Tears and Fears

The inside of the school didn’t match the red brick exterior – instead there were beige interior walls which were surprisingly sterile considering all of the mess kids could make.

Maria led Lena down the hallowed halls and took her through a door labelled ‘staff room’, so Lena guessed the lounge and kitchenette made up a room meant for the staff. Because she wasn’t staff, she felt slightly awkward walking in and taking a seat on one of the sofas, but still did so at Maria’s request.

After just a moment, Maria placed two cups of tea on the black coffee table, and sat down in the armchair opposite Lena. Lena leant forward and took the warm teacup in her hands.

“How long have you been in New Sol?” Maria asked, watching Lena take a tentative sip of the brown liquid.

“I want to say uh…” Lena bit her lip as she tried to remember. It felt as though it’d been a lifetime, but that was hardly the case. “About 5 months, I think.”

“Well shit.”

Lena almost choked on her tea. Though she’d heard people swear before, it was different hearing it come from a formal natural.

“Have you really been here for thirty years?” Lena asked, wiping a drop of tea from her chin.

Maria nodded.

“How long did it take for you to get used to, uh…” Lena vaguely gestured at everything around her. “All this.”

Maria finally reached towards her own cup of tea, taking a long sip, then another. The longer she took to answer, the more confused and nervous Lena began to feel.

“I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it all.” Maria finally spoke through a solemn sigh. “Sorry, that’s probably not what you want to hear.”

Lena shook her head. “No, it’s okay.”

Some small part of her felt relieved at the answer. Every day she spent in New Sol, the stranger it felt. She’d put everything she had into making this place her new home, but it wasn’t enough to overwrite everything she’d experienced before. It felt oddly gratifying to know it wasn’t a skill issue, but a universal experience. Well, maybe not universal, but at least an experience shared by one other person.

“I think you’re doing really well adjusting.” Maria spoke softly, her eyebrows furrowed. “I could barely leave my house in my first year here. So, the fact that you’re out there, doing all this PFP stuff… It’s remarkable.”

Tears pricked at the corners of Lena’s eyes, but she blinked them away in surprise. Vera had said almost the exact same thing to her many times before, but it felt like hollow platitudes.

But Maria… The way she kept her back perfectly straight as she sat, and held her teacup steadily in both hands. The way her voice got softer towards the ends of her sentences. It reminded Lena of her own Mother. Except, Maria was actually saying the words Lena had spent her entire life longing to hear.

Hands trembling, Lena hastily put her cup of tea back on its saucer. Her tears started spilling before she could catch them, and her shoulders shook with each silent sob.

Maria hurried to sit beside her, wrapping an arm around Lena’s shoulders to no objection. She knew from experience that there were no words to make the new world easier, no words that could make the past suddenly feel okay. So, she held Lena quietly and let her cry out all of the feelings she’d been holding back. There were a lot of them.

“W-why?” Lena’s voice quivered through her tears. “Why did they make us live like that?”

Maria gently rubbed her shoulder. “I don’t know.”

“What…” Lena choked on her tears. “What did we work so hard for?”

Staying silent, Maria continued to rub her shoulder. Lena looked at Maria, eyes red from tears and face contorted in pain.

“What did we hurt for?” She asked desperately.

Maria pulled her into a tight hug, and Lena clutched onto her back like she was holding on for dear life.

“Nothing.” Maria answered in a whisper, stroking the back of Lena’s head as her sobs intensified. “There’s no reason to put people through that. None. Not even for God.”

--

It took a while for Lena to stop crying. But once her tears had finally dried, Maria presented her with a cup of water which she immediately gulped down.

“Sorry.” Lena sniffled and wiped her nose with the sleeve of her cardigan. “I, uh… I don’t know what came over me.”

Maria smiled and gently rubbed Lena’s shoulder. “It’s alright. I’ve gotten used to crying kids.”

Lena cracked a small smile. She was 19, and certainly didn’t consider herself a ‘kid’, but she didn’t hate Maria treating her like one. Once her smile dropped, Lena reached for her tea and gulped that down too in a failed attempt to make her face feel less shrivelled.

“Would you like to exchange contacts?” Maria asked softly. “Then we can chat whenever you’d like to.”

Lena sniffled and nodded; that sounded nice.

“Do you need me to show you how to?” Maria offered, but Lena shook her head.

“It’s okay, my friend Zan taught me.”

Lena tapped her bracelet, causing it to project a small holographic menu. She slowly pressed a few different buttons, then held out her wrist. Maria did the exact same, but a lot faster.

When their two bracelets tapped together, they elicited a slight ding to signify their goal had been accomplished. Lena smiled down at her wrist, satisfied.

“It’s nice you have a friend to teach you these things.” Maria said, getting off of the sofa and returning to the armchair opposite Lena. She reached for her own cup of tea and had a sip.

Lena hummed in affirmation. “Yeah, Zan’s great…”

“Have you told her about your past?” Maria questioned.

“Oh, no.” Lena replied quickly with a shake of her head, and her voice turned a tad sombre. “She knows I’m from the, uh, Fringes. But I haven’t told her anything else. I just… I don’t think she’d get it.”

“Yeah, people here will struggle to understand, but…” Maria sighed. “If someone cares about you, they’ll make an effort to hear what you’re saying, even if they don’t fully get it.”

Lena’s mouth briefly twisted like a pretzel, unsure if she believed what Maria was saying. Even if she was right, did Zan care enough to listen? Lena truly had no idea how close they actually were.

“Have… Have you told anyone?” Lena shyly questioned Maria.

Maria nodded. “A few friends, and my Husband.”

“And how did they react? What did they say?” Lena rushed her words out, eager for answer, and hopefully a positive one.

“Not everyone understood the importance of what I was telling them.” Mizlin took a sip of her tea, then smiled. “But my husband, he’s been wonderful. Curious, but respectful. And he gets really angry on my behalf sometimes, but his version of being angry is so adorable that it makes me giggle.”

Lena found herself becoming envious of the relationship she was describing. She didn’t think she wanted a husband, but a friend like that would be wonderful. Was it worth risking her friendship with Zan, in the hopes they could become closer?

The truth was, Lena hated the part of her that was a Natural. It was depressing and lonely, and stupid enough to believe all the lies it was told. The part of her that was from New Sol was adventurous, independent and a lot more talkative. Zan seemed to like the New Sol part of her, but would she like the Natural part of her too?

Through all the anxiety and sickness that came with pondering over this, a warm feeling built in her chest. Whether it was a belief in Zan’s nature, or just an abundance of hope, Lena began to feel that things would always be okay between them.

“I think… I think I want to talk to Zan.”