Imposter Syndrome

Mayu refocused on her core bond with Luma. This was the bond that gleamed with unfaltering support. Luma did not make much noise, but she was always physically close and attuned to Mayu’s emotions, such as this morning when she could feel Mayu having a nightmare and helped her wake from it.

Mayu used to struggle even more with the conflicts depicted in that dream. These were conflicts Mayu had with herself, as someone granted the opportunity to become who she wanted to be, while also navigating how to grow into the role. Mayu had always struggled to be outspoken growing up. Her grandmother was sweet and understanding, but Mayu had lost both of her parents. It was unknown what had happened to them.

Mayu’s grandmother was not related to her but was her one unfaltering caregiver throughout her life, providing her with stability, wisdom, and comfort. As a child, Mayu would sometimes ask questions about why the other children had parents and she had one grandma. Her grandmother handled this direct question with care, though later Mayu would learn it was somewhat painful for her grandmother.

Grandmother did not know the past or why Mayu was brought to the orphanage. She only knew that she was to provide her with the stability she needed to flourish into a person who understood kindness at a deep level. Grandmother understood firsthand the feelings of inadequacy and questioned if being a sole caregiver was selfish of her. She took Mayu outside but was always protective of her.

This is where Mayu now understood her grandmother on a deeper level. She thought to herself, “How do you know you are fulfilling a need completely? How can you be a perfect support while also a teacher? How can you steer someone in the right direction without pushing them or injuring their internal sense of knowing?”

Mayu often struggled with imposter syndrome, especially during her first two years in her technician role. She started to overcome it, but there were always lingering doubts, such as in her recent dream. Mayu sometimes also struggled to not feel solely responsible for how each bond turned out. This is where Luma came in; she was always teaching her to have faith in herself, showering Mayu with emotional closeness and physical affection.

Mayu was petting Luma gently as she spoke to her about remembering their first moments together and the ways in which Luma changed Mayu’s life. That resistance she felt to holding onto her intuition and allowing herself to be guided by her own perceptions, knowledge, and experience in the field of bond-strengthening.

Mayu picked up Luma’s comb, caring for her coat during weekend evenings as she often did. Mayu turned on their favorite broadcast of anime on the S-Cast network, a series about the comedic relationships between familiars and humans, often laughing at the humans’ behavior and how the familiars would attune to it.

Mayu thanked Luma quietly, “Thank you for this morning. It’s been a while since I had a dream like that.” Mayu’s eyes glazed over as she began to feel peacefully dreamy, allowing herself to slide her face onto the cushioned sofa as she acquired a more comfortable position. Luma covered her with a blanket and curled in the space between her bent legs and her stomach.

Luma purred gently, watching the show and hearing Mayu’s sleeping sighs. Luma’s coat was shiny, freshly brushed. She waited several hours before nudging Mayu and beckoning her to brush her teeth and continue her rest in bed.

Mayu finished brushing her teeth but felt a bit nervous about sleeping in bed as she associated it with the dream she had the night before. She dreaded having another anxiety nightmare. Luma swayed her tail against Mayu’s cell that sat on her lamp desk. Mayu nodded, opening her contacts and scrolling to her grandma’s number.

The phone rang four times. Mayu waited.

The call picked up. “Grandma?” Mayu asked. “Oh, sweetheart, it’s great to hear your voice. How’s my precious little Mayu doing?” Grandma asked. “I was thinking of the past today. I wanted to thank you for everything and for being there for me even when sometimes it’s hard to…”

Mayu continued, “…Now that I’m an adult and in the position of my dreams, sometimes I wonder how you did it all with such grace.”

“Everyone has their doubts,” started Grandma. “That too is an important part of being a good support. Without the space to be attentive to the one we support, say if we came at everything believing we had the answer before observing it from a place of curiosity, we would never be able to support at the same level of depth. That requires such attunement.”

“Yes, I guess so. There’s a strength in accepting uncertainty to become open to receiving each task, willing to restructure and move to fit, waiting for the perfect moment to appear,” Mayu responded. “I love you, Grandma. Thank you for taking me that day to receive Luma and for everything you did to raise me,” Mayu said.

“Silly girl,” Grandma teased. “We all benefit from the family we share.”