THREE

I’d never been the type to question my feelings at all…

At that point in my life… I, Akshara Raneesh, had never questioned the nature of my decisions, emotions or actions. Of course, I wasn’t confident and outgoing, so describing me like that would be inaccurate. To be honest, in general, compared to Ravi at least, I’m pretty shy if not shyer. I’m the kind of girl who’d probably be sitting in a corner fiddling with something or keeping myself busy altogether, hoping that someday I could make friends like everyone else, that someday, I can also connect, that someday, someone will come to drag me out of the cage created by my timid nature and insecurities.

When I was in kindergarten, realistically speaking, I had a very small friend group consisting of three to four people whose names and faces I’d forgotten because we hadn’t kept in touch at all since we parted ways. When I pondered over it later on and even now I felt that we were only people dragged into each other’s lives, in the sense that we weren’t really close friends. At some point, they’d all drifted apart, still keeping me in mind but at the same time, discarding me from their field of vision. I’d be left alone again.

My parents told me that it was because of the lack of an outgoing nature— that I’d usually display when I’m around people I know. But the fact is that that kind of nature only would be displayed when you know someone properly. You start to get talkative, and clingy. You start to smile, cry, laugh and get angry without hesitation or worry. In other words, you become comfortable. It’s an amazing feeling you get akin to when you find the right frequency when scanning through the radio for a particular radio station. You begin to act, speak and even think the same things. It’s like you’re tethered to them. It’s like you’ve known each other for a long time and you wish you’d have met sooner. That’s the automatic feeling of bliss when around that person or group of people you’re comfortable with. It’s like wrapping yourself in a woollen blanket during a cold winter night or even, taking your shirt off when it’s too hot.

But the issue arises when you get comfy too quickly. You become blinded by how good they are in your eyes and you fail to notice when they do bad things or outright mistreat you. So when making friends or when yearning for closure, always choose the right people. After all, lightning can strike at unpredictable times, not just once but twice. Heck, I’m sure if the Gods wanted to, they’d hit us as much as they wanted to. But the fact they don’t is either a show of their benevolence or their idea of a cruel practical joke; depending on the situation of course. I guess the only way we can answer that question is to first, verify their existence and then ask them ourselves.

But what happens if you find a release for all the worries aside from the connections and trust you’d given? What happens if you find another key to happiness just one day out of the blue— say, when watching a random TV show? What happens if that key to happiness becomes more than just a key? What happens if that key turns into something that shapes your motivations and sense of purpose or duty? What happens if that key is the only thing that keeps you from losing your sanity and still leading a normal life, still maintaining a facade of normalcy in front of everyone? What if that key made you forget the pain…or much better, channel it into something more positive and healthy?

Everyone has such a key….or in most cases, multiple keys— simple reasons for wanting to move forward and live. I had one too, you know? In between a picture-perfect family with a dysfunctional reality where I’m a scapegoat, a scapegoat that promised to shield my twin sister from them taking out their frustration on me… I picked up that four-stringed instrument in my left hand and bow on the right. The day I heard that duo perform on stage, I remember my innocent self leaping in joy, dancing in an offbeat fashion, swaying to the melody as I hummed Nocturne Op. 9.

After that, I never looked back. I didn’t care that my parents, who weren’t arguing amongst themselves mind you, yelled at me for every little thing, and belittled me every chance they got. As long as I had this… I was not a disappointment.

As long as I held the bow on my hand… As long as I could hear the notes, I was no burden.

I cannot trust anyone, I cannot get close to anyone.

When did I start thinking like that? I’d always wondered…when did I start being afraid? When did the violin mask the truth even from me? The me who thought I was invincible as long as I had it with me…? The me who spent hours reflecting on my actions daily? The me who thought I knew myself best?

The violin… It became my mask…

But at some point, my true feelings started leaking out. After all, a mask was only temporary…

When was it, I wonder? When did it happen…. Hmm…

Aha! It was at that moment…

The moment that belonged to the two of us alone. I wondered why I called out to him in such a way. I don’t know… It was like my arms moved on their own. I wasn’t expecting anything. I was curious, if anything, at least that's what I thought. How was he so free? So nonchalant? So unburdened? How did this little boy named Ravi Manoj look so alive? I wanted to know. I wanted to possess that secret.

I wanted it for myself…

—-

“How does this timing sound?” Ravi asked. I peered into the phone in hand— the one that was his dad’s. “I think it’s much better to surprise him after class with this.”

“Won’t the rest be left out then?” I asked, taking a patch of hair and tying it with a band.

“I mean… The others have already gifted him something. And it’s our turn now so…”

I shrugged. It felt right to show him the efforts of our labour, especially on this particular day.

Ravi sighed, leaning back on his chair. The sounds of instruments playing different pieces chimed down as the hour of classes was about to conclude for the day. Having finished my lessons, I was next to him again. For whatever reason, he flinched every time I inched closer to him. Was he not comfortable? Did he hate me? Did he not like me to begin with?

I shook my head, dismissing those thoughts.

Why am I thinking so hard? So what? I’ve had that happen a lot… But what is this? It’s only been a short time y’know? No way the attachment is this bad…

I was so lost in thought, that I yelped when Ravi tapped on my shoulder.

“Akshara, you okay?”

I nodded my head, readjusting the position of my violin, “Let’s call him here in a bit yeah? Seems it’s over… He’s delivering his complied feedback at the moment so…”

Ravi nodded, listening intently.

“You all mostly have the basics down.” Mr. Mathews’ soft, nasal voice. “Guitars? You’re gonna get some songs with a bit more chords this time… Pianos? I’m gonna train you guys so that your left-handed coordination gets better than it is now… Although some have been practicing so it’s already pretty good.” I swear he’d just intentionally looked at Ravi. He even looked at me for a second before turning his attention back to the rest of the class.

“Akshara? Since you’re the only one in this batch learning violin at the moment, I need some time to prepare for you. Since you had prior training, you are a bit complicated to plan for.”

“What was that supposed to mean?” I muttered softly. But then I felt a nudge on the side of my shoulder. Ravi smiled, “Well, that’s a compliment if I’ve ever heard one.”

I felt my face turn beet red… Compliments always seemed to kill me inside. Ravi only smiled, watching the others finally leave.

“Mr. Mathews?” Ravi called out.

The bald man looked back, readjusting his plain blue shirt. “Anything you need before you practice?”

“Do you have time on your hands?” I asked. I hoped he did. We’d been prepping this for a while now. I watched the man put a finger on his chin as he looked upward, finally looking me in the eyes with a nod.

Ravi smiled, “Perfect…! We’d like to show you the result of our efforts.”

Mr. Mathews raised an eyebrow with a peculiar smile on his face, “Oh really? Sure then.”

—-

I understand now….

I finally understand…

But it shouldn’t have come in such an unpredictable way.

Why’d he have to suffer like this?

Why wasn’t he okay?

It’s his first time but does getting watched knowingly cause such a reaction?

I’d lied to cover for him. We were outside now. It was around 8 at night and the city nights illuminated the moonless sky. Due to the artificial lights, the stars were barely visible. But then again, some would find the hustle of the city and the crowds and the lights as a sign of beauty. But like a particular someone, I also liked the serenity of a village more. It is what it is…

“I... What’s wrong with me?” I heard Ravi mutter, “This has never happened before. Is this a sign? Will things go badly? Did I screw up? Will he not like me for this? Will she not like me? Why do I want her to like me? I don’t care. I-”

I realised it then. As my body moved on its own again… Clasping his hands, bringing him out of his negative trance-like spiral of thoughts. I saw his eyes… He looked at me. Finally, he looked me in the eyes. His downcast eyes finally looked at me! But…

Why did he look so afraid? What was the cause of his fear? His hands and playing were always so steady but why were his hands shaking like this? Like he’d been-

Ah…

I think I know the reasons behind my actions now…

I think... I wanted that light; to bask under it. I think I’d been stuck underneath the shadow for so long that I forgot what the light felt like.

Yes, that’s it! Envy…

It was a pathetic reason but a reason nonetheless.

It was for that reason that we ended up the way we did, sitting next to each other, and sharing a pair of wired earphones. His arms shook all the time. It was almost like he transferred the shakiness to his arms. He was so frail…so vulnerable…

Why was it the case?

“Deep breaths, Ravi…. Okay?”

The boy nodded, taking slow deep breaths until he sat on the road, tired.

“Akshara… How can you play without fear of screwing everything up? How are so free when you play? What can’t I be free too?”

Now that was a startling question. I shook my head and scratched it like a monkey, unsure of my response… But then I found myself taking a deep breath.

“You know… I live by this motto... Don’t worry about what has happened because you’ve learned from it. Don’t think about the possibilities because they’re endless and uncertain and that’d not be good for your health. Live in the present because it is the one moment we can see and feel and touch and think.”

I clasped his hands tighter… Once, twice, thrice I pressed it hard, breathing slowly while nodding my head. “Breathe, Ravi…slowly…”

As he took those breaths, I saw a part of him that was struggling to escape from the negative illusion created by his mind…

A child that wanted a lot but never got anything…

"But what if I mess up? What if he'd hate it? What if...you'd hate me?"

A child that yearned for a connection but was left only yearning…

A child wanting an escape but he knew he never could…

"Then you...no, we'd try again. We'd try and try and eventually, we'd get it."

"But... But you won't want me anymore if I screw up... You'd want someone better, someone, who'd let you reach the height you've always wanted... To perform."

My mouth widened in shock. No way he was burdened with it...

Why did he misunderstand? Why wasn't I clear with my actions? Am I really that stupid?

"Ravi... I am here, not because of my dream but because you're you. Just remember that. I'm not good at cheering people up. But all I know is that I value your presence... If that changes anything. And you haven't done anything to hurt me either. In fact, quite the opposite. If I hadn't met you, I'd be a totally different person. You've changed me for the better...and I know you're gonna be better too. But you have to take this step... Please..."

And then…unknowingly, my arms reached out, wrapping him in a soft embrace. My arms shook from these unfamiliar sorts of actions. Why was I doing this? Why was my mind and heart compelling me to go through with this much closure? But I felt my body press against his, tightening the embrace, feeling him calm down, his hands slowly relaxing and hugging me back. That small moment of physical connection, the warmth he radiated…it calmed me. It was like a warm fireplace on a winter night, just there when you want it to be and never not keeping you warm. We sat that way until he pulled away.

"I'm sorry... I shouldn't have done all that."

Why was he apologising? Why did he think he did something wrong? It’s been a thing of his all the time, it made me feel a lot of things. It made me want to punch him and hug him after that. It pained me but at the same time, I understood the feeling. For some reason, it killed me to hear him talk like that a lot… Was it because I was feeling sympathetic or was it because he was a mirror image? Even when he stared at his arms as if he didn’t believe he just did that, I asked myself if he never had someone tell him things will be fine or…someone to lean on when things got tough.

It was saddening.

I know how it felt.

I took his hand with a smile, “Hey hey… Stage fear is normal, you know? I get the jitters too every now and then.”

“You do…?” he asked. Ravi…this boy sounded like a kid who was hearing something unbelievable for the first time. His eyes had both wonder and confusion written in it.

I nod my head, “Yeah… So just…think about what’s there in this moment that makes you happy…okay? I think that would work for you. It worked for me.”

He fidgeted with his hands again, similar to me when I got flustered or nervous. I laughed under my breath.

“Something that makes me feel good…huh..” he said, listlessly, “I don’t… I don’t know… At this moment… I think this moment…you are that person…”

Wait did I hear that right? That was a weird statement. And the first time I heard that kind of thing said about me. I widened my eyes but then my lips widened and curled into a grin. “W-well…” I respond, playing with my hair with a red face, “That works… Besides… I felt that way about you too... Having a friend like you…”

A friend huh… We’re friends… Of course! This is normal…friends are supposed to be this way…

His eyes widened but his face reflected a calm, yet happy smile.

“Thank you, Akshara… For being here.”

I flick his forehead playfully, watching him rub it with a playful smile, “Don’t thank me, idiot… That’s what friends are for…”

Friends huh… That…

That doesn’t sound bad at all…

I felt myself chuckle, ruffling his hair. The life in his eyes seemed to flicker again. As I tightly, yet unnoticingly, clasped his hand tight, it stopped shaking even more, gradually returning my clasp with the same energy. And soon enough, we led each other back into the room... To put on our first pseudo-public performances that started it all.