Rats of The Spires III

We had to carry Wal out of the mire. After too long he was unable to move himself, running as though he were fighting through a mountain of sludge. With Naz'z help, Toross and I took turns carrying Wal on our backs, struggling under his massive frame. Thankfully, the insects either all died in the attempt to drink our blood or recognized the endless feast of corpses before them and let us travel in peace. As soon as we arrived on the shoreline we dumped Wal against a tree and decided to warm him with our bodies. A fire, even a small one, would be far to conspicuous. Scars, Maheed, and Toross were chosen to be the heat sacrifices, much to Toross' displeasure. "You can't expect me to lie with a peasant. It is undignified for one of my station."

It took a little persuasion, but eventually he saw reason after I brought up my siphon and Naz's size. Besides. He would enjoy being close to Maheed. No one can resist the urge to pet soft dogs. Even if they happen to be a person and extremely uncomfortable with being pet and extremely vocal about said discomfort.

Naz and I sat on a fallen log in front of the other rangers facing away from one another, our eyes locked to the brush surrounding us. Cries of battle rage out far off in the Spires in all directions. Roars and monstrous growls, yelps and ghoulish snarls, magical explosions and trees crashing through the canopy. Somehow, the others slept. No, not somehow. Even with the threat of horrifying death breathing on my ears, my eyes are heavy. I want for nothing more than a nap. I clamp my teeth on my cheek and tongue, letting the spikes of pain keep me alert.

"Segugek."

"Yeah?"

Somewhat clumsily he says, "I've been meaning to talk to you, but its hard to find a good moment."

"And now seems like that good moment?"

He laughs. "No. But I ain't getting any younger and there ain't a point in keeping these sort of talks to yourself. You'll learn that with time."
He waits probably expecting some sort of retort. Who am I to deny a teacher of his lesson? He continues. "Why do you hate the temple? Your grudge is burrowed far deeper than the chosen I'm sure of it."

Of course he wants to talk about this. Damn geezer. "Does it matter Naz? Where are you going with this?"

"I'm not some doe-eyed lass you need to impress Segugek. I have a reason for asking. That said, you're not wrong. It doesn't. Even still, I'd like to know. It'd help me understand where your hatred sprouts from so we might uproot it."

"What changed? Last time we discussed the temple you told me to be silent and shut up since I was a fool who knew nothing of the outside world. Just sitting in the hay stewing for no reason."

He nods. "I was wrong. I should have listened then and I'm sorry for that."

...

That's it? Where's the excuse? Who apologizes without explaining themselves? I wait and wait, but it never comes. A howl echoes through the trees painting the silence in an awkward light. He has a strange strategy to get me to trust him and I'm still not sure what he's after. Fine then. I'll play along. If nothing else I can use this moment to build his loyalty to me. Right now he sees me as a potential student and nothing else. If I accept his lessons he'll feel an unwarranted responsibility for me.
I start, "It's not complicated. The temple is an enemy to elves. They forbid the worship of the lords, force us to live in hovels, and kill us at the slightest provocation."

"What of the councilor?"

I shrug. "I have no idea how he got into his current position. A combination of skill, political maneuvering, sacrifice, and no small amount of luck."

He laughs. "The same combination that got him stuck cuddling with Segulf in the Spires!"
He voice falls. "What of the chosen then? I'm sure he's told you he plans to change the temple for the better, yeah? Does that not afford him some measure of forgiveness?"

"He sentenced me to die. After weeks in the dungeons, suffering at his hand he sentenced me to perish in gibbet. No chance at redemption, no repentance to be undertaken. Not that I was in any position to accept it. If I did, I was certain they would simply slay me on the spot, but still."

"Do you think you deserved redemption? Stoler told me what you were arrested for. If a human had been the one snatching an elven child could you forgive him?"

"It's not the same Naz. Of course I..."
Do I? I'm a thief, a cheat, a liar, and now a murderer. Tel'Jaleer's face forever twisted in horror as the spear clawed into his chest flashes in my mind. Even before Jaleer, I haven't been a paragon of virtue. Even if what I did was justified, a thief, cheat, and liar I remain. How could I be anything else under Épicier's employ?

Impatient with the silence, he says, "Speak your mind."

I glance at the others for some reason. I can't possibly reveal all my thoughts. That said... "Ren was clearly bothered by what I did. One of the final interactions I had with him was reprimandment for that heist. He had always been vocal about his displeasure with our line of work, but he was never bold enough to shout at me about how I carried it out. I must have really upset him. His morals were always more well aligned than mine."

Naz nods. "Aye. He's a good kid."

"To answer your question, no. I don't deserve redemption. I'm probably the only one of us who belonged in that cage. But how often do we get what we deserve? Should I not have been offered the chance, even given my record?"

"No no, I agree. So why can't you forgive Stoler? If even you were forgiven and you agree that it was undeserved, why can't you do the same for him?"

Because I have not exacted my vengeance. I have vowed to exact justice and he has many wrongs that need rectified. I aim to ensure people are paid what they deserve and he does not deserve forgiveness. Not from me. I answer with, "Say I did forgive him. What changed? He will not relish in it, it will not improve his life like it would mine. There's no point."

Naz takes a few deep breaths. "Redemption is for the penitent. It gives them purpose, a sense of duty and a clear path to forgiveness. Somewhat counterintuitively, forgiveness is for the wronged. My... I am not a good father. I had at least a dozen children and only two of 'em share a mother. They've cursed my name since the day they learned it."
He shakes his head and begins on a story that pains him to speak of. "I had caught Nazurez in a lie. Nothing worth anything. Somehow what should have been a simple lesson became a petty and stupid stupid fight. He said to me, 'Don't act like you care now. You're nothing to me or anyone.' There was a few correct options there. They should have been obvious but..."
He pauses for a long while, delicately and meticulously keeping his breath. "The last thing I said to him was, 'I am your elder boy. Do not speak to me as if you know anything, you sedentary runt.' "
Naz sniffles. Sounding older than he ever has before, he continues. "I found his body in a shallow grave hidden in the forest a day's march out of town. He had been dead for years by the time I found him. Killed by gamblers who disappeared without a trace, and believe me I hunted them down. He was my firstborn Segugek. He and I were supposed to travel the world together, teach the youngins about Kalth and the history of the mountains."
Now full sobbing Naz proceeds, unable to stop himself. "He would explain the grand tales and I would point out the message behind the parable. He wasn't supposed to die by some nameless rakes who probably killed themselves in a ditch! We were supposed to-"

I place a hand on his shoulder, keeping my eyes on the Spires. "I get it Naz. I understand."

"No! No you don't, because I'm not finished."
Slowly composing himself, he says, "Some years later I had the same argument with almost all of my children. A few were too timid or smart to get caught, but it always ended the same. They'd curse my name the moment they learned it. All of them suffered through childhood, finding themselves surrounded by scum every time. Even Danelzi. Like I was living the day with Nazurez all over again, she told me I was nothing. Before I could think, I watched on in horror as my mouth blurted out the exact same insult."
He lets the Spires rage in the distant, allowing himself a few moment to catch his breath. "Believe me when I say, I kept my eyes on her for over a year, terrified she'd fall into the same fate. By Kalth, even if the ground had crumbled around me, I would prevent her from destroying her life. But she never fell into the spiral the rest had. She seemed happy after long and when I finally found the courage to face her, she did not berate me. She was cautious, but she did not resent me. For the first time, I felt as though I had finally spoken with one of my children."
His voice cracks and it sounds like he's on the verge of breaking again as he says, "She had forgiven me."

"Naz, I get what you're trying to say, I do. But it could have been any number of things that changed her outlook for the better. Forgiving Stoler now won't do me any good because it's already as good as it gets. Any issues I have are purely from the outside world trying to destroy us."

Irritated, he grumbles, "Like the corrupted temple subjugating your people? The same temple Stoler is on a path to change?"

"Words are cheap. I could say any number of things to any number of people. I could tell you that I've changed my ways and have already forgiven the chosen, but it would mean nothing without action."

"And you suppose Stoler is a liar? That he values his words as much as you value yours?"

I nod. "I do. I've seen his kind before. They wear an elaborate mask of virtue and righteousness, but they as deceptive as any thief."

"And the time he hopped off the carriage to save you? What then? Some act of deception?"

"Probably the same reason I had Maheed fetch him. I needed him in that moment to save us all. He probably wanted me alive to please our liege."

He growls under his breath and says, "You are too smart to be this blind! You can't-"

"And you're too wise to be this ignorant! In all your years, have you yet to encounter a hypocrite?"

"I have encountered more than you ever-"
He groans, realizing he was about to make the same mistake. He breathes to calm himself. "Of course I have Segugek. I have been betrayed more times than years you've been alive. I know the hypocrites well and that's why I can assure you without a single doubt in my mind that Stoler is not one of them. Despite what you may believe, a truly righteous man is not impossible."

Stoler's words echo in my mind. 'I will try my damnedest to save you...'
He is a terrible liar, so how could I not notice if he were? I could have been distracted, attempting to convince him the temple is wrong. No, I would never make such an amateurish mistake. Fuck, what was he talking about? I glance at the others. Wal's eyes are open and glued to me. The rest pretend to sleep, likely woken up by Naz's heartfelt cries earlier. Wal commands me with his gaze, although I still can't read his features. Damn it all. "How about this. I will keep a branch of forgiveness alive if Stoler can prove who he claims to be. I can do nothing about the fact that I remain unconvinced of his virtue, but I can remain adaptable."

Naz sighs and contemplates. After a long stretch of silence, he relents. "I will hold you to that. Don't be too proud or arrogant to accept what is in front of your eyes Segugek."

"Being right or wrong means nothing in the face of truth."

He grunts his agreement, skeptical. Of course he doesn't believe me. No matter how often or well they 'listen,' they will never believe me. They can only see me as a thief, a liar, and a cheat. Nothing else matters to them.

It takes longer than I would have expected, but Wal finally stands, waking all three of his cuddle buddies in the process. He limbers his muscles, stretching and popping joints. He finds his mace, swings it at the air and releases a hissing growl. "I am ready. Let us move."