Best Night Eva

“Dude, congrats on your engagement.”

“Thanks, man. It means a lot to hear that from you.”

“You and Jane were made for each other. Well, now it’s time we celebrate. Bartender, we’ll get another beer—”

“You started a bar fight, is that correct?”

“Your Honour, I cannot remember who started it, but I was one of the parties involved, yes.”

“From witness testimonies, it is alleged that you punched Mr Bryce after he commented to his friends that he thought Pretty Little Liars was an awful show.”

“It is my guilty pleasure, Your Honour.”

“And when staff came over to ask you to leave, you shouted, ‘I am Beerman; I have the power of beer.’ Is that correct?”

“I believe it is, Your Honour.”

“You then got up on the bar counter and began singing Bad Medicine by Bon Jovi. Is that also correct?”

“I believe it was Living on a Prayer, Your Honour.”

“I think we have the footage here.”

“Please get down from there. We’re going to have to ask you to leave.”

“Beerman doesn’t negotiate with terrorists.”

“Well, you can discuss it with the Police when they arrive. Woah wha—”

“For the record, do you dispute that were you in the video?”

“No, Your Honour.”

“And that was you jumping off the counter and bodyslamming the staff. Is that correct?”

“I believe that video displayed I was convinced they were terrorists, and as the video shows, Beer Man does not negotiate with terrorists.”

“A simple yes or no would suffice.”

“Then yes, Your Honour.”

“Shortly after this incident, you left the bar. Is that correct?”

“That is correct.”

“For the record, can you elaborate on where you went after the bar?”

“I believe I went to Dave’s.”

“Dave, is your friend’s place?”

“Sorry, Your Honour, I believe I went to Dave’s Kebabs.”

“You went to Dave’s Kebabs, and shortly after that, you state that the Police came and arrested you. Is that correct?

“I believe so.”

“Do you recognise this rock?”

“That specific rock? No, I do not.”

“This rock was thrown through Mr Lintema’s window. When tested for fingerprints, they matched yours.”

“Ah! I see! I may remember that rock now.”

“How do you know that rock?”

“I believe it may have been the same rock I threw through his window that night.”

“Can you elaborate on when, in the night, you may have done this?”

“I believe it may have been after I was kicked out of the bar and before I arrived at Dave’s Kebabs.”

“The rock landed in the room of his six-year-old daughter.”

“In an impact statement, Mr Lintema wrote ‘my daughter is terrified of sleeping at night. She now has to sleep with us because she is scared someone is going to attack her in her sleep.’ For the record, could you explain why you threw a rock through Mr Lintema’s six-year-old daughter’s window?”

“I… I didn’t know it was his daughter’s window. I just threw it through his window. Because he failed me in woodworking class.”

“Can you state how long ago that was?”

“Around 20 years, Your Honour.”

“You’ve held a grudge for around 20 years?”

“When I failed, it was a really bad time for me, and I was really drunk that night, Your Honour.”

“Putting aside the rock incident, you mentioned that you were arrested shortly after going to Dave’s Kebabs; is that correct?

“Yes, Your Honour.”

“Care to elaborate on why they arrested you.”

“I think it was after I began flirting.”

“I do not have you flirting with anyone in my notes.”

“Sorry, let me clarify. I believe it was shortly after I began flirting with the store window mannequin.”

“I still don’t have this in my notes. Why would you flirt with a mannequin?”

“I was drunk.”

“Fair enough. No, I have it down that you were the one who approached the police officers first. Is that correct?”

“I believe after being given the cold shoulder by the Mannequin, I approached two police officers, yes.”

“You said, ‘Hey, do you want to see a magic trick?’ is that also correct?

“I did say that.”

“You then pulled out your genitalia and said. ‘Hey, look, I’m a helicopter.’ Is that correct?”

“Yes, Your Honour.”

“I understand you are entering a plea deal.”

“Yes, Your Honour.”

“How do you plead?”

“Guilty, Your Honour.”

“Alright then. As part of the plea deal, you have agreed to attend Alcoholics Anonymous and will serve 300 hours of community service. This is in addition to the 30 days you have already spent in jail.” 

*Bang*

End