The Final Chapter

A few days had passed since the event with the kraken.  And apparently I was the biggest celebrity on Kepler's Ring.  I had interviews left and right.  Everyone was talking about the hero who had saved everyone.  I wasn't very happy to receive all the attention, since it gave me social anxiety.  Large crowds got to me, but giant octopus-like monsters were no problem.

Today was my wedding day.  And because we all wanted to wear something special, we decided to have the wedding at Central Park.  There was a wide sidewalk with a white arch.  Under it was the ugly priest who had a strange relationship with Einstein for some reason.  The pathway was covered with red and white rose petals.  All my friends, all the High Lords, some freeloaders who wanted to get free stuff, and the asshole doctor were all here.

I stood and waited for my new bride to walk down the aisle.  A man with a thick beard and a green skirt started to play a bagpipe.  I found the music form it loud and obnoxious, but apparently this was the type of music that was commonly played in modern-day weddings.  But I personally imagined a scenario where I walked up to bagpipe man and stuffed the pipe down his throat.

After the bagpipe man was finished playing his terrible song, all the invited guests and freeloaders clapped.  My lungs froze as I watched my future wife and her huge assets march down the aisle.  The white wedding dress was tight and was low-cut in just the right places.  I grinned a stupid grin.  (ie. The kind of grin that you know makes you look stupid, but you can't stop making it.)

Athena was behind Lady Freud.  And just as Lady Freud had promised, she got to throw flowers.  The problem was that the basket was so small that she had managed to throw all the flowers in like two handfuls.  Not the little girl looked perplexed as to what to do next.  She ran around the sidewalk pulling up flowers from the various gardens, ripping them apart and throwing them at the guests.  At least she was happy doing it.

The Lady Freud joined me at the arch.  Athena wasn't paying attention to anything that was going on.  She was now rolling around on the ground.  She had found it quite fascinating that the rose buds would stick to her dress as she did so.

The ugly priest made a coughing sound, almost like he expected me to do something about the little girl.  I wasn't sure if doing that was really my problem or if I wanted to contend with a girl that could rip a person in half with no effort.  Luckily for me, Trina picked Athena up without me saying anything.  I'm not sure what happened to Athena after that, but I didn't see her for the rest of the night.

"Ladies and gentlemen.  It is an honor to bear witness to this holy union between High Lord Kepler and High Lady Freud.  In the light of Newton, our living God, may these two live happily ever after."

[I should clear up some things here, My friend.  No one knew or suspected that Newton was dead.  And that's the way I liked it.  I did have a plan to avoid the war already brewing in my brain.  I would introduce Athena as a saint, first.  Incorporate her into the religion that already existed.  Then when the time was right, bang!  She would be the true Goddess.  Now, you're probably wondering how I planned to do everything so smoothly.  Well, that's where Lead Pipe Larry came in.  Bonk!  Just a few members on the council and top church officials dead, and I would be bright as day.  And using Newton's formula to turn her into a God when she was at the right age wouldn't have the same effects as using the blue plasma.  The future of our world would belong to my stepdaughter, Athena.  But enough of that; we have a wedding to end.]

"Do you, High Lord Kepler, take High Lady Freud as your wife?"

"I do."

"And do you, High Lady Freud, take High Lord Kepler as your husband?"

"I do."

"Then as a priest of Newton, I pronounce you husband and wife."

Everyone cheered loudly.  I smiled my stupid smile.  And Lady Freud gave me a big fat kiss on my lips.  All in all, it was a lovely wedding.  And as an added bonus, I certainly wasn't a virgin by the end of that night.  I thought about adding the details of that, but that might have to wait to be an adult-only DLC.

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That's the end, my friend.  We certainly have had a wonderful adventure, haven't we?  You probably didn't expect some of the twists and turns that have occurred in this story, or perhaps you saw them coming from miles away.

And you may ask yourself, what's next for High Lord Kepler?

What's next?!  What do you mean?  Didn't I do enough, My Friend.  I saved the world from a bloody kraken after all.  I got married to a woman after only knowing her for a very short time.  I adopted a kid with supernatural abilities.  A complete and totally original premise that you cannot find in any other story.

Did I solve everything?  Did I turn every unturned stone?  What about Tesla's orb?  What about the dark space?  What about your Dear Friend?

Unfortunately, not every mystery or every rock can be upturned in the world.  I can only do so much with the time that has been given to me.

My Dear Friend, I suspect you who have read to the end of this may be feeling a certain kind of feeling.  A feeling of sadness or loneliness.  A feeling of disconnect.  This is perhaps the final conversation that the two of us can have.  And all I say is that I hope to share this time with you again.  But the world isn't made with the things we want or hope for.

And if you have come to the end of this and thought to yourself, "This story was pointless and worthless," then I have another important lesson to impart on you here and now.

I remember the most pointless and worthless things more than I do the ones that matter.

Your Dear Friend,

Kepler.