Chapter 17: Aftermath/Shikata Ga Nai Revisited

Hana’s eyes opened to quiet beeping. Stale white light bleached the unfamiliar room in which she lay. Quiet beeps and pumps chimed around her. Cabling and tubes ran across her chest and face. Consciousness returned in a slow haze as she tried to gain her bearings. As her head heavily turned to her left, she saw Shreve sitting in a chair beside her.

“Shreve!” she croaked, her throat dry and tender.

He sat with a start and turned to her with gentle swiftness.

Hana felt tears form and run down her face.

“You’re alive. Oh gods, oh oblivion, you’re alive,” she cried as she moved to sit upright.

His hands stopped her.

“I’m here, I’m here. You’re here. You’re okay,” he whispered.

The words were calming, and his tone betrayed a hint of nervousness.

“Katya? Katya?!” he called to the door.

“I thought I was never going to see you again!” cried Hana, feeling weak.

Near purple bags under Shreve’s eyes told her that he had not slept in some time. Her arm lifted to touch his exhausted face. As her arm lifted, Shreve’s eyes widened slightly with a nervous hesitation, but he did not pull away from her. His fingers stayed on her shoulders. Then Hana saw it. Her arm was not complete.

The arm she extended to him was bandaged and braced in synthetic wraps. Her right wrist and hand were gone. Confusion and shock flooded her body with adrenaline.

“Katya!” Shreve called once more as the beeps intensified.

“What’s happening? What happened to me?!” cried out Hana in a trembling panic.

“Hana I need you to breathe. I need you to breathe,” said Shreve, never breaking eye contact.

Hana tried to shake him off of her as though trying to shake off a bad dream.

“Wake up! Wake up!!” she commanded herself, but she was already awake.

Katya entered the room with a hydration pouch and medical syringes.

“Hana, Hana, it’s Katya. It’s Katya, listen to my voice,” said her friend as she brushed Hana’s hair out of her eyes.

Shreve moved out of the way and stood in the corner as a medical automaton joined Katya.

“You were injured in the Carrington event,” stated Katya.

“We did what we could, but your wrist and hand were completely crushed. We had to amputate to avoid compartment syndrome.”

Hana quietly wept.

“No, no, no, no,’ she cried in a broken whisper.

All she could do was fall back to sleep and hope she awoke in a different nightmare. But the nightmare did not change when she opened her eyes the next day. Shreve was still there, along with Lux, Burgess, and Jax. Her arm still stopped several inches above her wrist and was still wrapped in pulsing, glowing synthetic healing bands. Hana wanted to rip all of it off her skin but resigned herself to lay there.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Words were scarce. No one moved except to excuse themselves or retrieve food. Supportive hands were placed on shoulders and backs as firmament for one another in the place of spoken dialogue. Through it all, Hana would occasionally feel Shreve’s metallic hands gently rest on her tired, frail arm.

Days passed, and finally, she was ready to move. Another minute in that medical bed felt like it might turn her fully paralyzed, so Hana set up with a jolt. Shreve awoke and bolted upright beside her.

“I’d like to walk,” whispered Hana.

“Do you want me to join you?” he asked.

“I think I need to walk alone for a moment,” she answered.

He nodded in understanding but hesitated.

“You may not know your way around, so be careful.”

“What do you mean?” asked Hana. Her room did not have a window, and she had not left that small enclosure since awakening.

“We are not on 1117,” answered Shreve.

“What? Where are we? What happened?” asked Hana.

A creeping sensation of her soul being unmoored made Hana’s skin begin to crawl.

“We are at the main colony, four thousand kilometers from Outpost 1117. We’ll be here for a few weeks while repairs are completed.”

Being away from the familiar streets, the common vendors, the distinct rock formations, and Shinrin-Yoku was not what Hana wanted or needed. But it seemed it was beyond her control. She breathed in slowly to calm her racing heart, but when her phantom hand raised to press itself on her chest and wasn’t there, panic ruptured like a broken dam. Tears fell harder than they had in years.

Shreve held her hand in silence as she wept.

“Will we get to go back?” she asked.

“I’m not ready to leave it yet.”

“Yes. It will be repaired. We will return. You will return.”

Hana wiped her eyes with her non-dominant hand and resigned herself to get up regardless.

“Please walk with me then,” she asked.

Leg muscles tensed for the first time in days as she stood with unsteady resolve. Shreve’s hands took her waist and left hand to help her gain her footing. Standing there holding his hand, Hana felt a longing to not leave his side, but also felt an unfamiliar hint of nothingness in her heart. Pain had closed her off to the world for the time being.

Still, he felt safe and gentle, and the memories of everything they had already shared made Hana realize she needed him. As she looked into his nearly-dead eyes and at his nearly-shattered body, she felt he might need her as well. A simple metal cane was picked up and Shreve awkwardly shifted his weight onto his leg. It was an unpleasant motion, as Shreve’s right arm was seemingly useless now, hanging in a sling with broken rhythmic whirs weakly crying out as he shifted his shoulder.

“Your arm… Your leg… What happened?”

‘Arm can be replaced. Control beams and inner frame all cracked in the punch. And the knee was chipped when a shard hit me. Katya will get me taken care of.”

“Will you be okay?”

“I’ll be fine. I’ve come back from worse,” he grinned with a tired smile as they exited the room.

Footsteps were soft and strides were short. It took all of Hana’s effort to shuffle forward at a slow drift. Metallic clicks from Shreve’s cane landing on the flooring echoed down the halls as they slowly limped in quiet solitude.

Hana found herself touching the stump of her arm in reflection.

“If you want, when you’re ready, I can take you to a shop to be fitted for a bionic. If you want. I am not trying to pressure you. Take all the time you need,” said Shreve.

Hana knew it was a kind and sincere offer. If there was anyone who understood her grief in that moment, it was the man beside her who had known loss as much as gain during his existence.

“I am not ready yet, but I would like to do that with you,” she replied.

Sleep came heavy and abrupt. Even with half the day being spent unconscious, Hana felt as though rest evaded her. After enough time had passed, the synthetic wraps were removed and Hana saw the stitched-together remnant of her arm. What had once been pale and smooth was now purpled with bruising and sewn together in a simple star pattern. Hana’s first feeling was repulsion.

One day, E’twobe and Lunara arrived with solemn looks on their faces.

“What’s wrong?’ asked Hana.

“We need to talk with you,” answered Lunara.

E’twobe inhaled slowly.

“I’ve… I’ve canceled my contract,” she whispered.

“I’m returning to Earth. I’ve never known fear like that, even during The Fall. And I fear I can’t return rockside. So I’m going home to work on a regenerative farm.”

Her voice was stern, as though she was absolutely certain in her decision. Hana did not try to fight her and instead extended her left hand. Their skin met.

“You looked very good undressed,” said Hana in a first attempt at a joke.

It caught E’twobe off guard and they both laughed as they wiped their eyes.

“You did too. Maybe I’ll return one day just so I can see that flat stomach of yours again,” said E’twobe as she kissed Hana on the head and bowed.

“May the stars shine over you always,” she said to Hana.

“And may the sun always rise to greet you,” Hana replied.

E’twobe took her leave and exited the room. Hana sensed what was coming from Lunara.

“What about you?” she asked as Lunara fumbled with her shawl.

“On the Rocks was crushed by falling bracing. I took that as a sign that my time on 1117 was done.”

Hana’s heart rate elevated as Lunara picked up the small container she’d brought with her. As she opened the lid, Hana could hear the scrapes of broken ceramic shards as they fell against one another. Inside the container were the shattered remnants of her prized teapot.

“Oh no,” whimpered Hana as tears fell down her cheeks again.

“Shinrin-Yoku only sustained moderate damage, but the tremors caused many of your effects to be destroyed. I am very sorry,” said Lunara.

Hana took the container in her hand and arm and let her tears land on the ceramic pieces.

“I’m not returning to Earth. I’m staying here on the colony instead of the outposts. They have several spots for bars and cantinas here, over a million residents, and it’s not too hard to make it to and from 1117…” said Lunara.

Hana nodded in acceptance.

“I’ll see you again,” she said to Lunara.

“You still have to join me and Sheve,” she tried to joke.

Lunara laughed and wiped her eyes.

“Yeah, after watching that man defeat a meteor in solo combat, I need to have him in my bed again. And I need to have you at least once. You’re too cute and petite for me to only ever look at you from afar,” laughed Lunara.

Before Hana knew what was happening, their lips were together in a soft embrace.

“Been wanting to do that,” grinned Lunara.

“Me too,” smiled Hana.

“Thank you for salvaging my tea pot. I can repair it.”

“Good luck out there. Come back to the colony one day when I have my new shop open.”

“Deal,” answered Hana.

There were ways to repair the teapot, but Hana was not ready to think of that yet. Outpost updates told them that 1117 was still only sixty percent operational, and a few more weeks were needed. Hana moved from the trauma center to a rehabilitation room, and Burgess offered to stay with her for a week to help her settle into the new space. Neither of them liked to sleep alone so a single bed was enough. Burgess’s friendly comfort and pleasant scent helped put Hana at ease during those nights. Rest still evaded her.

When she was finally ready, after nearly forty days of listless consciousness and empty sleep, Hana asked Shreve to take her to a bionics shop. His arm was removed by that point, so he arrived to meet her with his right sleeve tied in a knot at the shoulder. His leg was not any better, but his skin looked healthier than it had for some time.

“Still not sleeping?” he asked.

“No, but I brushed my hair for the first time in two weeks. So that’s a victory,” said Hana.

“Take what you can get. You look very nice. Your color is returning,” he responded.

“Yours as well,” she said.

“New moisturizer. I went shopping with Burgess and Katya,” he grinned.

Metal limbs hung in minimalist displays as digital descriptions scrolled beside them. Some were covered in synthetic skin that could color-match the user’s body, thus becoming almost realistic to actual limbs. Some were carbon fiber and sleek. Others were brutalist hulking work tools, with large pylons and pistons attached to help with superhuman lifting requirements. Hana found herself drawn to a rose-gold display of arms and legs.

Feminine lines curved along the forearm and wrist of the display unit. Pearl lights glowed like veins along the seam lines. It was near realistic in shape and was described as ‘daily-use’. Hana decided that was it and asked the clerk to assist her. Shreve searched for worker's arms and soon found himself with multiple options. His shoulder servos were thankfully intact, and the mounting brackets still functioned. Hana watched as he casually attached different test units to his shoulder to inspect their sensation and functionality.

“Shreve, what do you think of this one?” she asked as she pointed with her stump.

She wanted his opinion but also felt herself wanting to stay close to him.

“That’s very pretty. Is that copper?”

“Rose gold. It’s girlie, I like it!” Hana said in genuine excitement.

Hana briefly held out her arms to shimmy her shoulders in the spark of happiness but as she went to extend her fingers in their ceremonial wiggle, only one hand was there. The swift reminder of her situation gave her pause, and it took a great effort to stave off the sting of tears that began to rise.

“Would you like to try it on?” asked the clerk.

Realizing this was to be a moment that solidified her hand was truly gone, Hana allowed the flash of grief to exist as she nodded and held out her stump.

“Rose gold coating on a polymer hybrid exo layer. Micromachine gear structure. Limited maintenance, average strength, one hundred days per charge,” said the clerk as he slipped the bionic onto her extended arm.

The memory foam edges that lined the entry socket were soft and comfortable. Hannah’s arm slid into the encasement with ease, then was tethered in place by small pressurized bags. She felt the feedback system rise up to meet the end of her arm and wrap itself around the skin like a glove. Shreve joined her and took the contact chip from the clerk.

“These are much smaller and more reliable than they used to be. It goes on your neck to connect to your nervous system. It doesn’t hurt, it’s waterproof, and you can take it off whenever you want.”

“Okay. Does it fall off easily?” Hana asked.

“No, the new bonding agent is very durable and lasts for up to seven years,” replied the clerk.

Shreve gently brushed Hana’s hair over her shoulder to expose her neck.

“Ready?” he asked.

Hana closed her eyes and tried to accept this new phase. After a pause, she accepted everything.

‘Shikata ga nai,’ she thought to herself.

In the face of tragedy, she knew she could either be consumed by it, or accept that it had happened and work towards healing.

“I’m ready,” she answered.

Adhesive touched her skin and the pen-point-sized contact ship was activated. The pearl lights on her hand brightened and pulsed in a sensual glow. The fingers moved. Thoughts and metal synced and the hand became a part of her.

“How does it feel?” asked Shreve.

She was crying. He stopped and knelt beside her.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. It’s okay. Do you want to take it off?” he asked.

Hana shook her head. Synapses fired and the chip received the message. Metal lifted up and the hybrid compound fingers found Shreve’s face and gently touched his lips. To Hana’s surprise and gracious relief, her brain received the signal and she ‘felt’ his lips against the foreign fingertips. Soft and wet. Full and parted. Warm. His breath was slow and grazed along the edges of her knuckles. It felt real.

“It feels good,” whispered Hana.

Katya, Jax, Lux, and Burgess met them for lunch that day. Excited cheers and honest inquisition fueled the entirety of their discussion as the group poured over Hana’s new accessory. Laughter echoed through the hall as the six of them reflected on recent updates and Jax’s newest food offerings. Shreve purchased an obscene amount of deserts and they all indulged themselves to the point of sickness.

Katya, Burgess, and Hana found themselves crying from laughing as they watched the boys feed one another in honest excitement over newly discovered treats. Rounds of drinks were ordered, but Hana could not bring herself to order tea, instead settling on ginger beer. Shreve noticed but did not say anything.

Hours passed and the conversation never ended for even a second. An appreciation of existence seemed to drench them all, and they basked in every millisecond of happiness between them. Through it all, Hana noticed her longing for Shreve mixing with the unfamiliar new weight in her essence. Words and deeds from him reached her heart but seemed to be filtered by some sort of block. After some time, the others stepped away to find new things to consume.

Hana and Shreve made their way to the enormous observation window. Distant stars twinkled like jewels and hundreds of ships moved across the sky. The colony’s enormous white metal rings circled around them in silent power.

“I wanted to thank you for all that you did. You saved so many that day,” said Hana.

“Did you think you were going to die?” she asked.

It was a question she’d been wondering ever since.

“I think I died long ago. I am what is left. If I’d ceased to exist in that moment at the expense of saving others, especially you, it would have been worth it.”

“Thank you, but I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I am very grateful you are still here,” she said.

“I am as well.”

His new metallic blue fingers found hers. She did not resist, but the distance in her chest seemed to make its way to her hand, even though her essence called out for his. It confused her.

“Shreve, I… I don’t know what I am feeling anymore…” she admitted.

He was not scared or concerned but merely listened.

“I find myself wanting only you, but feeling like I am not whole. Like I am still broken like my teapot, and I have not yet put the pieces back in place. I fear I cannot give myself to you properly in this state, and I don’t want to ask you to wait for me until then. That would not be fair,” she said.

Tears were running down her face once more. His eyes were dark but welcoming. Her tears were wiped away.

“I am not so bold as to try to claim someone as complex as you to myself,” he whispered.

“I am grateful for whatever you have capacity to give me. And I will be your friend first and foremost. I will help you mend those broken pieces. Whatever is in your heart towards me after that, I will be forever grateful for it.”

She cried more as he spoke, relieved he understood and touched by his patience.

“You understand?” she asked.

He nodded.

“And, what if I did want you to claim me? Even if I am complex?” she asked.

“Then I would be yours as long as you would have me. I would learn every curve and secret of you. I would make sure you were happy for all your days, which would be full of joy, pleasure, and peace. I would be your friend and your lover. I would be yours. When you are ready.”

Soon the others returned with more food and drink. The laughter returned and Hana found her gaze staying on Shreve as her left hand caressed the metal of her right hand.

Longing for Colony Outpost 1117 seeped into her thoughts as she looked around at the unfamiliar common area. Longing for Shinrin-Yoku. Longing for those narrow streets of metallic arches and simple doors. Longing for the glow of neon bouncing off the clear windows full of stars. Longing for the feeling of home that had evaded her for all her life until then. Hana hoped it would not be much longer before that longing was fulfilled. In her heart, she knew that one day she would be ready for another bowl of tea there among the stars, even if not yet. The thought brought her joy.