An Explosion of Blue

Surprise, surprise. Back in bed, staring up at another ceiling – probably made out of some pale ‘optimal’ emotion-sucking material.

I got up and surveyed my new surroundings, without concern for my balance. It was quite spartan, but there was a computer terminal in the corner and some gym equipment: a funky looking ‘Holomatic’ cross trainer, a treadmill and kettlebells seemed to be the highlights. No photos or plushies.

I was fed up with everything, and didn’t care to pretend otherwise. As time went by, various people came and attempted to speak with me. I blanked them all. They were just voices and vibrations. I’m not here. Seven billion dead.

I was so angry. I took it out on the equipment, mercilessly whipping myself into shape. Very quickly, I was up to running twenty kilometres in 75 minutes on the treadmill, then good for another round of weights straight after – which of course was crazy – well it would be without genetic engineering. My body was just a shell forced on me: I was undeserving of it being a pretty good one.

Periodically, semi-solid porridge goop was left for me. I’d try and eat it slowly, suffering in the restroom shortly afterwards. I noted the pouch of nourishing slime on my arm was a quarter of the size that it used to be. Progress. My digestive system started working better and better, and the dreaded cramps quickly became a thing of the past.

Visits soon thinned out a bit, which didn’t matter much to me. My plan was to get well, so I could leave. It was that simple. I’d say what they wanted me to and then be on my way. To what? I didn’t want to think about that, now. Thinking was very unnecessary. 

I think about a week passed, maybe a day or two more, and I was still living like a silent monk. I was taking an afternoon snooze before Workout 3 of 6 would begin when I heard the door swish open.

I knew who it was before I even saw them. So, they’re playing the only card they’ve got left.

I heard Blue’s voice – sweet, attentive. “Adem…” Then she charged over to me, wrapping herself around me in her familiar way.

Feelings only that could be evoked by her began to bubble inside me, but they were fenced off…I’m not good enough for her. I’m dragging her down.

“I see you’ve gone full beast mode! The ladies won’t be able to keep their hands off you when you get out of here,” she nervously joked, smoothing my upper chest.

The ladies could take a running jump. Not my chest.

“Aren’t you going to talk to me?” Not if I could help it. I knew full well what it would lead to. More weakness. More trouble for her.

Blue squeezed my hand with those delicate fingers of hers; I tried in vein not to squeeze back.

Sensing victory, she moved in for the offensive: “Is this a game of who can be more stubborn, because that could go on for quite some time,” she said. “One of the many things that we have in common. Here’s another thing we both like…”

And Blue pecked my face all over, then zeroed in on my lips. I didn’t even think about it: I just reacted. Her eyes opened in the kiss, staring into me with intense affection and – anger of her own. Anger? What was…going on with her?

“You can’t just go halfway in ruining my life.” She tried to laugh. “You either don’t start or you go all-in. You don’t leave your chicken in the middle of the road clucking about just to be run over by the autotruck.”

She slapped my face, moderately hard. I felt a secret smirk breaking out close to where her warm signature had been left on me. “I know what you’re doing. You want more of these…” She kissed me deeply, again.

It felt amazing. Too amazing.

She smoothed her face over mine, and I felt dampness against my skin. “Since you asked: I’m doing okay, thank you very much. Dr Fisher and Bobbi McSorley have been on my case like flies on a sugar cube. I’ve had to put up with extra training, deep psych evaluations and writing contrite essays on ‘Professionalism in the workplace’ – not a barrel of laughs for your chicken here! They dragged me before a panel who spent three hours cross-examining me and then slapped a serious conduct warning on my record that will probably expire when I’m older than you are now. Oh, and then the highlight, get this – the very next morning, your alarm went and I had to come in and scoop you off the floor. Yet again. They took you away and wouldn’t tell me anything, then they sent me off to visit my family for a week, just to try to ‘clear my head’. I was monitored and couldn’t tell them anything, which was really upsetting. I just locked myself in my room and cried like a baby. Over you, Adem. All about you, as per usual. When can I stop crying over you? Hey – look at me, at least.” She slapped me again, with a touch more venom than before.

I did so and felt almost overpowered by my feelings for her – including mounting worry. I’d been so selfish for so long. I was causing her too many problems.

“Finally, you’re tuning in! No kisses for you this time!”

She took a deep breath, and plunged in. “They might not get my feelings for you Adem, but I do. I’ve had to or I would have gone crazy. I’ve made up my mind. I’m going to quit –”

“– No.”

“And…sorry, what?”

“No.”

“Hear me out! I’m going to be with you, if that’s what you want. They can’t stop that.”

Oh man. She was taking a leap of faith, but off a cliff. I was at the bottom of that cliff, smashed to pieces. Dead. Died in 2025.

I’m too broken. I’m not good enough for you.

“Adem? Do you hear me? I…I –”

My voice came cold and low. “No, Blue. Don’t throw your life away on an abomination like me.”

“Abom…you sound just like those Sectist losers now!”

“Maybe they’re right. Anyway. No. I’m honestly not worth it. Go find someone you can save –”

“HEY! That was really crappy of you. You really think it’s all about that? Sounds like Dr Fisher got into your head. That’s the sort of junk he comes out with.”

I took a clearing breath. “You’re a…an…amazing, wonderful person and you deserve a happy life. With someone real. Not artificial on the outside, primitive on the inside. Set up to be a laughing stock. I’m sure I’ll live up to that billing.”

“Oh, so that’s it? Because of some self-pity trip you’re on? I expected better from you!”

“Well, sorry to disappoint you, but join that queue at the back of the line. It’s going to be a long one.”

Blue was closer to red right now, volcanic with sheer exasperation. She started lightly thumping my chest. “I – can’t – win! But I want to! Tell me what to do! Tell me! Tell me how to make it work and to get you to see sense!” She really unloaded. “You stupid idiot. I know how you feel – I know it! You gave me the courage to realise how I felt! Why are you now so scared? Why are they so scared? First, you’re the vulnerable one and I’m using you, then I’m the vulnerable one and you’re using me – what’s wrong with the simple truth? Stupid! Stupid! Ugh! My tiger’s stuck in a stupid game. Why can’t I –”

“– Save you.” I finished it for her. “That’s what it all comes down to. You want to save me. Your feelings are based on someone who died back in 2025. I’m a different person now, Blue! Different body, empty inside, blurred memories of things which may or may not have happened.”

“Rubbish! I know you! Stop pushing me away! You’re my tiger!” You’re my chicken.

“Paper tiger...” Tissue paper tiger, even.

“Oh, shut up! You’ve now decided you’re not ‘good enough’? Pretend it’s true. Pretend even ninety percent of what you're saying is true, okay, and you don’t crap rainbows and can’t move mountains. I don’t care! Because it’s you and I –”

“I think you should go.”

“What? Whaaat? No. No, seriously, you really mean –”

“– Yes, I do. I’m sorry Blue.”

Blue froze and became ice. “You. Utter. Ass.” Spitting out those words like bitter poison she had been forced to swallow that wouldn’t stay down.

She turned on her heels, eyeing the guard.

“AND WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE LOOKING AT? GET OUT OF MY WAY, MORON!”

Stomping off, I could hear the door swish shut behind her, then further yelling from the corridor.

I was pretty sure that I’d never see her again.