas in your time line too?”Bookmark here

Kai looked down at her body. The Black and grey clothes she would’ve been expecting before Vorelando’s bizarre remark had been replaced by a rather suggestive Santa outfit. Instinctively, she ripped the hat she knew had materialized off her head.Bookmark here

“Enough with your fetish shit, just get whatever it is you need with me done before I rip your neck open.”Bookmark here

“You know you love it.”Bookmark here

Kai took a swipe at Vorelando’s neck but he jerked his body back just far enough to avoid it.Bookmark here

“Meowwww! Anyway, there’s a lot of questions that people would like answers to, whether it be your relationship with that Trish girl, inquiries about your general identity or perhaps, people would be interested to know what your appearance here today means for the greater canon of all worlds, real and unreal?”Bookmark here

“Those all sound like a lot to unpack in one go.”Bookmark here

“Exactly, which is why instead, I want to ask you if you’ve read Attack on Titan?”Bookmark here

“Why would you want to know that?”Bookmark here

“Well it’s what we’re doing right now so it doesn’t exist within the context of my world. It’s sort of how like George A. Romero doesn’t exist in the world of The Walking Dead because otherwise things would seem a little absurd. So I’m interested to hear your take on it, because while I hadn’t read it in my initial run, I had heard of the controversy.”Bookmark here

“Sure, I’ve read it.”Bookmark here

“And what did you think?”Bookmark here

“Well.”Bookmark here

Bookmarked
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