Closer

I didn't know just how fast Lottie could be, if I tinkered a little with her settings. We were driving on the power lines faster than ever before. The dark trees blurred together, and would soon be swallowed up by the darkness of the night. Only a few maintenance lights glowed in a soft orange hue in the dark, but to me, they were nothing more than bright streaks of light going by.

I hadn't left my cushioned seat in the cockpit since I met up again with Em. She hadn't said anything, either. Together, we had an uncomfortable silence between us that was close to suffocating me.

I should have never taken her along, I thought. But just as quickly as that thought came, I shook my head again. No, Toma. No more running away. You can't change anything about this, anyways. She was here now. And she was my friend. I would help her the best I could.

But to do that, I had to face my greatest fear in that moment: actually talking with her about it.

“Let’s stop for the night,” I said. “I want to see the stars again.”

“That sounds good.”

She didn’t sound that perturbed, but in my chest, my heart was hammering away. I’m a coward. Pushing this moment away again and again. But at least, I managed to stop Lottie, which only made me feel more sick.

There was no right choice. I felt hunted, betrayed, like everything was falling apart. It was difficult to take the hoverpads and step outside. The cold wind hit my face, and my breath fogged up in an instant. Even though I changed my suit to ‘outside - fall’, I still shivered. For a moment, I contemplated to drop everything, and just run into the forest, run until my legs gave up under me. Or maybe scream. That would be nice, as well.

But I did nothing like that. Instead, I waited for Emelyse to join me, and offered her a hoverpad. I sat down on mine, and craned my neck back.

The stars were just as beautiful as before, I thought. But they seemed more distant now, as if I could never reach them. Emelyse was from one of them. And everyone seemed to be looking for her.

She didn’t say anything. Everytime I glanced at her, she had a light smile on her face, as if she was content with her situation. It was so different from when she had spotted the other Kandarians - there had been fear on her face. But now? It was as if nothing had happened.

I waited too long. My nose burned from the cold, and I wanted to just go back inside.

"So, are we being, like, hunted?" I asked.

The words slipped out of my mouth before I could stop myself.

"Hunted?" Emelyse tilted her head, and then shook it. "No, we're not being hunted."

"Then what's the deal with those guys? They were looking for you. And you hid from them. Clearly, there is something more going on."

I couldn't keep the anger from slipping out with my words. And they hit her. I watched her twitch, and quickly shook my head. Even if I wanted to retreat, I couldn't.

"I'm sorry," I said, more quiet now.

"I understand. I haven't been fully honest with you." She looked up at the stars, then back at me, and took off her glasses. Her eyes looked bigger, and darker now. More bug-like, less human.

"I am Emelyse, princess of Kanda", she said. "When I met you, I was searching for a way to learn more about human life. At the moment, you proved to be the perfect subject to study."

"Uh..."

"But then, I grew attached." She looked away. "Maybe I delved deeper into my studies than I should have. I didn't want to leave you. I know that at one point, I will have to return to my planet, my kin, but before that... please, allow me to accompany you to the end of your journey. It's not that far away, right?"

"That's not it." I shook my head. "You lied to me. I trusted you, and..."

I wanted to call you my friend, I thought. But I didn't say it out loud. I was hurting more than enough, and lashing out would only feel good for a moment.

I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to fight. And yet, at the same time, I wanted to run away. Alone. Scream. Do anything but have this conversation.

"I understand."

"You don't," I hissed. "How could you?"

"I am your friend," she said. "You're more to me than a study subject."

"Oh yeah? Right now, it doesn't feel like that."

"I under-"

"Stop saying that!"

How could she understand me? How could she repeat those words, over and over again? I couldn't look at her.

"I thought you were my friend, and yet- you lied to me, you studied me - that's not something that a friend does! I trusted you!"

"Toma, I..." she trailed off. "I am truly sorry. How can I make it up to you?"

"How should I know?" I huffed. "Right now, I'm just angry. And I don't think you can change that."

"..."

I kept my gaze firmly locked into the forest and its shadows. I couldn't bear to look at her right now. I was boiling inside, and my tears threatened to overspill. I shook my head.

"Let's go back inside. We shouldn't stay here for too long."

"...we?"

I sighed. "Yes, we. Come on. Don't make me regret this any further."

I don't want to be alone. Please, just let this be over.

And without another word, I took the hoverpads and went back inside the travel pod.

"Good evening, Toma! Did you enjoy the nighttime ambience?"

"Shut up, please."

"Ouch!" Lottie said, still cheerful.

"Sorry."

I shook my head. I should just stop doing anything for the night. Maybe sleeping would fix everything. Behind me, I could hear Emelyse enter, and Lottie's door closed.

"Let's go," I mumbled to myself, and set the course once more.

With a low rumble, Lottie started up, and followed along the power lines once more. I stretched, and turned around.

Emelyse had already crawled into bed, and curled up under the blanket. Maybe she was asleep. Maybe she just wanted not to disturb me. For a moment, I looked at her, and the longer I looked, the more my anger started to fade. Then, I just felt hollow, and a pale, grey sadness started to set in.

I didn't cry. I just got ready for the night, and quietly went to bed. The sheets were cold, and I couldn't help but shiver. Still, there was no reaction from Emelyse. Maybe it was better this way.

I turned off the light. Now there was only the occasional ray of moonlight to tell me we were driving on and on. The gentle sway of the pod finally swept all thoughts away, and the cold inside of me was replaced by a low and comfortable warmth.