Chapter 30:

Anyway, Anyhow, Anywhere

Robot Catgirls Philosophizing on the Moon!

An hour or so later, an android and a short, pudgy woman showed up to the entrance of the shopping center. They both wore the same blue slacks, same white shirt, and same navy cap, despite one of them being only vaguely human-looking with his bipedal, silver squareness. He was the one to enter the building first since, in case of 'death', they could just reassemble him. "Hands in the air!" The robot cried.

Twelve gangsters, Asaba, Shigure, Stella, and half a dozen customers or so turned to look at him. They'd gathered tables and chairs from closed, nearby shops, forming a circle at the center of the main hall. Boxes of ingredients lay scattered around them. "Hello," greeted Stella. "We're making peach pie. Would you like to join?"

The human half of the duo walked in. "What the... Takashi, didn't you say someone reported a fight?"

"Yes," replied Takashi, the robot. "They did. Right in this location."

"There are no fights," said the leader of the mafia. "Only pie."

"Make pie, not war," Asaba reminded.

"There are enough supplies for everyone," Stella assured.

Takashi and his human co-worker exchanged glances.

Irina emerged from one of the shops to the left, initially intended to be an ice cream parlor, or so she'd said. Unfortunately, a fast food chain of interplanetary magnitude had opened right across the street, siphoning her clientele (or so she'd said). "The fridge is officially working again!" She said. "Whoever finishes their dough can put it in there. Don't forget to label it once you wrap it in... oh, hello, officers...?"

The human policeman and her robot co-worker exchanged concerned glances.

Then the latter asked, "Is everything all right?"

"Everything is," said the mafia boss. "Nothing is."

Then the former asked, "Is this a joke?"

But it wasn't.

Shigure, who had been been playing on his phone instead of participating, said, "Just sit down, you dumb fucks," which stirred chaos. Noticing the dirty looks, he added, "Right. Love and peace. Xoxo."

"Is that..." Takashi trailed off.

"...Fuyukawa?" the human cop finished.

Shigure tilted his chair back to wave at them.

The two cops exchanged concerned, disturbed, baffled, or aroused glances. It was hard to tell. Then the human cop frowned. "Do we call reinforcements?"

"Make pie, not war."

"Unsure," Takashi responded. "I've never felt more unsafe in my life."

Stella did not understand. Then again, neither did they. That was fine. She had the power of communication on her side now. "Do join us," she said. "I will explain everything. Husband, dearest, since you CRUELLY REFUSE to accept my cooking lessons, would you be so kind as to bring beverages for the newcomers?"

"On it, love." Shigure stood up. To be fair, he had tried to bake, too, but when one of the gangsters asked him for an ingredient, Shigure absentmindedly tossed it at the guy, which would've been fine on Earth, but this wasn't Earth, so the poor gangster ended up with a red nose and butter splatters on his shirt, which almost lead to a second confrontation since Shigure did that thing where he apologized sincerely at first but someone in Venus farted too loud so he got angry and his remarks got progressively more passive-aggressive, culminating with him and roughly half dozen gangsters standing up, only for Asaba to burst out giggling.

And how had they reacted? Not the way humans would've during the war, that was for sure; they'd stopped. In fact, Shigure had almost looked embarrassed. He'd avoided eye contact with Stella, glued to his phone, and only spoke again once the cops showed up.

But that was then, and this was now. As Shigure headed to the (empty) teahouse from which resources were being shamelessly exploited, the human cop leered at him, cross-armed. Upon noticing this, Takashi mimicked her. "What do we do?" He asked. "They don't seem hostile, just unhinged."

"I don't know what's going on," she replied, "but if he's involved, it's his fault."

"Then?"

"Hanaaa," said Asaba, "Just sit down. I'll explain."

Hana the cop jumped. "What the—HE'S also here!?" Takashi also jumped.

"As am I," said the mafia leader.

She froze. Takashi mimicked her (down to her exact pose). (Even robots needed urgent psychological care sometimes.) By this point, Irina and a couple of gangsters had come and gone with more ingredients. Some people had wanted to bake pies for their families as well, and Irina had said yes, so there was a lot left to do. Thankfully, at least SOMEONE remembered this, and that someone was her. "I'll just briefly summarize what happened," she said.

The summary in question:

So basically, there was a big misunderstanding between those two and these gentlemen here. By those two, I mean the feline type android here and her lawyer husb... no? He's not a lawyer? Then why does he dress like that? Don't lawyers dress like they're going to funerals? Right, sorry, so they stayed at a hotel owned by these guys, and they broke the bed.

Obviously, my entrepreneur ACQUAINTANCES were angry, so they trailed after these two, who didn't realize they'd broken the bed. That stuff just happens sometimes, you know. They also tore their clothes, which is why they came here. Think about it. It makes perfect sense.

Asaba and I happen to be their neighbors, and Asaba happens to be, uh, business partners with these gentlemen, so he tried to act as a mediator... but it was no use. This led to a confrontation at the parking lot, which is when you guys probably got the report. It wasn't a violent one, though. No one got hurt.

You see, all they needed was to talk things out on their own, without a middleman. The couple will pay for damages, the entrepreneurs will get their, uh, supplies back, and now they're baking pies to show how everyone involved learned from the experience. And then everyone lived happily ever after.

Obviating the nuclear threats, sleeping gas and one of Stella's ears falling off (one of the customers had screwed it back), it was a relatively accurate summary. Stella didn't even realize she'd broken the bed, though...

Shigure returned with a tray. "I forgot to ask if anyone else wanted more tea," he said, "so I brought like a dozen of... you guys are still there? Just sit down, for fuck's—xoxo." He handed both of them a cup, but only Takashi took it. Could he drink?

Apparently so: the glowing bar he had for a 'mouth' opened, and he tilted the cup to his 'lips'. If this hadn't implied that he urinated, Stella might've almost felt... what? Why did her chest feel tight all of a sudden?

Not waiting for Hana to take her cup, Shigure moved on; a couple of customers and a few of the gangsters took a second cup of tea. Irina did, too. Stella did not, because she could not. Silly. Why would anyone design a robot with the ability to eat? Silly...

"Is it poisoned?" Hana asked him.

"Not as far as I can tell. She seems to be telling the truth."

"We both know she's not."

"I think she is," Takashi said. "I think it's better than the alternative."

But Hana wanted violence. "I... fine. I know it's bullshit, but fine. Fine." At last, she took a seat, which meant that Takashi followed. "I miss when interesting things happened in this town."

Kind of a deranged thing for a cop to think, but Stella digressed. She'd never seen someone punch butter, flour, sugar and salt together so violently. It wouldn't surprise her at all to learn that Hana the cop also used to be a criminal. As if on cue, Irina said, "If you're an adrenaline junkie, Stella's hubby—"

Asaba hurled a piece of dough at her.

"I'm not," Hana the cop lied. "Those days are long since gone. It's just... there's nothing to do anymore. I'm paid to be a relic."

Takashi was shaking his head, but when Hana glanced at him, he nodded.

One of the customers asked, "Isn't that a good thing?"

Robots, humans, gangsters and a cop, a seller and customers turned to look at Hana. Still, she did not respond.

Asaba was the one to break the silence. "I think it is. Don't you guys agree?"

Some did.

Shigure was not one of them.