Chapter 9:

Ire in the Kitchen

Daigaku Kyuuai no Kuronikuru – College Courtship Chronicle

Chapter 9 – Ire in the Kitchen

8:00 AM – One hour before classes are scheduled to begin. Some of the lazier students would choose to use this time to catch up on their sleep, whereas the more diligent and productive students instead used this hour to catch up on their studies and prepare a breakfast. You can probably guess which of these categories two particular students fell under…? Maximilian Lovegood. American. 19 years old. Student at Saint Rosencrantz’s College for the Intellectually Gifted. He has an IQ of 253 and was currently sitting upright in his king-sized bed, a pair of reading glasses on his face and a book in his hand. Sleeping beside him (in the spot that she had sneakily commandeered for herself) was his dormmate, Kuru Kuroni. Japanese. 18 years old. Exchange-student at Saint Rosencrantz’s College for the Intellectually Gifted. She has an IQ of 75, making her the least intelligent student at Saint Rosencrantz’s by far. But y’all already know this crap, so let me instead force-feed you some brand new information, like some kind of fucked-up Willy Wonka.

Saint Rosencrantz’s houses 1,000 dorm rooms. And each of those rooms houses two students, one male and one female, for a total of 2,000 students on campus. Each individual dorm room is split up into three smaller rooms, or “sub-rooms” if you prefer. There’s the main room, which contains most of the essentials of modern-day living – A bed, a television set, that sort of thing. Branched off from that are two smaller rooms – The bathroom (which should be pretty self-explanatory) and the kitchen, the latter of which is the focus of this chapter.

Maxie sighed, putting his book down and pulling himself out of the bed. Getting dressed, he looked over to his still-sleeping roommate.

“What a slugabed,” Maxie scoffed. (Yeah, can you believe that some people have the audacity to –Gasp!– actually enjoy sleeping?! What a loser, amirite?) “Well, if she doesn’t want breakfast, that’s her loss, I guess.”

As Maxie headed for the kitchen, he heard the distinct rustling of bedsheets behind him. Turning around, he saw a now awakened Kuru sitting upright in bed, wearing floral print and a wide-eyed expression.

“Did someone say ‘breakfast’, lol?”

“Uh… yeah. I was gonna make some pancakes.”

“Pancakes?!” Kuru said, her mouth hanging agape, in a fashion not unalike my sister’s anus after a hot night with her boyfriend. “Step aside, mon frère, Kuroni Kuru will handle this!”


8:15 AM – Maximilian, now fully-dressed, sat by the kitchen table, reading a newspaper and sipping a coffee. (C’mon, man, how pretentious can you be?! Who still reads newspapers in 2022? We have smartphones to tell us the news now, SMH.) In contrast, Kuru was positioned beside the stove, frying pan in hand and adorned in nothing but an apron and her underwear. The entire scene looked like an ironic pastiche to “World War 2”-era pinup posters.

“Hey, Kuru. What’s the hold-up? I’m starving!”

‘The hold-up’, my dear Maxie, is that Kuru doesn’t know the first thing about baking pancakes. Not that she’d admit it, of course. Her father sent her to Saint Rosencrantz’s to help her learn new things and hone new skills. The way she saw it, Maxie was the perfect guinea pig to test her baking skills on. The only problem was that she didn’t know where to start.

I can’t tell Maximilian-sama that I don’t know how to turn on the cooktop. He’ll think that I’m an idiot, Kuru panicked. I mean, I am an idiot, lol, but I don’t want him to know that!

She stared down at the stove, which had two knobs akin to some kind of mutated crotch – There was a 1-in-2 chance that Kuru would twist the right knob. How hard could that be…? Trembling, she reached a hand down and twisted one of those metallic death circles and--


A small blue flame formed underneath the stovetop. The idiot girl had done it! …But that was only step 1 to baking pancakes! She was out of the frying pan and into the fire… Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that she was out of the fire and onto the frying pan? But there was still one thing standing in Kuru’s way…

“Lol, Maximilian-sama? Where are the pancakes?”

“Well, first you have to nab the batter,” Maxie explained.

“Knob of butter?” Kuru asked, reaching into her apron and withdrawing some butter. (This girl had touched more knobs today than I have touched in my entire life.)

“Yes, that’s good, but you still need the batter,” Maxie said, not even questioning why the girl had a stick of butter in her apron pocket. “Put the butter in the pan, I’ll go get the eggs and milk…”

Maxie got up from his seat and retrieved all of the ingredients needed to make a pancake mix. Walking over to Kuru, he grabbed a bowl and placed the ingredients inside.

“Here you go, Kuroni. Go nuts.”

Kuru stared at the bowl as purple “ゴ” characters formed around it to symbolize how menacing it was. One wrong move and she’d end up exposing her idiocy. (Or, y’know, Maxie might just think that you’re shit at baking? Did that thought ever occur to you, Kuru?)

Calm down, Kuroni Kuru. You’ve got this, lol. Just put the ingredients on the stovetop and make some pancakes. How hard could it be, lol?

Taking a deep breath, Kuru slowly reached for an egg and cracked it against the side of the bowl. Could it be? Was she actually going to make pancake batter?! I watched (supposing that disembodied voices are capable of doing that) as Kuru picked up the plastic bowl and slowly, slowly… put it on the stove. -Facepalm!- Within an instant, the bowl began to melt and all of its contents were set ablaze!

“What are you doing, Kuroni?!”

“M-making pancakes,” the girl stammered.

“That’s what the frying pan is for! Why would you place a plastic container atop superheated metal?!”

“L-lol, I dunno!”


9:00 AM – Suffice it to say that Maxie went to class starving. And meanwhile, Kuru spent first period in detention for triggering the smoke alarms all over campus. Luckily for her, Maxie didn’t realize that her intelligence was a façade, but I think it’s pretty obvious that he never let her prepare food again…

(To be continued…)

Kuromaru (クロまる)