Believe

I was taken back to the shed and beaten some more.

The guards eventually left, and I was alone.

I coughed up blood. Well, at least it wasn’t that horrible gunk. I was sure my face was in a bad way, and I probably had a few cracked ribs for souvenirs. Good old pain for company again.

Slumped in the corner, I regained my focus, noticing faint light coming in from the window from the oil lamps on the other buildings. I started to try to feel sorry for myself. But I couldn’t.

My mind was peaceful. Too peaceful.

Then – something strange happened. Since that day in the facility, I had felt a detachment to myself. Like I was outside of myself, playing some sort of rpg game, just for amusement's sake at times. Disassociation. The speech, the phone-in, everything – it was like I had been in remote control of myself. I didn’t feel the discomfort or any worry deeply because…

It was unreal to me. Even when Blue was taken, as precious as she was to me – it still felt like events were happening around me, not to me.

But then, in that moment, I – returned to ‘my’ body. Fully.

And I realised something:

The past, everything that has happened to you, is part of your story. How you tell it is up to you. My past, the famous past I was celebrated for, was gone. It might have shaped me, defined me – but it also could constrain me, too. And my future – well, it didn’t look like I had much of one. Regardless, I wasn’t there, yet. Who knew if it would or would not come.

I only had the now. And, in that now, I only had my familiar friend: pain.

We all have pain to deal with in the now. Your pain could be different than mine. It’s only different by degrees – by the labels we stick on it, and what our very nerves place on it.

We generally believe that 'Pain is a bad thing' and crave comfort instead. This desire has helped shape and drive whole societies.

There is always pain. Pain is the responsibility of being human. But there are sensations of pain, and there’s the pain that comes from thoughts. Pain from the life story.

In that moment, I decided to accept it. Face it head-on: both pains.

I would have an answer for Olsen the next day. But that was in the future.

I only ever had the now.

***

I came to. I felt arms around me.

It was Blue.

“Hey, tiger,” she purred, burying herself into me. “They let me see you. No hard feelings, they said.”

I looked at her. “Your cuts and bruises have healed fast.”

“Yeah, they healed me up. They’ll heal you up, too. They want you to make a speech tomorrow. And – I think if you give them what they want, they’ll let us go! They just want to scare you into doing a good job.”

I thought, for a second. For some reason, my insides were flat.

“What do you think…we’ll do then?”

“I think we can go back to New City.”

“In disgrace –”

“– Who cares what other people think? You’re Adem. Everyone loves you.”

I saw her grin and caught a cardboard-like whiff from her hair. Her skin felt unfamiliar. Her warmth against me was cooler than I remembered.

“Remember the letter you wrote for me, the red envelope you left on my piano?”

“…Oh yes, Adem, what about it?”

“What words did you use to describe the guards?”

“I…I can’t remember every word I wrote! Can you remind me?”

“You called them imbeciles.”

“Yes, I did. They were such imbeciles, weren’t they.”

“Sure. Believing every word they heard. Good job we’re not so stupid, eh.”

“Yea.” She grinned, impishly.

My mind backtracked to Gavin telling us earlier that day that three sets of hologear had been taken...

“Please let go of me,” I said coldly.

She backed away. “Why, Adem –”

“– Whoever you are, go and tell Olsen that I will only cooperate if I know Blue is alive. Ask him to send her to me. Then I will answer his question in the morning and do what he wants me to do. That’s all.”

Her face deactivated and a woman in her thirties with a similar frame to Blue smiled ruefully. “I guess my acting left a lot to be desired,” she said in a Southern States drawl, “but I thought I got the voice spot on!” instantly reverting to Blue’s warm and earnest tones.

I nodded, “That, you did.” I was just pleased she hadn’t kissed me.

The woman slapped my face hard. And left.

Some minutes later, the door creaked open and Blue was shoved into me, falling in a heap on me.

This time, my Blue wrapped herself around me, and I felt her, causing my insides to melt, her warmth spreading round me. Those ocean eyes locked onto me as powerfully as ever, no – more powerfully than ever. I was whole again.

She inhaled sharply. “Adem, you’re a mess! What have they done to you?”

I tried to smile. “’Tis but a scratch.”

Blue tears came. “I’ve spent so long…seeing you in pain. It’s so hard to stand. When will it ever end? I wish I could –”

“– Ssssh. I know.”

She kissed me deeply, lovingly, merging with me. “Those guards – they’re such morons!”

And we laughed. “I knew they wouldn’t fool you,” she said while I breathed in her vanilla smell. “I thought I was going insane, back at the facility. Maybe I did just a little bit. Everything has been so strange since you woke up! It’s all your fault!”

I looked into the deepest depths of her eye and said it, finally. 

“I love you.”

“Ssssh. I know.” We laughed. “I know, you ass. And. I. Love. You. Forever. Always.”

We kissed and held each other. All we had was the now. Pain, love and the now.

“Bok bok bok.”

“Whump whump whump.”

They can’t beat that out of us.

“Finished with all that 'you’re not good enough for me' crap yet?”

“Definitely. At least I now know you’re not into me for my looks!”

She heaved with laughter. “You just look more rugged than ever. Like you fought a mountain bear and just about won on points!”

We wrapped ourselves tighter in each other. I barely felt any pain. It was like she was overflowing into me.

After feeling those moments of utter happiness, our predicament came back to me. Prevail.

“I have to ask – why did they untie your wrists?”

“Maybe they figured us hugging would soften you up a little. I’ve got this collar on, you see,” she pointed. “For all their supposed hatred of modern tech, they do have a few things they like playing with. If you hit out or try to disconnect your bonds, the collar will zap me with high voltage.”

“Then you’ll be Electric Blue. Or shocking blue –”

“– You seem to be an expert on all things blue!”

“I’m learning, my love.”

As she cuddled me more, I wondered if the collar was electromagnetic, amongst other things…

“What? What are you thinking? I can feel the gears turning in your head.”

“I’m thinking – no, I’m not saying anything.” I doubted we would be under surveillance, but one never knew.

“I knew you’d come up with a plan! I know you’re scheming something.” I looked at her with shut-up-please eyes, pointing to her collar. “You never know,” I faintly whispered. She nodded.

I went on louder. “No, Blue. Our goose is cooked. Our chicken is barbecued.”

“Maybe. But the tiger cannot be tamed!”

“Haha. Blue. You’re JOKING.” I had to ask something, surveillance or not. “And do you honestly think they’ll let you go, if I comply?”

“Umm…actually, I can’t say for certain. I don’t think killing a nurse would be a good look for them and would help them in any way. It depends on what they want for you…However, I have seen them all. I maybe know too much about them, so I think if I was them, I’d –”

I already had moved on, and I didn’t want Blue to maybe give more away. “They won’t kill you,” I lied. “Remember they’re morons.”

She nodded. I went on.

“You saw Dr Fisher?”

“Yes. He looked at me in a funny way. A way I’d never seen before. And he hasn't spoken to me. Not once.”

“I saw him earlier, and he didn’t speak to me either. He’s never been a guy lost for words before.”

“Well. He is, now.”

It clicked. A smile broke out on my face. “I think we’re doomed. We’re absolutely screwed.”

“I can see that. No chance at all.”

She made a gap of about an inch between her thumb and finger, and I nodded.

She then smiled and cuddled into me. “I always believed in you. And I always will.”