Chapter 1:

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To whoever is reading this, this is my personal story. And probably also the reason why I chose what I chose to do. Recalling all these memories bring tears down my eyes and I don't know what to do anymore.Bookmark here

I should probably start from the beginning.Bookmark here

I am writing this in Notepad, my Word license expired when school ended, so I can't write there. People showed me Google docs before, but I don't like it. So, to whoever is reading this, please bear with it. I will try my best.Bookmark here

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It all began around a year ago when I first officially entered high school in a faraway town. It was around 2 hours commute from my house and I am always tired whenever I arrived at school. In the morning, my mom would drive me to the bus station in my hometown, around ten minutes away from my home, and I took a bus for around an hour to took the train to the town of my school. It was very tiring, but I have learned to put up with it. Bookmark here

The beginning of school was very awkward for me. (expect lots of awkwardness, I am an awkward person.) I always think of myself as a shy person, but some people think otherwise, for example, my moms. (I have two moms, they're lesbian. I grew up with both of them. No, I am not adopted.)Bookmark here

My high school was kind of special because we have different courses. I am in a course called International Baccalaureate. (Even now, it's hard to write the whole name. So, I am going to use its more popular acronym: IB) Basically speaking, IB is a course mainly in English. We were obliged to learn high-level English from the start. On top of that, we were expected to write this 4000-word essay at the end of two years. (I learned later in life that four-thousand words is nothing.) And we had to choose six subjects from different groups: Languages, Social Sciences, Natural Sciences, and of course, Mathematics (There are different levels. E,g, Studies SL, Standard Level, High Level). In each grouping, you have different subjects. Bookmark here

In the end, I chose: History (High Level), Economics (Standard Level), Mathematics (Standard Level), Biology (High Level), English Literature (High Level), Dutch Literature (Standard Level).Bookmark here

On top of those subjects, we had two more proprietary subjects: TOK (Theory Of Knowledge, or Epistemology) and CAS (Creativity Activity Service, or a mere creative kind of PE)Bookmark here

Anyway, why am I explaining to you my course? I won't delete it, though, it might be useful for later.Bookmark here

So, on my first day, I didn't really notice Her. She also probably didn't notice me. I was more focusing on getting each of my new classmates' names in my head. It was hard. But it has always been hard for me to memorize peoples' names. I won't mention Her name, but I'll call Her a nickname I gave Her.Bookmark here

I made some new friends, and, funnily enough, they were all women. I am still friends with them, so if you are reading this: I am sorry, but you are in my story. My friends were all beautiful girls but I never really looked with lewd eyes at them. I am used to having women as friends, and I feel that women are more fun to have around than guys. I won't explain why, but I'll leave that to your imagination. Or if you are my friend, you can explain it to the world. (One reason is that I was raised with only women by my side.)Bookmark here

There was one friend I made that is a guy, though. (I'll call him Jack.) He's very friendly and he came from a distant latin-American country that always sparked my curiosity. He spoke in this sexy-Latin-American accent, which I knew girls would fall for. Not to mention, he is very beefed up and very passionate about calisthenics. (He would explain to me what that was later.)Bookmark here

So, Jack made friends with Her, and they seemed pretty well together, sometimes laughing and I don't know what else. They looked like good friends and I was sparked by Jack's enthusiasm talking to her that I approached them once.Bookmark here

I think I have told you that we really didn't talk but I knew Her name. Let's call Her: CuddleBunny for now. I'll explain later why. Or you'll find out why.Bookmark here

Our talk was idle and I felt awkward talking to her, but she always spurred the conversation on and on. If we ran out of topics to talk about, she'd always start a new topic about herself or something else. I liked that because I generally like hearing about people's experiences and learning about people. She wasn't an exception. I learned earlier in the introduction that she was from eastern-Europe, and I told her I am originally from an Asian country, but I moved to the Netherlands when I was eight until we moved, around seven years later. I told her that I could speak five languages. She didn't believe me. So I showed her by talking to different people in my class in their language or use she'd use google translate to check. It was very fun, and Jack was there laughing and contributing to the conversation too.Bookmark here

A few weeks later, we were obliged to partake in a school event at my teacher's farm. I was assigned to cook (I like cooking.) for around a hundred people. CuddleBunny was there too, she was also assigned to be in the kitchen.Bookmark here

But the thing was: the event itself didn't really make us closer, it was our travel to the farm. We had biked to the farm, as was encouraged, and she was really struggling. It was around a two-hour bike from school and because of the mountainous landscape and hills, it was a pain. I didn't really struggle, because I lived in the Netherlands. (Let me just say that there are more bikes than people in that country.) Bookmark here

While biking, I saw her all the way at the back. Of course, I noticed her struggle. I don't really know what hit me to bike with her, because Jack invited me to bike with him. I simply turned Jack down who was biking really fast like he was driving a motor-bike. I slowed my pace down and biked next to her. Our conversation at first went like this: I am A, and she's B. (Remember this, I'll use this later.)Bookmark here

A: "Hey, are you okay?"
B: "Yeah."
A: "You are panting really hard, damn. You can't bike, it seems."
B: "Lol (yes, she says that. I found it really adorable), I can. I have biked with my little brother a lot! And I'd bike to my dad's place sometimes."Bookmark here

So, after that, we biked together. We talked more, but I forgot. Sorry. Anyway, we biked and biked. And there was a time we walked uphill because she was tired. We talked lots and I learned a lot about her. I believe she also learned more about me. I think I told her about my household, my two moms, and my older brother. She told me hers: Her mom, step-dad, and little brother. She also had a dad where she would visit every other week. I think that's the time where I thought I was in love, but I don't know exactly. It was an unknown feeling at the time. But I felt like I wanted to know more.Bookmark here

The event at my teacher's place went smoothly, and everyone enjoyed it. Going home, she was picked up by her dad and I biked back, although she offered me to ride with her in her dad's car. I denied it because I was shy.Bookmark here

Anyway, a few weeks later. Another friend of mine, (I'll call her Sharon.) invited pretty much the entire class to a party/sleepover at her place. Surprisingly she told me where the place was and it was near my place! Just around forty minutes away, in comparison to the excruciating two-hour commute.Bookmark here

Most of my class and all my new friends came, including CuddleBunny, Jack, and a few more: Mary, Nicky, Chiriru. (all are fake names, for privacy. If one of you is reading this, I bet you'll laugh. Lol.)
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I didn't really remember much from that party, we were playing games, talking, watching movies, etc. Because the only thing I remember is that we cuddled that night. Although, it wasn't really a good couple's cuddle or something. It was more like I needed a pillow.Bookmark here

I have this thing where I can't sleep if I don't have something to hug with, and it's a proven fact! I don't know what hit me that night to ask her. I was surprised to even ask. In my head I was like: Dude wtf did I just say? But she just answered: "Okay." And I placed my hand under her head and that's how I managed to sleep. She managed to sleep as well. I knew because I woke up before her. Her smooth face that I just wanted to touch was a territory that was both beautiful and forbidden. I didn't touch it. I was merely looking at her sleeping face. Bookmark here

I never thought of violating her, ever. Bookmark here

That's when I officially fell in love with her. Her interesting stories. Her restricted but yet open body. All of it. I wanted it all.Bookmark here

We managed to get each other's Facebook afterward. Although the class had this classchat in messenger, we never really talked personally to each other. It was rather awkward, I guess. But as soon as everyone found their own respective groups, we started to message each other privately and made those private chats with only your friend groups.Bookmark here

I was invited in one of those group chats and in it were: Mary, Nicky, Chiriru and me. We grew close together, we'd often hang out and I felt like these were the people I would want as long-term friends. They would hear me out and we'd do all those silly stuff friends do. At the time, I had money and I would buy food for the whole gang, sometimes. It didn't really mind me to spend money that way. Moms always used to tell me that it's better to spend money on people dear to you than spending it on yourself.Bookmark here

I learned that Mary could speak Japanese fluently afterward and she learned that I like Anime as much as she did. I didn't know how to speak Japanese back then, but she'd encourage me to learn some words here and there. It surprised me that an innocent-looking girl with very non-Asian features knew how to speak Japanese like a real Japanese girl. She had become one of my dear friends, and I will continue to cherish that. Bookmark here

On the other hand, Nicky was very different than all of us. She had this authoritative aura around her and she always was on time with everything. She is really dedicated, I thought. But I understood later why. IB was demanding. Despite all that, she was always there for me whenever I needed advice and we'd often talk to each other about private things. I trusted her, and she trusted me. I want to keep that.Bookmark here

Chiriru was also different. A unique kind of different. She was random and had this aloof kind of feeling around her. She gave us a kind of a goofy vibe and she was that kind of person who was ready to give you a fun time whenever you want. I would often ask her for favors and she'd do it without thinking any further. I love her as a friend, and I am so happy that we met. Bookmark here

Anyway, my relationship with CuddleBunny continued online as much as it continued IRL. We would talk and I asked for her Skype account which she gave me happily. At this time, she learned that I wrote poems. I showed my friends the poems I made and they often tell me to see a psychiatrist about it. Nevertheless, we enjoyed it online. But nothing significant happened. Our conversations went like this online:Bookmark here

B: "Heyyy! What are you doing today?"
A: "Nothing much. I need to finish that Essay for Bio."
B: "Same! But I need to do my Physics Essay instead of Bio.

It was subtle and wholesome. I like that too, but now that I think about it, it's not really worth noting. She'd probably say otherwise, but hey! This is my story, CuddleBunny. Stay out of it! I put what I want to put.Bookmark here

Okay, going back. Sorry. Bookmark here

So, I decided to host a similar party as Sharon's with my friends: CuddleBunny, Mary, Nicky, Chiriru, Sharon, And of course, Jack. A few more people, I think, but they're not significant in this story.Bookmark here

The party was a memorable one, for the people around remembered it as the party when the cook of the class didn't cook the chicken good enough. Hey! I didn't know the temperature of the grill! They all looked pretty cooked, but when we ate them, there were still signs of uncooked meat. I ate one uncooked, and I feared for salmonella afterward.Bookmark here

That wasn't really the only memorable thing that happened that night. That night, we went to the forest outside my house as part of a test of courage kind of thing. Not everyone wanted to join in, but Sharon, Chiriru, and Cuddlebunny came. Jack came as well, reluctantly at first, to my surprise.Bookmark here

She was really afraid, we walked through the forest I knew really well. My moms and I went picking some mushrooms that autumn, so I pretty much remembered each nook and cranny of that big forest. I decided not to go really far, but people started to get scared when we heard a few footsteps of some grazers from the depths of the forest. To my delight, that was the first time we held hands. It surprised me. She just took my hand and held it as they do it in the movie or how I see my moms would hold hands. Interlocking fingers and holding it tight as if it's glued. It made my heart go faster, or even skipped a beat. I didn't know what to do, so I acted as if it wasn't there. I just held her hand, and she held mine. I noticed the cold in her hand, meaning that mine is warmer. That's when I felt a little self-conscious, for I thought I was sweating, but I later learned she's just cold in general.Bookmark here

I fell deeper in love. A feeling lingering inside me making me want to warm her more; wanting to touch her hand more and hold her close. Bookmark here

I felt she was shivering with fear, so I calmed her down and directed everyone to go back. Jack was disappointed and so was Sharon. Chiriru didn't really care, she was never afraid. She held my hand tightly until the warmth of my house encapsulated her with ease. Bookmark here

People noticed what we were doing and gazed at me with winks or those faces that read: "Good job, lady boy!"Bookmark here

I was shy, but she was looking confident. I don't know what was in her mind. But the next thing I knew was that Sharon was talking to her privately in my room. I could only hunch that they were talking about me and my relationship with her. I wanted to know what she said. I wanted her to tell Sharon she liked me.Bookmark here

That night, we watched a movie, IT , the one written by Stephen King. CuddleBunny and I watched it earlier with her little brother in one of our Skype sessions, so I knew where to hide my face from the jumpscares. Nicky avoided watching the movie altogether, so she was there with her phone fiddling something. I felt bad for Nicky but she didn't mind it, she said.Bookmark here

After the movie, we decided to set up our sleeping mattresses on the living space on the first floor of our house. My house had two living rooms, an upstairs one, and a smaller downstairs one where one of my moms would use as her hobby room. We used the latter room as our hanging out space because it was big enough and it kind of separated us from the grown-ups.Bookmark here

To my surprise, she helped me set my mattress and I knew afterward that she'd place herself next to me. I didn't know what was going on in her mind, but we slept in the same way as we did at Sharon's place. A little more comfortable than last time, but I noticed that she had nightmares. I don't know at the time whether she was asleep or not, but I trespassed the forbidden space of her face and gave her a few kisses on her forehead. At the time, I thought that it might give her a sense of ease. Or perhaps I was waiting for a reason to touch that forbidden territory. But nevertheless, my actions surprised me yet again. I already have her in my arms and we are under the thin sheets of my house. And I secretly violated the wall I have set up myself. The next thing is for me to tell her about my feelings. But I cannot just yet. Bookmark here

That morning, I woke up to the sight of a beautiful girl in my arms. A sight I thought that could only be in movies or inside my dreams. I was happy. And I kept looking at her sleeping face again, and I violated the wall again by moving her hair away from her eyes. I wanted to see the space where I had kissed her. Wow, I thought, I am fucking crazy. An hour went by really fast. Mesmerized by love made waiting an easy task. She woke up and she met my eye with those innocent eyes of hers; eyes of greenish-yellow, I noted. Beautiful, yet again. The morning sun was up and I thought we could probably get some coffee upstairs.
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I told her: "Wanna get some coffee?"
She was probably still sleepy because she waited a while looking at me. The voice that went out from her was the faintest and most adorable voice I have ever heard: "Sure," she said, and I was captivated yet again.Bookmark here

So we drank coffee and that kind of shit. I didn't really remember our conversations that morning because I was merely focusing on her face. I am so cheesy, oh my God. Sorry.Bookmark here

 She went home later that morning taking with her my heart that she didn't know she was carrying. The thought made me tremble a little. Bookmark here

I told Sharon about my feelings to CuddleBunny. I felt like she was the person I could trust my feelings with. I wasn't wrong but she insisted that I should tell CuddleBunny. It still banged my mind what she privately talked about with CuddleBunny in my room. I hoped I had a recorder or a bug in my room that day. I should probably put one, for security. Of course, I'll turn it off when privacy asks.Bookmark here

Anyway, Sharon and I talked endlessly about it. She and I grew closer and we'd often take the same bus home. All she probably could hear from me was things that CuddleBunny told me, but she still put up with it. I am grateful because it must've been really boring. Bookmark here

One night, I told CuddleBunny of my feelings. It was a day when Sharon and I rode the bus together and she had told me that she'll be moving schools. The news devastated me because I would have one less person to talk about my feelings with. She said she'll be moving to a school closer to our place. We'll probably still see each other at the bus stop but not ride the bus together. Anyway, that night, Sharon told me to tell her already because she was sick of me keeping it all in me. She was right, I thought. For me to exactly capture the flag, I should declare it. Just taking the flag won't work.Bookmark here

So, I told her during our midnight skype sessions. It was around 1 AM and it was a Saturday, so it's okay to oversleep a little on Sunday. At first, she was shocked. But I knew deep in my mind that she already knew. Perhaps she didn't but that's just stupid. Lol. I already have done lots, and people around me including my friends asked me if I liked her. I was reluctant to say yes, but I did after a little while.Bookmark here

That night, she took her time to give me her answer. She was texting someone on the phone, which I later learned was an app where she could talk to a Listener. I felt like the whole world was crashing and I didn't know what to say. I silently looked at the screen of my laptop. She was hiding in a corner. And I was holding a pillow to my chest, as if hiding the fast-beating heart it concealed. Bookmark here

She typed a little while later: "I think I like you too."Bookmark here

And that was when I know my crashing earth rebuilt itself. My heart sank and I could feel like I can collapse on the bed and never wake up again. Of course, I didn't want that. I would want to wake up again. Probably seeing her in my arms next to me. Probably holding her tighter than ever. Probably not feeling bad whenever I touched her face to inspect the beautiful curves and features it had.Bookmark here

She told me already that she was asexual. The kind where she likes romantic relationships but didn't like engaging in sexual relationships. I respected that. I didn't really feel the sexual urge as well. I just wanted to take care of her, embrace her, protect her, pamper her, give her anything she would like. I just want to see that smile unfazed.Bookmark here

To my disappointment, a relationship only begins whenever both parties declared they are in a relationship. So we weren't really in a relationship, but I felt like we were. I didn't know how she was feeling because whenever we were at school, she'd often just sit next to me and didn't dare touch me or something. I don't know what she was feeling. She told me she liked me but didn't act like it for a few weeks.Bookmark here

It only showed itself when were yet in another event hosted by school where we would volunteer somewhere but we found ourselves to have not found a place to volunteer. So, we were put a day in a kind of detention where we would do something else. We were talking about the volunteer work and stuff people would do. Basically, the school was making us feel bad that we didn't find a place to volunteer. Bookmark here

During that event, I was surprised at one of the breaks where we were talking that she was saying to someone: "I would." Because that person was saying: "I don't know a person who would date A?" (I am A, remember?) And that made my heart skip a little. The person was taken aback by her bold statement.Bookmark here

When we all came home, I asked for the validity of her statement by a message: "Is that true what you said earlier?" I didn't dare add: Would you date me?
As if reading my mind about the context of what I was saying she said: "Yes. I do. My friends already see you as my boyfriend."Bookmark here

I didn't know what to say afterward. We're officially together now, I guessed. I think I only replied: "Wow. Mine too." I lied and I spent that whole day telling all my friends.
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Sharon was happy for me and supported me. Chiriru couldn't care less. Nicky was surprised and so was Mary who had this shocked mouthed drawn over her cute face.Bookmark here

The next school day, she picked me up from the train station and we walked to school. We were reluctant to hold hands, but she took my hand in hers in the same way she had when she was frightened about that animal in the woods in the forest. This time, I grasped more tightly and she looked at me with a smile that signified that she was proud. I am an awkward person, so she was happy I broke that boundary. Bookmark here

Everyone in the class was surprised, apart from the ones I told. She'd be awfully close to me; holding my arm, laying her head on my shoulders, trying to poke my cheeks, poke me wherever, really, etc. I didn't mind it. Moreover, I was happy. I was reluctant to do the same, but she told me by text that she'd want me to do the same. So, I did. And I slowly grew used to doing the innocent stuff she wanted me to do.Bookmark here

I spent more time with her outside school. We often find ourselves eating kebabs at one of those middle-eastern snack houses. She said she liked kebab, so sometimes I would treat her to some. Or sometimes she would invite me to some, and she'd buy me some too.Bookmark here

I was living the dream.Bookmark here

We did more. I visited her dad's place one time and we found ourselves watching Hannibal at the big television. Her dad wasn't there, so we snuggled up comfortably on the sofa while we were watching the movie. The room was awfully warm, or was it just us? Probably the latter. And thereafter, we kissed. Yes, our first kiss was while watching a psychopath, sociopath, whatever. And it was even in that famous scene where the officer was visiting Hannibal in his cell. Depicting the dominance of Hannibal and also how cinematically genius the scene was shot; showing the dominance of Hannibal by giving him that upper angle. Anyway, her lips. Damn. I can't say lots. All I could say was that it was the softest thing I had ever pressed against my lips. Fuck A5 Wagyu! This is more tender and softer. It felt as if it were melting away my problems and all the memories I had previously. All I was thinking was her and her lips pressed against mine. She moved her head slightly, but because I was sitting lower than her, she led me all the way. All those practices with the pillow did pay off. We didn't use tongue, it was unchartered territories in our relationship, and I didn't dare to step foot into that yet.Bookmark here

After that, her father came back home. I greeted him normally, but in the back of my head, I apologized to him. I am sorry for what I have done to your daughter. Bookmark here

I left after a while. They invited me for dinner, but I didn't dare to say yes. I was shy, and my heart was only going to break in a happy way if I stayed with her any longer. Bookmark here

After that, we softened more towards each other. We'd often cuddle at secret places or kiss. I grew used to her lips, unfortunately. I would want to unlearn the softness of it for every time I pressed mine against hers.  But I could only enjoy the secret little things we do. We'd often walk by the river just outside the school and we will find ourselves cuddling up because it was winter and cold. Bookmark here

We learned how to use the tongue in our kisses. First, it was sluggish and sloppy, but we learned slowly and steadily. She had learned this awesome technique that always made me feel like I was kissing an ethereal goddess of some sort. Wow. I can't even describe. I never learned any special technique, on the other hand. I merely enjoyed what she'd do, and every time it always surprised me.Bookmark here

One time, we even kissed while my mothers were nearby. My moms always liked visiting second-hand stores, and to my fortunate heart, she lived close to one and mom had always visited it. One time, I was waiting for her to come down the hill. The second-hand store was literally two minutes away from her house, her mom's house, she'd just have to trek down a little hill. When I finally met her, her presence gave me a little sense of relief and ease. It was always like that. And we found ourselves under a spotlight and kissed deeply under its soothing light. This time, I learned to grab her waist while kissing and also sometimes fondling her soft and flowing hair. She said she liked that. Bookmark here

We went in and met my mothers. They probably were wondering what took us so long, but I couldn't say what. My mothers knew already that we were in a relationship at that time because Sharon told them. Yes. Sharon told my moms. Bookmark here

It was during a car ride, and Sharon said: "A, you really have to tell your moms."
I looked at her with hostile eyes, shocked with what she just said out loud. One of my moms replied: "What is it?"
I said: "Nothing."
But Sharon pressed on: "A is in a relationship."
My moms were relaxingly shocked (I don't know how to say. They were surprised but it seemed like they didn't care?) and I was shaking my head trying to think of something else. My other mom said: "In a relationship? No way! With who?"
"CuddleBunny," Sharon informed enthusiastically.
"Her! I remember her! She was really cute. That's nice A."
I just shook my head as they lectured me about being in a relationship afterward.Bookmark here

So, my moms knew already. It scared me at first telling my moms, but Sharon made it all more comfortable. Thank you, Sharon. If you are reading this.Bookmark here

Anyway, I planned another party at my house for after new year's to celebrate with my friends and CuddleBunny. I invited the usual gang and they said they'd come. So I spent the whole Christmas vacation thinking what I'd do with all them, especially with CuddleBunny whom I started to call as Sweetiepom then. I changed her nickname because bunnies do that a lot and she doesn't. So from now on, I'll use her newer nickname.Bookmark here

I planned a lot for the party and I made sure to not make it a boring day. But I guess I'll tell you that time in another document. This one is getting a little bit longer, and I kinda feel like it's easier to read if it were split up.
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