FIVE - Hearthfire (Yoshida Masanori)

‘An unfamiliar ceiling…’

My eyes opened to another unfamiliar ceiling. The white tiled roof stared back at me in its monotone way. I continue staring as if expecting it to open it’s eyes that seemingly appeared out of nowhere. But nothing like that happened. I looked around then, as if expecting someone but I saw that no one was there. The room was silent except for my breathing and my beating heart.

Looking around, I see my usual setup; closed curtains, the room sprawled with complete and incomplete canvases, and packed boxes with more painting supplies and clothes. Although I still prefer my hood over all of them. For a one-bedroom apartment, it was large compared to the conventional ones around here. My bed was in a separate room inside the study which was also more than adequately spacious. To the left were shelves where I’d kept my instant ramen and paints and I’d already unpacked some of the clothes and placed them in the cupboard next to it. And-

I heard a knock on the door across the hall. I groaned and rolled my eyes, ‘Who’s interrupting my monologue?’

“You awake?” a familiar voice sounded. I sighed, I forgot she was here too…

I slowly got up from my bed and moved my stuff out of the way to the sides. For some reason, my legs felt fine, so I let go of the crutches. The doc said two to three weeks but I didn’t see the reason if it’s fine now. And yes, I was obviously ignoring her. I had no energy to deal with her so early in the morn. I heard an irritated sound from outside, “Your spare key…a doormat isn’t a good place to hide it y’know?”

My eyes widened but what could I do? I sighed, making a mental note to change its hiding place.

“What is it?” I asked, brushing my hair away from my eyes (I should really get a cut).

The door slowly creaked open and Rie entered the room. I can’t believe that it took only a week for her to adjust to this place. Her hair was well combed and tied with a gold bow. She wore a yellow sleeveless vest with a white heart in the middle and dark blue jeans. But what really left me speechless for an unknown reason were her eyes… They looked more alive than I’ve ever seen eyes look. Her deep brown eyes shined with a special radiance and I felt drawn to it again…

I hadn’t realised it but I was staring at her face for too long. It was only when her voice snapped me out of a borderline trance and my eyes met with her quizzical expression that I atually did come to said conclusion. “What’s wrong? Something on my face?”

I shook my head, a tad pink-faced. “Nah… This is just weird… Living well…not alone..”

She took the liberty of adjusting a canvas that hung on the wall; a drawing of a rainy day in the city. “You didn’t live with people like…at all? Your…parents… That’s the word, yes?”

I nodded, “Well, I moved out.”

Rie laughed, “But isn’t that stupid? You moved away from a place of security…”

A snap resounded in my head as if it were playing on reverb, as if something clicked. I grit my teeth for a moment… I really wanted to kick her out but then again, she didn’t really know of my circumstances now, did she? “Why are you here again?” I asked, rolling my eyes. “Definitely not to waste my time, yes?”

Rie gritted her teeth hearing that remark, “Ughh, You’re insufferable!”

I nodded matter-of-factly, “I know. I did warn you.”

The girl uttered a momentary yelp of surprise after hearing the response, “No t-that’s not… I’m sorry…”

Look, I know what I said was uncalled for…but it’s best for her if she does distance herself from me… Right?

I shook my head and watched as she left with dragged steps, “Breakfast’s ready…” she said from outside. Her face wasn’t visible, nor was her body. But it was obvious that she felt really bad. (I know I’m a bitch, I apologise). “We have to go to Okuda-san’s to get some fabric for Akagi-san so eat quick…”

And her hand reached toward the door, closing it shut without her letting me speak another word.

—-

Breakfast was your typical steamed rice and miso soup with some natto. We were back at Akagi-san's place to eat. Rie sat silently across from me and didn't speak a word, only playing with her food with a depressed look on her face. She took small patches of rice with her chopsticks and slowly ate them obviously looking like she was zoned out. I noticed the concerned momentary glances she pointed toward me, her mouth opening as if she wanted to say something but withdrawing just as easily. And moments later she caught my gaze and quickly withdrew.

"What's wrong, you two?" Akagi-san asked, taking a seat next to Rie and serving herself some of the food. But neither of us spoke a word. Akagi-san looked at both of us one by one, her eyes finally lighting up after realizing something. As for what that something was, I'm no mind reader. I don't know.

Akagi-san rose.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“Something came up.”

Rie tilted her head, “Eat with us at least.”

Akagi-san only shrugged, “It’s a bit urgent. Got a text from one of the employees.” And then which left just the two of us. The room was silent, except for our chewing and swallowing motions, the occasional movement of plates, our breathing and, of course, the sounds of the morning rush hour from downstairs—honking cars and the cacophony of the voices of various people.

But neither of us spoke. I had nothing to say to her. I just wanted the distance. I know she was concerned but to be concerned about someone like me would only hurt her later down the line. It’s not gonna do her well. So she should really just give up… I don’t understand her persistence.

"You shouldn't have been born! Look how much of a disgrace you have become!"

"You hurt him! How dare you hurt him?? I loved him and you hurt him."

When you try to do good things for someone, it never ends well. When you just want them to smile, they don't try to understand the one who's trying to help. And when you try to tell them, they shoot you down. What's the use anyway? I can easily just be a person easy to hate. I don't have to be involved in their life and I can just do my own thing. When you get involved in something you're not supposed to even if it’s for the person you care for. When you try to get involved in incidents in general, it leads back to you breaking..it has always been the same and will always be the same.

Honestly, what the hell is wrong with us humans?

My mind was rejecting that idea. An aversion that maybe she's different. How could she be any different? She's new and doesn't know the cruelty of this world. She'll end up the same way as the rest…. But…

If I can do otherwise then… If… If I can not let her experience it then…

"I apologise"

Her voice startled me out of my thoughts. Not because it was sudden but because she still apologised.

"Why…?" I muttered unknowingly.

She bowed her head, "I should've respected your space… I shouldn't have asked all that…"

I shook my head vigorously, "No no. Why are you apologising? That's not how this was, supposed to be…"

What was it supposed to be anyway...? What’s wrong with me?

“I disrespected your privacy,” She responded, tugging her top nervously but speaking in a direct tone, “It’s not right no matter who it is… So yeah, I’m sorry.”

I felt my teeth grit in frustration. What was I doing? Why did I feel bad? I was clearly in the right… What’s wrong with me?

“No, I’m just an insensitive idiot... I know what you did was wrong but I shouldn’t have acted that way around you. I’m just being an ass to you. I-”

Rie stood up abruptly, her fists clenched so hard her knuckles turned white. Her eyes had this distraught, pained look. I looked into them and those deep brown eyes filled with turmoil, it made me curse myself but why? What am I feeling?

“Why are you so self-deprecating?” she yelled, her figure towering over me who just sat there speechless, “What’s your deal? Why do you make yourself out to be a bad guy huh? What’s wrong with you?! Why are you like this? I… I wanna ask you so much but it hurts… I-”

I felt something crumble inside me, my body suddenly taking to its legs and standing up with an equally hurt expression. What was this face I was making? What did my eyes reflect? Was it hate? For whom? Was it fear? Of whom? Was it regret? Why?

“What is wrong with me? What’s not wrong with me? I’ve been insufferable ever since we met. I’ve been yelling and brooding. I’m self-absorbed, almost prideful. It’s fucking disgusting that I even get the right to stand here like this. I… Everywhere I go, people lose a part of themselves. Every time I open up, people get hurt. Every person I meet, they hate me. Doesn’t that mean I’m such a bad guy I-”

Suddenly, the voices of shuffling footsteps distracted me. I looked toward the other end of the room to notice a little girl with youthful features, a girl of about four years, holding a stuffed penguin in a death grip as she rubbed her eyes with a free hand. “W-what…wrong…?” she asked.

I felt my penetrating gaze suddenly soften up, “Hana-chan…” my lips curled into a soft smile, “Morning…”

“Morning… Nori-nii and Rie-nee…fighting…?”

I noticed Rie’s analytical stare and then Hana with a seemingly confused expression. Rie opened her mouth to say something but my voice somehow came out first.

“No…we’re… We’re just playing house.” I felt myself smile wider, gesturing for her to come closer. Hana ran to me, hugging my leg for dear life. I felt my body shiver but I patted her forehead, bending down to look her in the eye. Hana began to pout hard, looking away from me, “Lying…”

I was surprised. But then again, we did look very agitated. I laughed, “We…we apologised” I looked at Rie for a moment, “We did fight but we said sorry, okay?”

The child’s eyes sparkled, filling me with happiness… Honestly, I don’t know why she does that to me… But she does… It was like this feeling of protectiveness I never felt before always came into play when she was around. “Why don’t you eat, yeah?”

Hana nodded her head joyfully, running out of the room, and leaving us alone again. I stood up from my position, retaking my seat but I noticed Rie standing there, looking at me speechlessly. “What?”

It was obvious that my monotone voice startled her, “I-it’s just….” she groaned in frustration before heaving a sigh, “....dumbass… Can’t even realise basic stuff…”

She stomped her foot in frustration before she stormed out of the room, leaving me alone.