02 ~ April's night ~ Hel's

A night of nil.

Everything began in darkness.

What she thought to be her life occurred in the phantasm of a train. A luxurious train that was discarded many years prior.

Everything ended in fire. Her dreams, her hopes, her so called life; and the world she knew.

Everything ended because of giant fiery butterflies. Or things which were reflections of the state of mind from the one behind the creation of that world. The true dreamer had to leave...

And after her, everything disappeared.

That only world she knew was not the reality she longed for, during a century.

When the apparent creator of this world, Blue, Mary, awoke and went back to reality; Esther lost all the ties and links she had to it. She lost all hope for herself and disappeared with the dreamt train.

Burned again. Her body was beyond repair already, was her soul now the same?

In darkness and silence.

Time was gone, space was wrong.

What feelings could one have when regaining consciousness before memory in a reality like that?

An unending moment to suffer through. Consciousness without memory, without any perceptions...

It was not enough.

She could not tell if her first feeling to rise was claustrophobia or agoraphobia; because she didn’t know if she was inside a small coffin or a giant emptiness.

She was feeling awful. She wanted to see the moon somewhere, or a street lamp, or a campfire; or even a burning forest. Something, anything but nothing!

Her consciousness rose and grew with that suffering. The bitter taste of a long, long, so long dream, put to an end by a sour reality, it was grasping every bit of her mind.

She had had a pleasant dream.

A dream with hope, flowers, love... A dream that was now over. What she saw when her eyes were shut was now gone, because no fantasy could be as nihilistic as her reality...

She tried to recover or discover senses. She tried to bend the darkness with all her might, as one would try to fly by themselves after dreaming of achieving it... No sight, no smell, no sense of touch, space or heat returned just yet.

It was hell. It was the abyss beyond hell. It could look like a pit, because no light escaped her perception of self; but it was simply the purest nil.

Where everything became nothing.

But still, in that distress in that truth, she could still think, as if her illusionary brain was still somehow functional...

She had knowledge of her body true nature, in dream or other reality. Something prompt to rot with water, flammable. Moist, ashes, linen and ceramic...

Her body of origin was unable to support a conscious life, but it was still where she had somehow resided.

Until its demise.

She burned. She rot.

She went through purgatory for a long time.

Not saving herself, but the one she valued most...

Her existence had meaning.

And she wanted to live.

As a Blue rose, but not only.

Gülnihal could refer to many things in reality, but as her main name, the one she had for the longest period in her existence, it was a part of an identity she was looking forward to recovering.

Her first name was not Mary, she could remember that more clearly now however.

Esther was her current name. She could repeat it in her mind; trying to convince herself she was not gone yet.

She was terrified in her current absent state, feeling how far below reality she now was.

She was lost in an infinite void, feeling as if dead, but she wasn’t entirely gone yet.

She could think, and elaborate theories whit the few information she had.

In this abyss of naught, she was. She was not absorbed.

She could be some kind of stain somewhere... Something hard to get rid of.

She was a stain between nil and reality. Something out of imagination, that gained independence and will, by some miracle or devilish curse.

A fictional character that refused her creator the right to dismiss her; and kept existing behind their back.

She was aware that her very existence, even as it was now, was not something supposed to happen.

But like any life form, she wanted to live further.

And as no god nor devil came to reach her during this eternity, she understood she was alone.

A simple and unexpected stain, stuck between nothingness and reality...

Far below the world she knew a little of, above the end of everything.

She was clinging with all her might to the wall she was staining; only by thinking, and being aware of her self being.

What could happen next?

Would she loose grasp, the end would be as quick as closing eyes.

Would she manage to find a way to climb, the way to reality was uncertain, long, and filled with conditions she certainly was not able to fulfil. The main one she could already see being having a true body to claim her own.

One thing was sure. She was not gone yet.

It took her a full century to get a grasp on reality.

Even if she needed many more; she was not giving up yet the wish to become alive.

Esther would come back.

Someday, any day, the blue rose she was would reappear, and blossom.

~