Kepler's Law

[For future reference, Friend, never make a concoction of drugs like I did today: 130 mg of Temazepam, 15 mg of Melatonin, 35 mg Benzodiazepine, 50 mg of Zolpidem, and 375 mg of Doxepin.]

I opened my eyes; a white flash appeared before me, and I could feel my heart racing quicker than ever before.  I looked up, and I saw a beautiful face, an angel of grace.  Lady Freud was looking down at my face, and our heads were so close together that I nearly panicked.

And then I realized my predicament.  My head was sitting on Lady Freud's lap.  We were still in Central Park.  I couldn't see Trina anywhere, but if I were to guess, she was having a panic attack at the thought of her lady so close to a man.

 Next to Lady Freud was a man with dark robes, a pointed hood, black leather gloves, and a mask that looked like a dead bird's skull.  I screamed at the sight of him.  I jumped up, almost making Lady Freud stumble down.  I backed away in pure fear of this menacing monster.

"Stay away, vile creature.  You spawn from the underworld.  Devil!  Pure evil man."

"Lord Kepler, calm down.  I'm a doctor."

"I know of no doctor that wears such demon clothes."

"Lord Kepler, I can assure you that I'm a doctor.  But since we're in Central Park, law mandates that I dress appropriately and bring nothing of advanced technology."

"My dear future husband," that voice came from Lady Freud.  Apparently we had already agreed mutually on getting married....  But my thoughts raced away from that to the man before me.  It was almost like he had red, glowing eyes that would consume your soul into his dead bird's face.

"I can assure you that this man is indeed a doctor.  I had Trina get one when you fell down.  She was in such a panicked state that I'm not really sure what became of her."

I pointed at the doctor, my hand and finger shaking, "He took her. He's part of some vile cult that plans to ritually sacrifice her."

 "I can assure, you sir, that I'm not part of any cult.  I'm just here to make sure you're okay.  I can see the effects of the drugs I gave you are working well."

"Yes, apparently someone tried to kill you by giving you an overdose of sleeping medication.  But it's okay now, my dear."

"What did this man give me...  I feel so strange.  I feel like I have enough energy to run ten marathons across the Ring."

"Nothing unusual, sir.  I just inserted 10 mg of the finest cocaine I could get my hands on.  I can see it's having its intended consequences."

"You gave me cocaine!  What kind of rig-shag doctor are you?"

My fear turned into an incredible anger.  I lost sense of reason or rationality.

"There's no need to fear, my sir..."

"Oh, no, you don't.  I will have my payment in the flesh if I must."

"Dear, there's no need for this."  Lady Freud looked slightly concerned, but at the same time she looked curious to see what would happen next.

"Sir, you are behaving oddly.  It could be due to this mixture of drugs.  But try to keep your wits.  There's no need to behave Keplerless."

Lady Freud gasped.  The doctor had gone too far now.  Even the doctor looked like he now realized his mistake.

[Being called Keplerless - fundamentally having multiple meanings.  The first being that you lacked social etiquette. The second, and more obscure use, means you didn't understand the scientific principles of Johannes Kepler.  And if you recall anything My Dear Friend, it is that I am the great great great great great [....] grandson of Johannes Kepler.  So, it was an insult to my family name.  And now, My Friend, we are going to discuss science.  YES, we will actually talk about science in a book about science.  You have been forewarned in full.  Skip the next part if you will.  For we are going to discuss in full Kepler's Law.]

"My dear doctor, you ridicule my family name.  You have stepped out of line."

"Look, sir, there's no need to..."

"Oh, but there is...  I shall now recite to you Kepler's Laws of Planetary Motion.  All three laws will be explained in their entirety.  It will be explained so well and so fluidly that even an enormous idiot like you will understand them."

The first law - The orbit of a planet is an ellipse with the sun at one of two foci.  Let's start with the ellipse.  Simply imagine a giant circle.  Now the foci are two points, one near the left side of that circle and one near the right.  The foci lie on the major axis of the circle, or the middle line that you would draw to cut a circle perfectly in half.  The foci must be equally spaced on each side of the center of the circle.  Each planet orbits the sun on the circular ellipse; the sun represents one of the foci.  It's important to note that on one side of the ellipse the sun is far away, and that on the other it is closer.

The second law - A line segment joining a planet and the sun sweeps out equal areas during equal intervals of time.  Now imagine there is a straight line from the sun to the Earth, or any other planet.  Now, let's draw a dot on the ellipse where Earth is located.  After that, we wait one hour.  We can now draw a second dot.  We can measure the area of the ellipse and call it X.  Now let's wait until the Earth is on the other side of the ellipse.  Do the same thing.  After one hour, draw two dots, measure the area, and call it Y.  Even though the Earth is further away on one side, and closer on the other, the area of X and Y is the same.

The third law - The square of a planet's orbital period is proportional to the cube of the length of the semi-major axis of its orbit.  Now, let's go back to the circle we had.  Draw a line horizontally to cut the circle in half.  We call this line the major axis.  Now draw another line vertically.  We call this the minor axis.  The major axis line will intersect the minor axis line at the center.  The line from the edge of the circle to the center on the major axis is called the semi-major axis.  Each planet goes around the ellipse in a certain amount of time; each planet is different (ie. Earth being 24 hours.)  We will call this time T.  And we will call the distance on the semi-major axis R.  Kepler's Third Law essentially staes that T multiplied by T is equal to R multiplied by R multiplied by R (ie. T x T = R x R x R.)     

"Now, dear doctor, do you understand that I am indeed not Keplerless."

 "Sir, you are being completely irrational."

"What!  I just went through agonizing detail over each law.  Show some gratitude to your teacher."

"For a man of science, you are not as smart as you think."

Lady Freud gasped again.

"Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?"

"I do bite my thumb."

I threw off my black top hat.  Both my fists out, ready to hit this devilish monster.  The doctor, or should I say this fiendish devil, just shook his head.  I will show his pompous ass a thing or two.  No one calls me Keplerless and gets away with it!

I took a wild swing.  The man in the bird's mask just shifted his feet, and I almost fell down while hitting empty air.

"Lord Kepler, you really do put on a pathetic show."

"I'll show you pathetic."  I grabbed a loose stone from the ground and threw it at the doctor.  The man simply took it without any reaction.

"Resorting to foul play, I see.  I will have to take you out mercilessly."

The doctor game forward, kicking me in the shin.  It hurts.  It hurts.

"The one thing about being a doctor is that you know exactly where to hit a person to incapacitate him."

The doctor drove his fist into my chest.  I can't breathe.   My mouth opened wide, trying to gasp for breath.  Next, the doctor hit me on both sides of the temples.  After that, I took my second nap.