Regret

“Very interesting lock! Haven’t seen this type since I did a jaunt in the northern islands, back when they belonged to us.” I was trying not to be impatient, but apparently these manacles were so interesting that the locksmith had called over his wife and his apprentice to look at them. It had been seven flights of stairs, a jump through a waterfall, and an additional hike to make it to this hut.

At least they had food. I was on my fourth bowl of stew, and even the goddess herself had eaten two. “Speak not of these mortal follies,” she said. She yanked her manacles away. “Can you remove them or not? I tire of this realm.”

“Why did you come here in the first place, if you didn’t want to stay? Seems like you made your own bed and you don’t like the way the sheets are folded,” said the old woman. She clucked her tongue and yanked Teuthida’s arm back towards her.

“There were some political disagreements in the capital,” muttered Teuthida. “I thought to be impressive. To show my might. They would have been so impressed, had I shown the truth of my power. But, well…”

“When did you get like… this, exactly?” I realized I had been assuming they had captured her in the temple. It made the most sense, after all. Why would she be in such an easy place to keep captured unless that was where they had manacled her?

“I was preparing for my speech,” she said. “That… woman. The blonde horrible one. She said she wanted to ask me some questions for the newspaper, and then when she shook my hand she put the manacles on me!”

“And then she… took you to your own temple?”

“Of course not! I hit her over the head with a vase and ran.”

Suddenly the job from my ex-husband made a little more sense. All of those threats the Voice of Teuthida had been making. They had been real. It just turned out someone else had been paying more attention than me.

Was I really feeling it? Regret that I hadn’t taken that job from the church of the beetle?

No. It had to be heartburn. I thumped my chest a little.

Herminius still hadn’t woken up, even after thumping over all those stairs. We’d tucked him onto one of their chairs and put a drink into his hand in case that helped. His eyes were still firmly closed. I tried to reassure myself that his breathing was even, but it didn’t help much.

Durandus the first had gone outside for a smoke twenty minutes ago and hadn’t come back in. I was fairly sure he was running, but I wasn’t too concerned about it.

“Duran,” I said. “Why don’t you go offer your father a bowl of stew?”

He perked up at that. He’d been moping at the window. Apparently he hadn’t been heroic enough, and waiting for manacles to be unlocked was boring. “As you demand, honorable Paladin!”

“You can still call me madame Elysia,” I said, but it was too late. He was already outside. I could see Durandus the First trying to trot away, but he had no chance of outrunning Duran. The taxes were as good as out of our hands.

All that was left were the manacles. I turned back to watch as the locksmith muttered something under his breath, fumbling in the lock. With a click, there was a flash of light. A moment later, he was holding both sides of the manacles. Teuthida flexed her hands.

“My thanks, mortal,” she said. “I am glad to be gone from this realm.”

She coughed once, then twice. I was reminded of a cat trying to remove a hairball. Then she blinked, and when she re-opened her eyes, they were a calm brown again.

“That was horrible,” said the Voice of Teuthida. “She was there for so long. And they took my blood! For those- those-”

On second thought, maybe I preferred Duran. I stood up. “I’m going for a smoke,” I said.

“But you don’t-”

“A smoke,” I said.

~*~

Avitus and Aelius, Lawyers at Large, were just as irritating months later. They stood stiffly at the entrance to the one horse inn. I folded my arms and stared down at them from the window. “Well? Go greet them.”

“It’s just- well, I don’t acknowledge the existance of this country, anyway,” said Durandus the first. “You know, who elected them? I certainly didn’t.”

“You aren’t nobility,” I said. “You don’t get a vote. That doesn’t mean you don’t get taxed.”

“You see?” He spread his arms out. “My point.”

“You don’t have a point. If you don’t pay the taxes, they’ll claim the one horse inn.”

“How? By force? If I don’t acknowledge the existance-”

“They can call in the guard, and the guard has big swords,” I said. “But none of that matters, because it’s in the future. Right now, I have a big sword, and I’m right here. And I will stab you with it, because I know you have the money to pay, and I’m not going to let you worm out of this and make it Duran’s problem.”

He gulped. “You wouldn’t stab me.”

“Would I?”

We both stared down at Avitus and Aelius again. One of them was retying their horse to the post. The other was checking his watch.

“Maybe I’ll see if there are any payment plans,” he offered. “You know, just in case-”

“You do that,” I said, hand on the hilt. “Fast.”

As I stared down, Duran stepped outside and greeted them. A few moments later, Durandus the first stepped out. Just beyond, I could see Apis, feeding the bees. It was like no time had passed at all, if I didn’t pay attention to the clouds and the hint of snow on the horizon. If we didn’t move south fast, we’d get trapped by the snow up here.

One is back. That leaves two to go.

I’m trying to have a nice moment. Is this really the time to jump in?

I’m a goddess, said Andrena. I can jump in where I like.

My hand was on the hilt, and she was using some of her power to appear physically, too. A shimmering vision of her was sitting on the windowsill. This time, she was more mortal. Her antlers only spiralled up to gently tap at the ceiling, and her crown of bees was only mildly dizzying.

I think it went rather well last time. But next time, I think you’ll need to go north, she said. I sense a presence there. A fear, a screaming. Like there is pain, fighting.

Well, I wasn’t stupid. If everyone doing necromancy was northern, and we’d lost the battle for the north, probably the problem was up in the north. Look, can we at least wait a few months? I hate the snow. I paused. Also, Apis needs to get the bees somewhere warm for the winter.

Time is short. You should strike when they are weak.

They’re going to be stronger in the snow than I will be!

Andrena rolled her eyes. You are such a weak southerner.

You’re a goddess of spring! You should want me to go when you’re strongest!

There is a ship that goes north soon, she said. There are fighters there already. They will be adventuring into the heart of the evil, striking when it is weakened. I think it is our best chance. You agreed to work together with me. Buy a ticket.

But I-

It was too late. She was already gone. I sighed and sat down on the windowsill myself. This was what I got for working with a goddess. Worst. Boss. Ever.