Chapter 1:

Sorry, Annie. I know nothing about that guy.

A Most Illustrious Puppet Play About Shakespeare!


ANNIE: Welcome, everyone, to A Most Illustrious Puppet Play About Shakespeare! I'll be your humble librarian and host, Annie! First off, does anyone know anything about William Shakespeare? Yes, what's your name?
BRUCE: Bruce.
ANNIE: Hi Bruce, can you tell us an itty bitty fact about him?Bookmark here

BRUCE: William Shakespeare (bapt. 26 April 1564 – 23 April 1616)[a] was an English poet, playwright, and actor, widely regarded as the greatest writer in the English language and the world's greatest dramatist.[2][3][4] He is often called England's national poet and the "Bard of Avon" (or simply "the Bard").[5][b] His extant works, including collaborations, consist of some 39 plays,[c] 154 sonnets, two long narrative poems, and a few other verses, some of uncertain authorship. His plays have been translated into every major living language and are performed more often than those of any other playwright.[7]Bookmark here

ANNIE: Y-you even memorized the footnotes! Hahahehe... Well anyway, let's start the puppet show!
<Everyone cheers except for Bruce, who harumphs and pushes his glasses up.>
ANNIE: Woosh! It's Mr. Shakespeare, time-traveled from the past to teach you all about his work and the Middle Ages. Everyone say hi to Mr. Shakespeare!Bookmark here

<The children (except for Bruce) all wave and greet Mr. Shakespeare.>
CHILDREN: Hi Mr. Shakespeare!
SHAKESPEARE: Now back in the Middle Ages, we used to eat dragon snouts and drink bug juice!
CHILDREN: Eww!
<Bruce raises his hand.>
BRUCE: Excuse me, that's not-
ANNIE: Please don't interrupt.Bookmark here

...Bookmark here

SHAKESPEARE: In Romeo and Juliet, two star-crossed lovers go against their families' wishes and seek out each other's love. But they're separated by a wall and they don't have the good sense to go around it. They drink magical potions and almost die but they manage to find each other and get married and have lots of cute little babies. The End!Bookmark here

<Everyone except Bruce sighs in wonder while Bruce angrily protests.>
BRUCE: Did you even read the play?
<Annie thumps her chest proudly>
ANNIE: I read the Sparknotes five years ago! Now, Bruce, you're going to have to go to the playpen in the corner because you've been very disruptive.
BRUCE: But-
ANNIE: Upsie-daisy and away you go!Bookmark here

...Bookmark here

SHAKESPEARE: In Hamlet, a boy talks to a skull and is like "To be or not to be, that is the question!" and I think he was feeling sad because in reality, life is beautiful, bountiful and fresh! But everyone eventually gets over these sad thoughts and learns to love, which is why even though they try to kill each other, they drink magical revival potions. Then they all get married and have lots of cute little babies. The End!Bookmark here

<The children cheer. Bruce is too far away in the corner for anyone to hear his complaints.>Bookmark here

---Bookmark here

ANNIE: Gasp! Someone's stealing Mr. Shakespeare's play! Who will stop him? Um, guilt will stop him!
THIEF: Gosh I feel mega bad about stealing a play Mr. Shakespeare worked really hard on. I think I'll return it.
<The children nod in rapt admiration. Bruce throws a crayon at the stage but is too unathletic to hit it.>
...Bookmark here

SHAKESPEARE: Gasp! The rival playmaker that hired the thief! I'll shake-spear you to death! Rawr!
>And so William charged at the playmaker and hurt him a lot.>
RIVAL:You win, Sir Shakespeare! I will never steal another play again in my life! I'll only make mediocre plays that no one will remember, from now on.Bookmark here

<Annie pops out from the behind the puppet theater.>
ANNIE: Everyone cheer for Mr. Shakespeare!
CHILD 1: Yay!
CHILD 2: Yay!
CHILD 3: Hurray!
BRUCE: Boo! Bookmark here

<Bruce climbs over the playpen and walks up near the stage. Annie stares angrily at Bruce.>
ANNIE: You be quiet and go back to your playpen!
BRUCE: You shut up, you starvelling, you eel-skin, you dried neat's-tongue!Bookmark here

<Annie looks she is about to cry. All the kids in the audience go over and give Annie a hug.>
ANNIE: I-I'm not a seal-tongued s-somethinger! Bruce is a big meany pants! I'm telling your mommy!
<And when the parents came to pick their children up, Bruce was sentenced to a time out and no snack time.>Bookmark here

The End
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