Dreaming Insecurities and a Manly Death

Thanks to Dawn's introductions and a general display of competence, I had somehow found myself as the village factotum, performing all manner of odd jobs: fetching water, preparing food, cleaning, laundry... being adroit with fox magic turned out to have its drawbacks.

Still, I often got to hang out with Dawn, and given my experience with a lack of friendship in my previous life, it was not something I took for granted. I particularly enjoyed the light-hearted exchange we would have as we otherwise busied ourselves. But sometimes we could also have more serious conversations as well.

One day, while assisting the Harvesters with a particularly bountiful find, Dawn brought up a concern that had been on her mind since the Morning-Sun x Mesa episode. "Hey Indigo, can I talk to you about something?"

"Umm, sure."

"Normally, I would bring this up with River, but I don't think she would understand."

"Glad to see I'm your second string."

"I didn't mean it like that, I've just known River for a long time; we talk about everything." I had only meant that as a joke, with just a twinge of insecurity.

"Okay then, what is it that River wouldn't understand?"

"It's just that, ever since you helped Morning-Sun Hunter, I've been thinking." She paused for a moment. "Thinking about my own future prospects." Well, that made sense. For one so enamored with romance, it only seemed natural to be highly interested in your own.

"Well, you are a bit self-righteous," I commented. She shot me a disdainful glance. "But you are very sincere. I'm sure you will be just fine."

"But will I be able to find my ideal mate though? One that will leave me as giddy as Morning-Sun Hunter?"

"Is it good to burn that bright? Sometimes slow and steady is better," I said, while pushing some foliage out of the way.

"Hmm... I suppose a relationship that built up over time could have its appeal too." She chewed over the idea, but I think she missed the point. "But the problem is I would have to wait for the right sojourner to come along, and then, I would have to compete with everyone else!"

"Well, probably not EVERYONE else," I returned. It was a straight shot for Morning-Sun Hunter, and I couldn't imagine the sojourner came much better than that.

"But I could still be waiting a long time!" True, especially if one had high standards, which Dawn seemed to be indicating that she did. "And this got me thinking about what role I want."

"...Isn't that a completely different subject?"

"Just listen. I've been thinking about it ever since I got my mask. Still, the thing is, I'm not particularly good at anything, well anything role-worthy at least."

"What are you talking about? I've seen you doing all kinds of things competently." Was Dawn secretly insecure of herself?

"Being able to do something and being able to do something well are not the same. A role should be a talent!"

Well, I'm sure that is helpful. "Didn't you just allude to being good at something?"

"...Dancing,'' the thought just barely squeaked out.

"Umm, could you say that again?"

"DANCING!" She shouted it this time. "I like dancing..."

I pursed my mouth. "...Really?"

"Yes! Is it that hard to believe?"

"It's just... I've never seen you dancing before or nor heard you mention it till now."

"Well..." She turned away bashfully. As a formerly highly insecure person, I could recognize self-doubt when I saw it. But before I could say anything, "Don't even ask me to show you! It would be too embarrassing."

"Well, If it's embarrassing, then I don't think you could make it your role." That's where she was going with this, I was sure.

"That's not even the problem," she shot back. "That role doesn't even exist here..." That was true, thinking about it. I never met anyone named Dancer, though some practiced it recreationally.

"Hmm, then why bring it up at all?"

"Because it's the only thing I really enjoy, and think I might be good at..."

"Still..."

"I've heard there is a village where the priests and priestesses perform dance as part of their worship." Oh, well that's something. She continued, "Also they get to wear fancy clothes!" Dawn did have a modest interest in style, though she didn't let it get out of hand. But…

"How do you know they have fancy clothes?"

"Well, just look at Hailstone Priest!"

"Uh, fair point. But where is the problem then? Do you think you are not good enough?"

"...I would have to do a sojourn." That would be the obvious implication of the role being in another village. Strange I didn't consider this until she stated it directly.

I stopped and faced her. "...Are you afraid?"

"A little. But that's not the problem. Sojourners usually already have a role." Do they?

"Mesa didn't."

"I'm pretty sure he had some apprenticeship already under him when he arrived." That made sense. "But still, that gives me hope." A small amount of sun made it through the trees and spilled across Dawn.

"When there is a will, there is a way.” We started walking again. “I'm sure you will figure it out." I encouraged Dawn. In truth, I wasn't sure if it would end in success, but what's the worst that could happen?

"But I'm also worried about..." She was being awfully timid today. I had never seen her like this before. We had just made it to the base of the South tree and now began the difficult part of lugging the cargo up the stairs. "I would need to find a mate."

I scrunched my face. "Were you not just talking about how you were looking for your perfect match?"

"That's just it! What if I don't find my perfect match??"

I could only scratch my head. "Wouldn't having a whole village to choose from be better than the select few sojourners that venture here?"

She jumped up. "That's what I was thinking!" But then she shrank down. "But what if I still don't find someone? I would have to come back here..."

"I'm sure you will find SOMEONE."

"I don't want to settle!" She crossed her arms and turned her head in a pout. Sigh, oh boy. "And I don't think I would want to do any other role."

But then I remembered, "But isn't Hailstone Priest a sojourner? He doesn't have a mate, and he is allowed to stay." At some point, I had learned this. Apparently, standing alone atop a tree was a hard position to fill.

"That's not even the point, Indigo!" She threw her arm out to the side. "I don't want to end up an old maid! Regardless of whether or not it's an option!"

I was forced to feint back. "Well, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Even still, I think you will be okay. Your chances of finding an 'ideal mate' are greater as a sojourner at any rate."

"I guess so..." She calmed down. "And there is still time."

We finally reached our destination, a pantry of sorts, where we deposited the cargo of nuts we had carried here; they could be used to make hot tasty beverages in the winter, otherwise, people usually just munched on them. That was when Dawn's ears perked up.

"Indigo! Why don't you sojourn with me??"

"...Wait, what?" I was not prepared for this development.

"That way we could support each other, and you could help me like you helped Morning-Sun Hunter!" Dawn had quickly rebounded from her self-doubt.

"I didn't really do anything to help Morning-Sun Hunter..."

"She managed to win the affection of Mesa because of your advice!"

I just stared at her. "Win" implied a chance of failure. If she could just roll up to Mesa and ask him to go steady, without any preamble, that implied no strategy was required. The only reason I imagined she didn't do that in the first place was because it was such a ridiculous notion, it would never have crossed her mind. However, it would be of no use to argue this point with Dawn.

"Regardless, it will be some time before I'm ready for that kind of thing," I said.

"I don't think so, you are already way ahead of the curve. You could probably become an apprentice in anything!"

"...I think you give me too much credit. Also, sojourns are for finding mates, and to that, I can say it will be some time before I am ready to undertake that endeavor." I was still very young, and although members of my species seemed open to settling down young, I was not. Some insecurities died hard, and my lack of confidence with women had survived even my actual death. Considering that my interest in a woman had ultimately led to my premature end, I had my reservations.

"Hmm..." Thinking Dawn scratched her chin. "Well, it wouldn't be for a couple of cycles at least. Maybe you could just have an extended courtship."

"Err..." She wasn't going to let this go, was she? "What about River? You could ask her to go. You have been friends for a long time."

Dawn's pasture slouched. "River is my best friend, but..." It looked like she had some conflicted feelings. "She has no interest in leaving the village."

"Have you asked her?"

"I can tell. River is attached to this place."

"Really?" I would have thought the opposite. She always came off as quite adventurous.

"Well, maybe I'm really attached to this place too," I said evasively while scratching the back of my head nervously.

"It's okay, you don't have to answer now." She had gotten serious all of a sudden. "Just think about it. There are still several cycles at least."

____________________________________________________

I had sought out Dawn's help at the beginning of spring and by around the end of summer, I had achieved notoriety around the village— whether I liked it or not. Thanks to my adaptable skill set—or perhaps because of their lack of adaptability—I became the go-to guy for odd jobs of an unconventional sort. From bed bugs banisher to ground penetrating radar to love guru I had somehow become the guy who could get it done.

I was getting strange requests nearly every day. Some of them were interesting, like digging a well, though that might have been more of my idea—tired of walking to the river. Others were tedious, like trimming leather. In this latter case, I was tapped as a resource for this mundane task because I could do it without any training—cut magic worked very well for this.

Because I felt like there really wasn't anyone else who could help, I couldn't bring myself to turn down these requests—was I always such a yes-man? I was feeling really run down, and to make matters worse, a rumor started going around the village that I was the God of Clear Skies' Chosen, and people were believing it to various extents! The more feats I completed the more people began adopting this bogus idea. The more people started to have this undeserved, and unwanted, faith in me, the more I felt like I couldn't disappoint. It was a vicious cycle.

In response, I started spending more time outside the village, thinking there would be fewer people out there and therefore more time to myself. This was true, but still, they found me. It got me wondering about how I found myself in the upper 20% of the Pareto distribution? I really needed to get away. The issue might not have been the tasks per se, but all the attention that came with it. If it wasn't obvious, I am an introvert at heart.

It was with this in mind, that I started to relieve those good old days of when River and I would go way out, minus River. There I could find some peace and tranquility. After only a day I was addicted. I had resented the fact that I was isolated back in my early former life, and true, that wasn't ideal. Yet I took for granted that in moderation, it was nice. What a new perspective can do for you.

It was during one of these excursions into sweet seclusion that I had what one might call a life-changing event. You know the kind of events that set the course of your life. That's not to say they had to be dramatic. Well, that's not true, they would always be profound to the person who experiences them as life-changing, even if it was mundane by any objective measure. It's all a matter of perspective. In my case, however, it was rather dramatic on any scale.

It all began just before I was about to stop and turn back from a relaxing hike. I had become more adventurous since I started these treks and now no longer relied on the river to return me safely home. As such, I often found myself in new areas. Such was the case with the area I found myself in that day. However, there was something different about this area, something off.

Curious, I naturally ventured further and took in the various shades of green and brown that marked a healthy forest. By any measure, it appeared to be just a normal expanse of forest. But it was not. The forest was more... dead? I acknowledge that this is in direct contradiction to what I just said. Perhaps it would be better to say less alive? Please understand I had lived in a magic forest for so long that it was a jarring realization. Slowly the reality became clear, this was just a normal forest. A standard issue non-magical expanse of greenery, and it grew increasingly so as I ventured further.

Though the trees were still green and there were still birds and other small animals, it didn't have that efflorescent glow I had become accustomed to. I couldn't help but feel like this part of the forest had had its soul sucked out. All things considered, I really should have been more cautious, but I wasn't getting any bad vibes, so I continued.

I couldn't tell you what I was looking for, or what trail I was following, but eventually, I came upon a small clearing. I had come across clearings before, but this one was clearly not natural. There were several indicators. For one, there was clear evidence that there had been trees that were ripped up. Second, there were these strange rods in the ground with what appeared to be crystals sitting atop them. But the most clear indication that something was amiss, must have been the humans bustling about.

At some point, my sense of self-preservation or common sense must have abandoned me, as I felt compelled to investigate further. Sneaking around, I found that they had built a small shed and there were carts and draft animals. Unfortunately, this is where my investigation ended.

Unlike my friend River, I wasn't what you might call, very sneaky. This became apparent to me when a strong hand suddenly and without warning, seized me by the scruff of my neck. I managed to turn to face my assailant, a big broad man with a thick black bushy beard. He looked more amused than anything.

He yelled out something to his companions. Obviously, I didn't understand, and I couldn't infer his intentions by his tone. However, I did know I didn't appreciate being hosted off the ground by my neck. Using fox magic, it was simple enough to break free of his grasp. He wasn't pleased and his face hardened as he aggressively lunged to recapture me. But I wasn't about to let that happen.

Capsaicin wad to the face! I deployed my now battle-tested pepper packet. At this range, it easily hit him square in the face and produced a predictable reaction. He cried out in pain and began to rub his eyes, not realizing that it would only make it worse. Yet, unlike Tree-Sap, he did not start rolling on the ground in agony. I got the feeling that once he could open his eyes up enough to see again, he would be a problem.

However, I now had other problems. Mainly, the entire camp was now descending on me, with weapons drawn. If it wasn't clear before, their intent was now. One of the men started barking what I assumed were orders, and the others began to encircle me. Unfortunately, unlike my compatriots, this was a tactic familiar to them.

Fortunately, I could fly, and I wasted no time doing just that. Unfortunately, they had crossbows and I caught a grazing bolt to the side of the leg once I was about 3 meters off the ground. I fell to the ground, just in time to hear the twang of several more crossbows. Damn, there was no way I could fly away, at least on the ground they couldn't fire those crossbows without possibly hitting one of their allies.

I had no choice, I was going to have to try to force my way past them and make it to the cover of the forest. The problem was that I wasn't just going to be able to shoot through a gap, and these guys were too big to shove. The only thing I could think of was to use cut magic, but I had never used it offensively. Still, I needed to try. Shooting for one of the larger openings, I fired off a slash to his face. And I saw blood. This might work, I thought.

But it was a superficial wound and only managed to really piss him off. And it certainly didn't stop him from bringing his rather sizable ax down on me. This was it... I had gambled all and lost. At least, this time, it would be a manly death.