Chapter 6: Throwing reason away

"Ever thrown your brain out the window because you liked someone so much?

Yeah... that’s me."

.

.

Nearly a month had passed.

The relationship between Ms. Grace and me continued to exist within the confines of three letters: FWB—Friends with Benefits. A simple term on the surface, yet beneath it lay a complexity I never thought I’d experience. I had never imagined myself becoming ensnared in a dynamic like this.

I was fully aware of how captivated I was by her. I gave in to her every whim—whether it was something trivial or something that left me uneasy. And yet, she seemed to relish the control I handed over so willingly. Ms. Grace had her own unique ways of relieving stress, ways that often ended in heated encounters outside the boundaries of a bed.

The bathroom. The car. The sofa. The condo balcony. Even the kitchen—places I never thought of as intimate spaces. For her, it seemed like a game of experimentation and challenge. For me? I couldn’t understand why I allowed it to happen. Was it because I loved her? Was it because I was afraid of losing her? Or was it simply because I was infatuated with her?

To everyone else, everything appeared perfectly normal. No one in the office knew about us, and we were both skilled enough to hide it behind the professional façade of a boss and her subordinate. She remained the composed and authoritative leader, and I remained the hardworking and reserved employee.

We looked like nothing was out of the ordinary.

At work, things were going exceptionally well. The project I had helped her lead was a resounding success. She received glowing praise from the executives, and I received indirect recognition through her approval. That accomplishment filled me with pride.

But at the same time, it left a bitter taste in my mouth.

Because in our personal lives, things couldn’t have been more different.

I was the only one exposed. Ms. Grace knew everything about me—what I liked to eat for breakfast, how I took my coffee, my favorite movies, and how I spent my weekends. She knew me so completely that I sometimes felt like there was nothing left to hide.

In contrast, I knew nothing about her. I didn’t know where she lived or what her personal life was like. I didn’t know her likes, her dislikes, or even something as simple as her favorite song.

That only made me want to know more. Was she hiding something from me? Why did her life feel so shrouded in mystery?

Was it a wall she built to keep me out of her world?

This nagging curiosity ate away at me every time I looked at her. The desire to be part of her life grew steadily, endlessly, like a hunger I couldn’t satisfy. And slowly, our relationship began to morph into something toxic before I even realized it.

It made me feel like a fool for not walking away.

.

Today, We Celebrate as a Team

The hum of lively chatter and laughter greeted me the moment I stepped into the restaurant hosting our team’s celebration. We had gathered to commemorate the success of our major project.

“Wow, the new boss really went all out with this place,” Kay, my coworker, whispered excitedly, her eyes darting around the stylish venue. I nodded in agreement. Ms. Grace had chosen the perfect spot—a warm, inviting restaurant that exuded an air of elegance, fitting for such an occasion.

My gaze drifted to the long table reserved for our team. As soon as I spotted Ms. Grace seated at the head, it felt like the entire world slowed down.

She was wearing a simple yet elegant beige dress that perfectly complemented her poised demeanor. Her face held the same composed expression as always, but tonight, there was an undeniable magnetism about her. The soft lighting in the restaurant hit her sharp features just right, giving her an almost ethereal glow.

“There she is—your gorgeous boss, waiting for you,” Kay teased, nudging me lightly with her elbow. Her playful tone was something I had grown used to. She often made comments like this, probably because I never joined in when she complained about work or Ms. Grace’s strict demeanor.

Whenever Kay grumbled about our boss, I’d usually laugh it off and say, “Cut her some slack—she’s beautiful.”

It was always meant as a joke. What I couldn’t tell Kay, though, was that in my head, I often added: “And besides being beautiful, she’s absolutely incredible in bed.”

But, of course, I could never say that out loud.

Deep down, I knew all these justifications—her beauty, her charm—were just excuses I clung to for accepting everything about her, no matter what.

..

After the First Dish Was Served

As the first dish was served, the formal atmosphere of the evening began to ease. Laughter rippled from one end of the table as my coworkers shared amusing stories. I sat at the far-right corner of the table, a good distance away from Ms. Grace, yet my eyes couldn’t help but wander to her.

She sat at the head of the table, the undeniable center of attention, though she didn’t actively participate in the conversations. Instead, she listened with a small, polite smile.

Then, without warning, she rose from her seat.

I turned instinctively, watching as she walked in my direction. She stopped beside my chair, her sharp eyes locking onto mine, a soft, knowing smile playing on her lips.

“May I join you, Pim?”

“Yes, of course,” I replied, nodding quickly.

She pulled out the chair beside me and sat down, the faint scent of her perfume brushing past my senses. I tried to sit still, willing myself not to fidget, but her proximity made it difficult. After all, most of our conversations happened in bed, not like this.

“How are you finding the party? Enjoying yourself?” she asked, her voice soft but low, pitched just enough to be heard over the hum of chatter.

“It’s nice. The food’s delicious too,” I replied cautiously.

“Good,” she said, taking a light sip of her wine, her eyes still fixed on me. “I want everyone to relax tonight—I don’t want people to think I’m too strict.”

Her words made me chuckle softly, and for a moment, the tension in my chest eased. “Honestly, I think the reason you’re strict is because you want the team to do their best, isn’t it?”

Her eyebrows arched slightly, her eyes glinting with interest. A small smile curved her lips. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

We laughed together, quietly and briefly, but it was enough to lighten the air around us.

..

The music in the restaurant shifted to a faster tempo, and the room buzzed with energy. Colleagues began swaying to the beat, their laughter and clinking glasses filling the space. It was hard to believe that just this morning, we’d all been stressed about the new project assignment.

I sipped from my small glass of wine, letting myself relax into the moment. Then, her voice cut through the background noise.

“Do you dance?”

“Kind of,” I admitted with a sheepish smile. “Not very well, though.”

“Want to give it a try? No one’s paying attention—they’re all probably too drunk by now.”

Her playful remark made me laugh softly.

“If you dance, maybe I’ll think about it,” I teased, not expecting her to take it seriously.

Before I could finish my sentence, she stood up. Her smile widened, and I suddenly felt like I’d walked right into a trap.

“Then let’s dance.”

My eyes widened, my heart pounding uncontrollably. She extended a hand toward me, her gaze challenging yet inviting. I knew I had a choice, but I couldn’t stop myself from reaching out and taking her hand.

We moved to the small dance floor set up in a corner of the restaurant. The upbeat music and the sight of colleagues dancing with carefree abandon filled the room with an infectious sense of joy. I couldn’t hold back a laugh as I watched one coworker dance so wildly that I had to cover my mouth to stifle my giggles.

What surprised me most, however, was Ms. Grace. She moved with such ease, her steps natural and confident in a way I had never seen before. Every movement was effortlessly captivating, and the usually composed tone of her laughter transformed into something bright and lively.

She glanced at me as she swayed to the music, her smile warm and genuine.

“See? It’s not so hard,” she said, stepping closer.

I laughed softly, trying to follow the beat, though my movements felt awkward in comparison to hers. Yet, her smile was enough to make me feel at ease.

My heart pounded uncontrollably, and at the same time, a strange warmth spread through me. Every second near her felt like it was filling an unnamed void in my heart, a feeling I couldn’t quite describe but didn’t want to let go of.

We returned to our seats, the faint sound of music still playing softly in the background. My heartbeat, however, hadn’t slowed—it continued to race as if trying to catch up with the whirlwind of emotions. I felt slightly tired from the unfamiliar movements, but the smile on my face lingered, refusing to fade.

“You’re a great dancer,” I said, trying to steady my breath.

Ms. Grace smiled, her eyes shimmering with satisfaction. “Really? I was just moving along with the music.”

“But you looked like you were having so much fun,” I replied without thinking, laughing softly at myself for paying so much attention to her.

She leaned back slightly in her chair, her gaze still fixed on me, warm and unyielding.

“Sometimes, we need to let ourselves have a little fun,” she said calmly, her words carrying a gentle weight. “You, on the other hand, take life far too seriously.”

The simplicity of her statement somehow struck a chord deep within me.

Then, she leaned in closer, just enough to make her next words feel like a secret. Her voice softened to a near whisper. “Some things can’t be solved by overthinking, Pim.”

Our eyes met in that instant—a fleeting moment that felt like time itself had frozen. I looked into her eyes, catching a flicker of something indescribable.

It could have been a challenge, a temptation, or a deliberate attempt to throw me off balance.

I didn’t know how to respond. My thoughts clashed in my head, each one louder than the last. Not everything can be decided with logic. Especially not love.

I told myself that, yet here I was, letting her unravel me completely. I had “thrown away my brain,” allowing her to dance freely through my heart with no reason or restraint.

..

As time passed, the party began to wind down. People left one by one, while a few lingered to chat leisurely. I slipped away to the restroom, hoping to take a moment to collect myself and untangle the mix of emotions churning inside me.

Standing at the sink, I stared at my reflection in the mirror. The polite smile I had maintained throughout the evening had vanished, leaving behind weary eyes that carried both relief and exhaustion.

Relief that the night was almost over.

Then, soft footsteps broke through the silence behind me. I turned instinctively, only to find Ms. Grace walking in.

Her face was as composed as ever, but her gaze—intense and unyielding—made me feel as though she was reading my thoughts yet again.

We stood facing each other by the sink. I tried to steady my breath, forcing myself to act natural, but my heart was racing wildly, threatening to burst from my chest.

“How are you getting home?” she asked, her voice soft yet laced with an unspoken expectation I couldn’t ignore.

“I’ve already called a car,” I replied with a faint smile, doing my best to conceal the storm of feelings swirling inside me.

She nodded slowly, her eyes fixed on mine.

“We can leave together. I’ve been driving you home anyway.”

Her words made me pause. I glanced at her through the mirror, seeing her reflection standing tall and poised behind me. There was an air of certainty in the way she said it, as if there was no room for argument.

“But tonight, there are so many people around,” I countered, turning to face her directly. “If anyone sees you dropping me off, it might raise questions. That wouldn’t be good for either of us.”

She stared at me for a moment before exhaling softly. A faint smile tugged at the corners of her lips.

“Why do you always overthink everything?”

Her words pierced me like a needle. I forced another smile, though it felt heavy in my chest.

“Maybe it’s because I’m just your Friend with Benefits,” I said, the words leaving my mouth before I could stop them. “That’s why I have to think this much.”

Her expression froze the moment I said it. Her sharp eyes stayed locked on mine, as though trying to uncover something hidden beneath my words.

She didn’t reply. Instead, she turned, walked to the restroom door, and locked it with a decisive click.

The sound of the bolt sliding into place sent a jolt through me. Before I could say anything, she returned, her hand closing firmly around my wrist.

She pulled me into one of the stalls and shut the door behind us.

“Ms. Grace!” I exclaimed, her name spilling from my lips in shock.

....

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