Chapter 5

When Alicia had left, Bianca began to cry on the bed. Because even though Alicia didn't see it, and it didn't show on the outside, the hole inside of her, where Hermes once had been, was still there. It always would be, consuming her. She'd promised Hermes that she would keep living, but most of the time she didn't know how. She would never let anyone in that close again, she couldn't bear to maybe lose them again. But if she didn't, what kind of life would she have? One of loneliness, just as it had been before she met him. Why did you have to leave?, she whispered into the room.

The grief moved through her, washing down her face with the tears and she calmed down. The emotion passed, disappearing into the weave, at least for now. She dried her tears.

Outside the door, Alicia was walking onto the porch, a tray in her hand. She stopped to listen, but couldn't hear anything from inside the cabin. She pushed the door open.

Here, I didn't know what you liked, so I brought a bit of everything, she said

Thank you, Bianca said.

She took the plate and began to eat in silence. Alicia watched her, sitting in the same position as when she had left, as if she hadn't moved at all. But Alicia could see that Bianca had been crying, and she wondered if she should ask her about it, not knowing if it would cause her to cry more or if it would help. Bianca finished eating, then put the plate to the side and said,

Thank you.

Alicia waited for her to continue, but Bianca had already started to watch the small cabin with that look of serenity and calmness she had seen before. She wasn't even sure she noticed that Alicia was around any longer.

So she resorted to simply being there for her, and she sat down next to her. Jeff had told her that they needed to give Bianca time, to adjust and to calm down from the accident they'd had. Until then, they could only be there for her, but the silence made Alicia uncomfortable and in the end, she asked

How do you feel?

Maybe it had been the wrong thing to say because Bianca's face twisted and all of a sudden she started to cry again. Alicia wanted to run out of the cabin, to get Jeff to help her, but in the end, she forced herself to stay put and keep quiet to not upset Bianca even more.

After a while, Bianca stopped, as suddenly as she had begun, wiping her cheeks. She looked at Alicia.

Thank you for asking, she said.

Alicia looked at her confused, not knowing what to do about her reaction. Maybe it had been the right thing to say in the end, but why, she didn't know. But Bianca seemed, if not happy, at least calmer, and Alicia wondered if it would be okay to ask her their questions now. Or maybe it was better to wait? Bianca had talked about someone called Hermes, who had died. Should she bring it up? She glanced at her. She was watching the room again, her eyes vacant, and not for the first time, Alicia wondered if there was something else behind it all, and not only shock.

She kept glancing at Bianca, wrestling with herself whether to ask her their questions or stay in the uncomfortable silence. In the end, the discomfort won, and she put a hand on Bianca and said,

You said you had lost someone called Hermes?

She waited for Bianca to begin to cry, but to her surprise, a smile lit up Bianca's face instead.

He was a beautiful Dreamship. Always so curious, she said. He was silly, adventurous, and always wanted to know more.

Alicia was taken aback by the love she heard in Bianca's voice. Whoever she had lost, it must have been someone special.

What's a dreamship?, she asked.

Bianca didn't reply, but instead, the air began to flicker and moments later a hologram suddenly appeared in the room. Only, it wasn't just a hologram, it looked like a living thing that you could reach out and touch.

Alicia should have been afraid, but something about it drew her in, and she stared at it in awe. Geometrical patterns and shapes connected to each other, smooth curves turned into sharp angles and when you ran your eyes over the outlines, it suddenly changed direction and transformed into something else.

She couldn't have explained it, even if she tried.

What is this?, she said. How does it work?

Maybe Bianca couldn't explain it either, because she didn't reply, but unfastened the bracelet on her wrist and handed it to Alicia. As she took it, something that resembled liquid metal started to flow from it and up her arm. It was the suit that she had seen Bianca wear the first time they met!

It flowed over Alicia's body, covering her and when it reached her face, she took a deep breath and closed her eyes, not knowing if this would be the last she ever saw. Nothing happened though, and when she felt Bianca's hand on her, she slowly opened her eyes again.

She looked around, and for a moment everything looked exactly the same as it had done before the suit had climbed over her. Then, slowly, something shifted inside of her and afterwards, as she looked back on it, she couldn't explain it in any other way than that it felt like she'd entered another reality. The room stayed the same, but all of a sudden she felt disconnected from it, as if it didn't exist where she was. You would have thought it was scary, but instead a sense of peace descended over her.

She wanted to ask Bianca about it, but as she formulated the question in her head, the answer came to her instantly. As if she had asked it out loud and got a reply. And all of a sudden, answers to questions she didn't even know she had started to come to her. How this technology worked, how Bianca and Hermes were connected, and where Bianca came from.

It didn't come in words or sentences, but as a knowing, and things just made sense in this new reality. It felt as if she had always known the answers to these questions, she'd just forgotten about it. A part of her mind told her that that didn't make sense at all, and she wondered how she would explain this to Jeff and the others. She glanced at Bianca, who just smiled knowingly.

She felt something shift, and the suit reality started to fade away. Baffled, she looked around to see what had happened. She still sat on the bed, in her cabin, just as she'd done moments earlier. And Bianca sat next to her. She shook her head, trying to make sense of it all.

So this is what you and Hermes shared.

You could say like that, Bianca replied.

I understand that you miss him, Alicia said.

She'd always thought that the members of Einstein were close, but what she had seen in that reality was something else. There had been no difference between her and the outside, and had someone been in it, she knew she would have felt them the same as she felt herself. Whatever a dreamship was, it wasn't a machine, but a living being, she saw that now.

She put an arm around Bianca.

I'm sorry you lost him, she said

Bianca didn't react, but just sat still, letting Alicia hug her. And it felt petty saying what she said next, but she didn't know what else to say and wanted to comfort Bianca in the best way she could.

Can't you find someone else? It wouldn't replace him, but you wouldn't be lonely any longer.

I don't want to, Bianca said.

Alicia let go of her but left a hand on her shoulder. It must have been similar on Einstein, after the accident, she thought. Because even though the members hadn't been connected in the same way as she'd seen in Bianca's reality, they had lost many people. She knew the logbooks talked about not knowing how they would be able to go on, or if they even could. They hadn't been able to abort the mission, but it must have been difficult to even be there for the others when you hurt so much yourself.

And the same time, Alicia knew that that's when they had finally come together as a family, being more than just people sharing the same dream. The ship wouldn't look the same if it hadn't been for that. But still.. She remembered the speech from the captain, who had died in the aftermath of the accident. It had been recorded, and to this day, they listened to it once a year, on Memorial Day. It helped them keep going, even in difficult times.

Not knowing what else to do, she decided to tell it to Bianca. Alicia could recite it from heart, she knew it so well.

We've been travelling long and far, my friends. Don't let this accident be the end. Keep our vision alive, keep it close to your hearts. Always remember why we set out on this journey and know that our sacrifice will bring you forward. And even though we will not be here with you, know that we will always be in your hearts, and the continuation of this journey and this ship is proof enough of the fact that we once existed.

So be brave, and keep going and know that we happily do this sacrifice for the human race to find a New Earth.

Bianca looked at Alicia once she'd finished.

I know it must be difficult to have lost Hermes, Alicia tried. But you can't give up. You need to keep living even if he's gone. What would he have wanted you to do?, she asked.

Bianca looked at her. She didn't know what to say. She felt trapped, knowing she would spend the rest of her life being lonely if she didn't dare to trust again, and fearing what would happen if she did. Hermes would have wanted her to live, that's why he had saved her. But she couldn't do it.

He wanted me to be happy, Bianca said in the end.

Of course, Alicia said.

But I can't. I don't know how to, Bianca said.

Maybe it's possible, Alicia said after a while. After all, the members of this ship managed.

Bianca watched the floor. What do you want me to do, Hermes?, she thought. She already knew the answer to that. But I can't do it, she thought. There is always hope. The words he'd whispered so many times came to her. She'd always believed him. She couldn't stop now.

Do you want to be my friend, she asked in the end.

Yes, I would love to, Alicia said.

She took Alicia's hand, holding it in hers. I'm living for you Hermes, I'm doing it.