chapter 0 ~ rock n' roll, afternoon light falls on you.

If I could, I would repaint the world
Nothing as drastic as getting rid of wars
But maybe, there’s a bit of that too

Rock n’ Roll Morning Light Falls on You
ASIAN KUNG-FU GENERATION

I’ve always aspired to become a hero.

Not the hero who saves the world─a street level operator is enough. I'd also love to be a decent artist, maybe a manga-ka or a violinist, who inspires an entire generation. Still, I would welcome being bitten by a radioactive bug, or become the avatar for a deity of any kind.

Expectedly, these were troublesome for my teachers during career conference week.

"No, you need to choose a real career," they said. Afterwards, I got to know all the things I've been good at as they point out one by one the titles I could take. Their words, not mine, I could be a scientist and make a real breakthrough for mankind to benefit from. After a bunch of retaliation that would mark my infamy throughout the school, I finally wrote ‘physicist’ on paper for their satisfaction.

Of course, this didn't stop me from wanting to become a hero.

And I'd poke fun at them for rejecting the notion.

I know this isn't a viable option for school.

With respect to myself, I don't want to bar that from coming true. Sometimes, I like telling other people things I want to happen for the pressure. That way, I wouldn't want to betray their expectations. Then, bam! Surprise, motherfuckers, I have electricity coursing through my veins.

Ha ha! You get the idea.

I say that, however, there's one dream I've never gone around announcing to people.

I want to be a girl.

I don't think explaining it would make sense.

Myself encumbered, it's never been a dismal dream but a numbingly recurring process.

As much as I love transformation belts, I will also be enthralled by frilly dresses and cute wands.

I also have a pile of fashion magazines at home.

Still, I wasn’t gay.

I didn't have an intense reason for this dream to break out.

Over time, it had devolved into a lesser thought given how impossible it is.

As I love being myself, I find surgical transformation entirely irksome.

Makeup and crossdressing is a-ok.

However, those don’t give the genuine experience.

In any case, I didn't expect wanting to morph into a girl as I cycled the Kyoto streets on my way to a part-time job. In a loose shirt and a brown khaki, I was feeling the breeze in the most teenage boy way possible. Uncaring of life in overall, and was stopped by the street light because I had to obey traffic rules.

That was when I saw her butterflies dancing to a soundless symphony exclusively pricking a boy's heart into a mania.

I, the rascal who dreams, stared at the stylish guitarist radiantly standing adjacent at the crosswalk.

A lone figure on a listless stride. Draped in a soft, oversized cardigan, her skirt flowed down to her ankles, and swayed with the wuthering Autumn winds. Pitched eyes absorbed into her cloistered world, fingers gently strumming on air in constant motion.

Prettiest girl I've seen.

Shot by the breeze, her cardigan creased open: whirling to her long doll hair mounted a cute surprise. Her eyes wide, lips slowly distancing themselves to one another. Wind blowing near from a distance, her panicked caress led to her hair swaying out of control.

Spacetime slowing in motion.

On that short enough moment, the frame rate per second had skyrocketed to infinite, and she instantly raptured through all my senses that I felt my eyes itch.

A cascade of inexplicable water dropped on asphalt.

I heard myself mumbling, "How does it feel like to be a girl…?”

Must be nice.

Like her with the guitar dangling over her back: I’d succumb to a doll’s daydream of meeting rock.

Birthing the subculture girl with a Telecaster on her back, saying yahoo to her bandmates.

In any case, once the indicator says "walk,” I'll never be able to see her again. I savored the remaining duration observing her in silence. But being the joke I am, I overlooked something crucial in lieu of admiration.

A good thirty seconds: the light had flashed green, and we haven’t budged from where we stood.

It was too late when I realized she wasn't in a desirable condition.

Her head dropped an angle.

Delusions were trashed, unprompted, clicking my tongue in the process─maybe even bitched and moaned─but I took a leap of faith to sprint forward.

Despite the unintended time attack, I was able to catch her before her knees gave out and collapsed.