Buying Meat in Space

Another morning arrived and I was awoken to a hot and humid ship interior. The smell of burnt meat assaulted my noise.

"Randy, wake up!" I shouted, as I dove for the fire extinguisher.

The dozen hamburger patties on the grill had turned into black flaming rocks.

Randy, who somehow managed to fall asleep while standing up with his spatula in one hand and the cook book in the other, shot his head up. "Huh?" He muttered only half awake.

I pointed the nozzle of the extinguisher and sprayed the grill. There was a sizzling noise as the fire was snuffed out. Quickly, I flipped off the stove.

I sighed, "You stayed up all night again, didn't you?"

"There's no time for rest, little bro. I have to continually hone my newly acquired cooking skills." He casually started to scrape off the charred residue from the grill top with his spatula.

For the first time in his life, Randy was actually passionate about something other than gambling. I never thought I'd see the day. It almost brought a tear to my eye.

"Are we actually going to open for business today?" I wondered.

Randy just laughed. "Of course not."

I looked at him baffled. "But it's been days since we got all this cooking equipment. We even made all the modifications to the ship you wanted, including the service window. What are you waiting for?"

He went over to one of the cryo coolers and pulled out a frozen beef patty. "This is the problem."

"It's just a piece of meat." I didn't understand what he was getting at.

He shook his head. "No, it's a piece of meat from MarkDonald's... What's the name of our company?"

"Space Burgers LLC." I responded.

"Exactly! If I wanted to sell MarkDonald's burgers, I'd have called our business MarkDonald's." He whipped the frozen patty against the metal wall. "If we're going to sell burgers, they have to be OUR burgers."

"I get what you're saying. What do you have in mind?"

"Glad you asked, little bro. It's simple: we just travel to a ranching planet and find the perfect cut of meat. Once we figure that out, I have a secret weapon." He pulled out a little white box from his pocket with the words, "At home cloning kit" printed on it.

"Where'd you get that?"

"Got it a few months ago at the casino. Gold members got to choose a free gift and it was between this cloning kit or a hoodie with the casino logo on it... I'll admit, part of me regrets not getting that hoodie." He cleared his throat briefly and continued. "Anyways, once we find that perfect beef patty, we can use this kit to produce a near limitless supply of them."

"Will that even wor-?"

He spoke over me, "Enough chit chat, little bro. We got meat to find."

Letting his short attention span get the best of him, he completely tuned me out and jumped into the driver's seat and ignited the engines. Already knowing what was about to happen next, I came prepared with a bicycle helmet that I purchased the day before. Randy punched it and we took off at top speed from the shady asteroid truck stop that we had spent the night at. I tumbled around the cargo bay, smacking against every surface. At the very least, my head was protected this time.

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After speeding down the hyperspace highway, dangerously over the speed limit, Randy exited to a quiet little star system somewhere on the Sagittarius arm of the galaxy.

As we sat idly in the planet's orbit, Randy made his fingers into the shape of a pistol and pointed. "Do me a favor and open that compartment on the floor."

I pulled open the compartment. "There's nothing in here except for a cowboy hat and a stick horse."

"That's not true, there's a hat in there for you too."

I looked closer and there was in fact another cowboy hat... but this one was pink and glittery. It looked like something a sorority girl would wear to a country music concert.

"Why the heck do I get stuck with the pink one?" I protested.

"The hat shop was out of the normal kind, so I had to get that one." He walked over and plopped the pink cowboy hat on my head. "No worries, I got you a hobby horse too." He pulled out a white stick horse with a pink mane and a unicorn horn.

I looked at him straight faced. "I don't even get the point of all this."

He shook his head disappointed. "We're not savages, little bro. You can't show up to a ranching planet without a cowboy hat. That would be as bad as walking around nude in public."

"That's ridiculous. I'm not wearing this."

"Don't be difficult. We have to follow this planet's customs." He straddled his stick horse between his legs, as he got back into the driver's seat. "Buckle up, cuz I'm touching us down."

He punched the gas pedal, and descended us toward the surface of the green oceanless planet that laid in front of us. As we got closer to the ground, it was apparent that this entire world was pretty much one giant pasture. All I could see was grass and cows grazing. Eventually, our ship touched down just on the edge of a small old western style town, which seemed to be the only settlement on the entire planet.

"Let's ride!" Randy proclaimed, already half way outside of the ship.

I wasn't really sure where we were going, but I had no choice but to follow, since he was already galloping full speed ahead on his hobby horse. All the town's bystanders, all of which were dressed like cowboys, didn't seem to pay any mind to Randy's shenanigans. For whatever reason though, despite trying my hardest not to make a scene myself, I was the one getting flashed dirty looks. Some little kids even went as far as flipping me off.

Randy eventually halted in front of one store in particular. "They say this place has the greatest selection of beef in the galaxy. If we're going to find the perfect burger patty, it's going to be here."

On the front of the store, was a sign written in old timey font that read, "Buckaroo Beef Barn". Entering a room full of meat freezers, a robot behind the counter greeted us. It wore a cowboy hat and a blood stained butcher's apron.

The robo-butcher spoke in a robotic voice with a slight southern accent. "Howdy, how can I hel-." It suddenly turned its attention toward me and flashed an angry emoji on its face screen. "We don't serve your kind here. Beep bop."

I stared blankly at it. "..."

Randy punched my shoulder. "I told you to put your hat on, little bro. You're lucky I got an extra."

I sighed, as he pulled out a second pink glittery cowboy hat, seemingly from thin air, and stuck it on my head.

The robo-butcher suddenly changed its tune. "Howdy Partners. How can I help you? Beep bop."

Randy casually leaned up against the counter. "I wanna see the highest quality beef patty you sell, robo-bro."

"Of course. Beep bop." It went into the back for a moment then came back. On the counter, it carefully set down a golden platter. On it was a thick juicy uncooked beef patty that was the perfect shade of pink without an ounce of fat on it. It was so perfect that there was a divine golden glowing aura to it. "This is an extra extreme ultra mega giga premium wagyu beef patty. It comes from a special cattle stock; only one is born every century. Beep bop."

It only took a single glance for Randy to ask, "How much?"

"Three hundred thousand stollars. Beep bop."

I nearly bit my tongue hearing that. "Heck no!"

Randy immediately turned to me. "Can I speak with you for a second outside." The two of us stepped outside the store, where Randy continued speaking. "Listen, we need that patty. there is no other piece of meat worthy enough to be cooked by me."

"Even with our loan, we don't have that kind of money." I responded.

Randy lowered his voice to a whisper. "I need you to distract that robot, so I can get close enough to use my cloning kit on it."

I shook my head in objection. "Isn't that stealing?"

"Of course not. Don't be silly. We're just making a duplicate. It's no different than taking a picture."

"I don't know about that, Randy."

I was skeptical of his plan. It seemed like he was just doing mental gymnastics to justify theft.

He continued to pressure me. "Come on, it'll be fine. What's wrong with bending a couple rules every now and then?"

"But-."

"How many times do I have to tell you? Butts are for crapping." He wouldn't let me get out another word, as he dragged me back into the store.

He shot me a wink as I stood in front of the robo-butcher.

"Wh-what is the... uh... cheapest meat you have?" I nervously stammered.

Randy subtly crept closer to the premium patty.

"According to my data, the cheapest meat we have is the expired product in the dumpster out back, which comes out to approximately zero stollars. Beep bop." The robot's attention wasn't diverted in the least. There still wasn't an opening for Randy.

"Uh... Is there anything in the back that you can-."

There was a sudden crash as shards of wood from the shop's door went splintering in all directions. A figure abruptly came charging into the store.

"Howdy, how can I help you? Beep bop." The robot responded, not seeming phased by the damage just done to its property.

The person that rushed in was a large headed, ginger haired man wearing a bandit mask, black cowboy hat, and an orange jumpsuit. There was something oddly familiar about him, I just couldn't put my finger on it.

The mystery person stopped for a moment and stared at me. Then a second later, he proceeded to kick me in the crotch, snatched the burger patty and ran off with it.

I held myself, slumped over in pain. My voice got slightly higher pitched. "Why me?"

Randy, looking absolutely livid, got back on his stick horse. "That ducker stole the meat I was about to stea-... I mean purchase. Mount up, little bro. We have to go after him!"

He tossed me the unicorn hobby horse and started making his way out the door to begin his pursuit.