That Time I Kicked a Robot and Only Hurt Myself

“This is bad.” The robot brings its hands up in front of its mouth and runs in place, its eyes now black squiggles. “There are violent kidnappers in my bedroom late at night, and from the looks of them, they’re perverts. It’s all over for me. I’ll never be able to get married!”

“Hey,” Saionji shouts to be heard over the robot’s booming voice, “I’m not a pervert! Don’t lump me in with him.”

The robot ignores her and continues its monologue. “What should I do? What should I do? I can’t call for help because they disconnected me from the PA system for reminding the employees to go home at night. If only I had a phone so I could call the police, but noooo, Mr. Fujisaki says he doesn’t want to foot the bill for me to chat with my friends all day. Can you believe it? He’s got more money than the emperor, but he won’t give me a piddling phone, and now I’m helpless against a couple of deviant thugs trying to spice up their marriage by dragging poor, helpless me into bed with them.”

Saionji and I object in unison. “We are not married.”

“My bright future is about to be torn asunder by these retrobates. After they have their way with me, they’ll no doubt sell me to the yakuza, and I’ll never see the light of day again. Father, Mother, Big Bro, I was looking forward to making you proud on Coming of Age Day, but instead of wearing a furisode, I’ll be joining you in heaven.”

“Enough,” I say. “We’re not going to do any of that. Just give us the crystal and we’ll leave.”

The robot’s eyes morph into large circles. “You want me to just give myself to you? You’re not going to take me by force while Mr. Tanaka watches, sobbing and helpless?” Maybe it’s my imagination, but the voice sounds disappointed. What kind of sick mind created this thing?

Saionji takes a step closer to the robot. “How, exactly, do you think we can take you by force? You’re huge.”

“Now who’s being rude? Geez, I may have gained a few hundred kilos over winter break, but is that a crime? I’ll have you know that society’s unrealistic beauty standards are the leading cause of depression among young women, not that a rich heiress would know anything about hardship.”

Saionji sighs. “This is ridiculous. You’re a robot, not a person.”

The robot's circular eyes morph into lines then back into circles, as if it were blinking, and it raises its hand in front of its face. “A robot? That’s right, I’m a robot! And you’re intruders.” Once more, the eyes glow red.

I barely have enough time to cross my arms in front of me to block the punch. The robot moves faster than something that large has any business doing. It also punches like a truck. The crystals in my suit vibrate violently, trying to dissipate the force of the punch even as it sends me flying backward a couple meters. I crash into a desk and once again fall on my ass.

The robot’s not, done though. It jumps after me, arm pulled back to deliver another punch. “This is for Mr. Tanaka!” Not interested in being crushed behind a metric ton of steel, I roll out of the way and jump to the other side of the room.

The robot crashes down where I was, causing the entire building to shake, but to my surprise, the floor does not crumble beneath it. It must be reinforced with Xyrite. Even so, the whole building knows something’s up now. It won’t be long before more security arrives.

“Freeze!” The robot and I both turn our heads toward Saionji, who’s pointing Tanaka’s crystal at the robot. “This thing’s got enough power to vaporize you where you stand.”

“Oh, no! The dommy mommy has a gun.” The robot puts its hands over its head, brushing up against the ceiling. “Don’t shoot, mommy. I promise to be a good girl.”

“Enough with the tasteless jokes,” Saionji says. “Kneel down so we can take the crystal in your head.”

“Yes, mommy. I’ll get on my knees for you. I’m your good little girl.” The robot starts to bend down, but its worried reflection is replaced by a smirk. “Just kidding.” It runs at Saionji, who fires the crystal, but when it hits the robot, the robot explodes into millions of squares.

“It’s a projection,” I realize aloud. So Fujisaki developed the same tech. But Hosoaka’s projection didn’t have much weight to it. Was Fujisaki’s different? Or… “Activate sonar! It’s hiding.”

As much as I hate to admit it, my new implants start echolocating twice as fast as my old ones, but they still aren’t fast enough to spot the cloaked robot before it smacks the crystal out of Saionji’s hand. The crystal bounces off a nearby wall and skids along the ground, halfway between me and the robot.

With no time to hesitate, I start running toward it, but the robot is just as fast. Not wanting to take another punch, I attack first, delivering a powerful kick to its hip. I don’t know why I thought that was a good idea to kick something that weighs more than a car. The impact hurts me a lot more than the robot, but thanks to my power suit, it’s strong enough to cause the robot to stumble. I reach for the crystal but barely pull my hand away in time as the robot stomps down on it.

Stupid move. That thing has enough power stored in it to vaporize half the floor, and all that energy has to go somewhere.

“Whoopsie.” Seems the robot realizes its mistake, but I’m already halfway to the door. I tackle Saionji into the other room as the crystal explodes.

When the dust clears, we peek our heads back in. The robot is lying on its back, its legs completely missing. Its bulk seems to have contained most of the blast since Tanaka appears unharmed, but the robot can barely move its arms.

“A little help?” the robot asks. “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

“Grab the crystal and let’s get out of here,” Saionji says.

“How cruel,” the robot laments. “You’re the kind of people who wouldn’t help a tortoise lying on its back in the desert, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over.”

Ignoring what I now believe to be a delaying tactic, I kneel down to pry open the dome atop the robot’s head, but before I can get it off, a line appears down the robot’s body, and its chest opens, revealing a smaller, identical, fully intact robot inside.

Seriously? Who the hell builds a smaller robot inside of a larger robot? I start to question why Hosokawa wants this tech at all. Surely he’d be better off with his own, less demented inventions.

“Finally, back down to my pre-holiday weight.” The robot curls into a ball and rolls backward, coming to a standing position. It’s now just a tad shorter than I am. “Just in time to go swimsuit shopping with the girls before summer break.”

I bite back the instinct to remind the robot it’s currently August. I’m done playing the tsukkomi for its comedy act. Instead, I reach for the dome again, but the robot backs away, faster this time.

Once more, I find myself in close-quarters combat with the robot, but this time, I’ve learned my lesson about bashing myself against solid steel. I’m more focused on breaking the transparent dome on its head. Not that the robot is making it easy for me, dodging every one of my strikes.

Saionji holds a hand up to her implant. “The police are outside. Whatever you’re going to do, Tsurata, do it fast.”

“Hey, I’m a Tsuruta too!” the robot says, continuing to weave and dodge. “Small world, huh? Maybe we’re cousins.”

“I doubt I’m cousins with a robot.” Damn, she got me to tsukkomi again after all.

That’s not the worst of my problems, though. While I’m cursing myself, the robot sweeps my leg out from under me and pins me with its foot. I can feel the pressure bearing down on me. Just a little more, and I’ll pop like a water balloon filled with blood. Saionji’s too far to help, and she’s not armed anyway. This is it for me.

Wincing, I close my eyes. “Chiyo, I’m sorry.”

But death never comes. The robot eases up, still keeping me pinned. I open my eyes to see the robot studying me intently.

“Big bro, is that you?”