Cark a doodle-do

Oi, listen up, ya bloody legends—this is a yarn on how I carked it!

Mate, I know what you're thinkin’.

Nah, it wasn’t a bloody Inland Taipan, Eastern Brown, Coastal Taipan, Tiger Snake, Death Adder, Mulga Snake, Dugite, Red-Belly, Blue-Belly, Spotted Black Snake, Rough-Scaled Snake, Small-Eyed Snake, Western Brown Snake.

Or the Olive Sea Snake, Dubois’ Sea Snake, Beaked Sea Snake, Stokes’ Sea Snake, Horned Sea Snake, Black-Banded Sea Krait, Yellow-Lipped Sea Krait, Short-Nosed Sea Snake, Leaf-Scaled Sea Snake, Elegant Sea Snake, Spine-Tailed Sea Snake, Black-Headed Sea Snake, Slender-Necked Sea Snake, Spectacled Sea Snake, Brown-Headed Sea Snake, Turtle-Headed Sea Snake, Blue-Banded Sea Snake, Flat-Tailed Sea Snake, Shaw’s Sea Snake, Richardson’s Sea Snake, Hardwicke’s Sea Snake, Gunther’s Sea Snake, Big-Headed Sea Snake, Plain Sea Snake, Northern Mangrove Sea Snake, Narrow-Headed Sea Snake, Stripe-Bellied Sea Snake, Yellow-Bellied Sea Snake, Semipermeable Sea Snake, or Ashmore Reef Sea snake. It wasn’t any slippery bugger venom injectin’—like a Sydneysider on smack.

And mate, it wasn’t a creepy crawly like a Sydney Funnel Web, Northern Tree Funnel Web, Southern Funnel Web, Redback, Mouse Spider, White-Tailed Spider, Black House Spider, Brown Recluse, or even a bloody massive Huntsman jumpin’ out at me. I wasn’t stung by a Bull Ant, European Bee, Fire Ant, Paper Wasp, Jack Jumper, Paralysis Tick, or even done in by a Mossie with Ross River. Or a Flying Fox with Hendra while we’re at it.

A stonefish didn’t prick me. A sawfish didn’t maul me. And I wasn’t impaled by a stingray… What, you thought I was gonna say I wasn’t Steve Irwined? Mate, even if I’m carkin’ it, it’s still too fuckin’ soon for a crack like that. Show some fuckin’ respect.

And I wasn’t beaten to a pulp by a cranky Roo or pissed-off Bogan, who had too much goon. Me house didn’t go kaput crushin’ me from a bloody wombat burrowin’, and a koala didn’t drop outta a tree and flatten me. A gum tree full of eucalyptus didn’t go off like a firecracker fryin’ me alive, and I didn’t wipe me arse on a Gympie Gympie. Well, that ain’t the cause anyway.

Wasn’t even the bloody sun burnin’ me more than a B*nnings snag. Or an ill-fated Melbourne hook turn. Nah, I didn’t get dragged out to sea by the rips at the beach or by a Bull Shark, Great White or any kind of shark. Nor a Freshie or Saltie, or the ghost of old Holty either.

Hell, I wasn’t done in by a bloody Box Jellyfish, Irukandji, Portuguese Man O' War, Sea Wasp, Lion's Mane, Black Spotted Jellyfish, or any other jellyfish. No steppin’ on a blue ring octopus either.

By now ya probably questionin’ your life choices, but also how the bloody hell I fuckin’ Kick the bucket.

Mate, it was a bloody bird that did it. And I’m not talkin’ about a mighty fine one at that. And it wasn’t one of the usual bloody suspects like a cassowary with its raptor claws, a magpie tryin’ to take me eyes out, or an emu—yeah, the one we're still at war with! I slipped on a tinnie that some Bin Chicken left out. Mate, I went arse over and cracked me bloody noggin open. It was a classic case of me leg went that way and me head went that way.

As I lay here croakin’, I can’t help but wonder. Who was gonna win the footy this weekend?

“My unfortunate child, your life has been cut short. I can grant you a second chance. However, the new world will be perilous. Shall you accept?”

“Yeah, righto.”

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End of Prologue

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