The skeleton hiker covered in jelly

Costa Rica, June, 2024:

My name is Štefan. Štefan Picante. I'm a search and rescue officer here in Costa Rica. My job is to find people that have gone missing. It turns out a whole group of people went missing exploring a cave said to lead to a secret underground city.

As I ventured inside the cave, I found a skeleton covered in purple jelly. It was fully-clothed, so I could tell it was one of the missing people, Jalea Esqueleto.

At his feet were three journals. I assume the other two were from his comrades, the other two missing hikers. The first belonged to Fred Duras. I opened the book and read it's contents aloud.

"E4, F5... huh!?"

This was full of nothing but Chess notation! Well, perhaps someone might find value in this. I hear there's a big worldwide chess event taking place in Budapest, Hungary this year. The Chess Olympics I think it was. Maybe I'll register with the WWCF and see if I can make the national team in time.

Onto journal number 2 from Honey Sweet.

"Hello, I love your story. I love it so much, I want you to pay me to draw something for it. Included below are all my socials, my discord handle, my Zitter, my Degenerateart profile, my IX profile, oh, and my-"

Slam!

Moving on, the final journal appears to be Jalea's.

"My name is Jalea. I am an archeologist. I'm here at this cave because my good friend, Refik Osmanagić, told me he believes there's a link between the underground city here in Costa Rica, and the pyramid in Bosnia and Herzegovina."

Um, what?

"Thus, I ventured alone to see if the rumors were true... AND THEY ARE!"

Oh really?

"YES REALLY!"

...

"Hah, I bet if you aren't me and picked up this journal, you'd be thinking I'm full of shit. WELL I'M NOT!"

Fine, we'll turn the page. But as I did that, I was greeted with a sketch of a humanoid robot of sorts. It was labeled "BEK-R1J1" and appeared to just be a bunch of tanks slapped onto a guy in a suit. Though I guess it is likely meant to be a robot. But it had tanks for feet, though without the turrets, and a tank for a head, with a turret. It's hands could also transform into turretless tanks, according to the notes.

Why wasn't this thing just called, "Tankman"?

According to the notes, Tankman, as I'll refer to it, is allegedly a guardian of the Bosnian pyramid, that got teleported here when the indigenous people that lived in this underground city allegedly tried to summon a guardian.

I know, it sounds like some dumb fanfic a kid would write online.

As I continued reading, I heard a rumbling. Turning, there I saw a small tank rolling along the ground towards me. As it got closer, it suddenly transformed into the tankman from the sketches.

I'm not liking this development.

Then more mysteries arose as music began playing out of nowhere and Tankman began moonwalking. "Sarajevo, Rogatica, Višegrad, Vlasenica Tu mi leži pokraj srca," it sang in a robotic voice.

Ok, didn't catch that last part, but Sarajevo's a city in Bosnia and Herzegovina. The capital I think. So is this thing gonna teach me Bosnian geography or something?

"Zvornik, Tuzla, Kalesija, Devetak i Kiseljak Svaki borac veseljak," Tankman sang once more, but this time, it turned towards me and began charging up energy in it'd turret face.

Oh no.

I turned to run, but found something snagging me. It was the damn skeleton! The jelly had oozed onto it's hand, and now it was stuck to my pants. NO WAY! I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!

"ARTILJERIJA!"

BOOM!

I felt myself thrust into the air, flying outside to the jungle below. The damn skeleton was still clinging to me too, but at least the trees would hopefully soften the fall. They did, somewhat, though I'd be slumped on this branch for a while. And with a skeleton dangling down from me too.

Well, mission accomplished somewhat.

At least, until Tankman hovered right up to me and began charging up another blast.

"ARTILJERIJA! BOSANAC SAM BEKRIJA! ARTILJERIJA! BOSANAC SAM BEKRIJA! HEY-EY MOJA BOSNA PONOSNA!"

I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS! WHY THE HELL IS THERE AN ANCIENT BOSNIAN WAR MACHINE IN COSTA RICA!? AND WHY DO I HAVE TO DODGE ARTILLERY LASER SHELLS FROM I WITH A SKELETON DEADWEIGHT ATTACHED TO ME!? GET ME OUT OF HERE!

...

At rescue HQ, a balding man scowled as I stood before him. "And did you find the hikers?"

"Yup," I nodded as I slammed the skeleton down on his desk.

"And this is?"

"Jalea."

"Get him off my desk."

"Sorry, but his journal says he's inhabited by a one of a kind parasitic slime. It's docile, but it likes to cling to things. Oh, and it won't multiply either. He also makes a good desk ornament."

"Do you take me for a savage!?"

"Yes?"

"Fired."

"Thank you."

"But before I formally fire you, care to explain why there's a robot with a tank for a head in my office?"

Oh, I was hoping he'd pretend that thing wasn't there, but it was. It had at least calmed down and stopped firing off laser beams, but now it was stalking me.

"It's property of Bosnia. Can you return it to them?"

"Do I look like the president to you?"

Lovely, we're stuck with this thing. How the hell are we gonna get it back to Bosnia now? Without a diplomatic connection, I'm just gonna have to hope we run into a Bosnian official so I can dump this thing on them. But where would I even encounter one?

As I pondered that, Fred Duras' journal slipped out of my pocket and hit the floor. As I picked it up, I got my answer.

"The Chess Olympics! We'll enter as a team with Tankman, and then after we play the Bosnians, we'll give it back to them!"

"That's the stupidest shit I've heard yet. How badly did you hit your head?" my boss asked.

"Badly, but this is the only way. We just register with the WWCF, then we all play as a team. It's perfect!"

"No."

"You want this superweapon to blow up Costa Rica? Do this for your country, dammit!"

"Fine, how many we need for a team?"

"5 is preferable, but we already got 4 people right here; you, me, Tankman, and the disgusting dead guy. And for a 5th member-"

"Who you calling a 'disgusting dead guy'!? I'm alive, dammit!" a voice roared.

We all turned to notice a hunch-backed man with pointy ears, standing in the entrance. It was Fred Duras. Turns out he was stranded in the jungle and I just missed him, so he made his way back here himself. Oops.

And that is the story of how the 5 of us formed a chess team and went to compete at the Chess Olympics. Turns out Tankman was good at chess, but robots usually are. The slime in the skeleton was good too, in fact, we were all somehow 2300-level. Our national chess federation instantly approved of us being on the national team,  and voila, we'll be participating in the Chess Olympics. Now I just have to hope we encounter the Bosnians so I can give Tankman back to them.

[End]