Nightmare

It was the same nightmare I always had.

I was at home—or at least, what I thought was home, warped and alien, with the ceilings too tall and the walls on either side of me too narrow, as if it was both trying to escape and squash me. I was running.

At first, I didn’t know why, or from what I was running, but fear coursed through my body. Further and further, down the hall, only to be back at the exact same spot. And behind me, a presence.

There was no beast-like howling, no swearing or screaming. Just the sound of his heavy footsteps, so close, always so close.

I made no sound. I just ran. I ran and ran and ran, but he was there. There was no way out. No matter which direction I turned, I never found a door. The hallway stretched endless.

He was right behind me.

Always right outside the door.

Shouting.

Sighing.

Sobbing.

And I felt helpless, in a way where I wanted to shout, but couldn't get a single sound out. Choking on my own, pathetic behavior.

I woke up in a cold sweat, my heart still racing.

Where am I? Where is he? What's going on?

I didn't recognize the room. This wasn't my room—it was too big, the bed too soft, the smell of rotten food missing in the air. How did I get here? What was going on?

I looked around, but it didn't help. Was this another dream? Did I fall from a nightmare into something more pleasant? Or was he there—just outside the door, his disappointment seeping through the gap in the door?

My body was shaking, and my heart raced so fast I couldn't will it to slow down. This was wrong. Was it, really?

What's going on?

I should go, I thought. This isn't safe. This isn't real.

"Hnnnmh?"

A soft voice, still half asleep, dragged me out of the spiral I was threatening to enter. I turned around. This had to be a dream. Surely. This couldn't be reality.

Nela was there, wiping her eyes. "Leo? Wat is los?"

But I couldn't answer her. The words were still stuck in my throat, and even in the darkness, I was sure she could tell I was shaking.

I don't want her to see this. I don't want her to worry about me.

But I couldn't even fake a smile. I was exhausted, scared—still, even though the nightmare was over. Was it really over? Was it true that I never had to return there? It didn't feel real.

But her hand did. She slowly, deliberately, shuffled her hand closer to mine, as if she was trying to calm a scared animal. And really, was my behavior that different?

"Ik weet nich, wat los is, man..." her voice was unsure, waiting for my reaction, "... wenn ik di helpen kann, denn do ik dat geern doon."

Hearing her voice, those words, was strangely calming. I was here, not back home. I swallowed hard. When her fingers touched mine, I didn't flinch, or drew them back. Instead, I got closer as well, interlacing my hand with hers.

"Thank you," I said.

It helped keep the images in my head at bay, but the fear was still there. Tears were threatening to well up, and I quickly looked out of the window. There, two moons greeted me, one small and red, while the other was a bright white. They looked beautiful, and yet, so different from what I knew. Well, to be fair, everything about this place was strange. I felt displaced, even if it was in a comfortable way, like a wild animal taken straight from the forest and put into a millionaire's vacation house. It was nice, but I still had to adjust to everything.

"Du büst ümmer noch an ’t Tittern," Nela said, her voice closer now. "Wat is denn los?"

Her words sent a shiver down my spine. I kept my gaze focused on the moons. To Nela, they must be normal. But to me...

"They are beautiful," I said. "The moons. They shine just as bright as the moon on Earth."

Nela didn't understand, of course, but she still hummed in approval. She was closer now. Even if I couldn't see her, I felt her warmth all over my arm. Our fingers were still interlaced.

Slowly, ever so slowly, my fear decreased. It wasn't enough to unfreeze myself, to look to her instead of the moon. I was still afraid, even if it wasn't as bad as before.

Nela yawned, and I felt her head rest against my neck and back. Her weight against my body was grounding me, without ever becoming too much for me to bear. She looked in another direction.

It was nice. Maybe nicer than anything I had ever experienced.

Pathetic, really.

But I allowed myself this moment of weakness. Just for a moment, I wanted to feel this warmth—this safety, of knowing she was here, for me. That she wouldn't just vanish into thin air in the morning—that I would wake up after this, and she would still be there.

This couldn't be a dream. It mustn't be.

I kept my gaze fixed on the moons, and watched as clouds lazily drifted over the sky, blanketing the stars that twinkled in the deep, dark blue sky. Surely, there had to be named constellations out there. Would Nela tell me about them? What were the moons called? I didn't know anything about this world, but I was eager to learn. And with Nela, I was sure it was possible. What a great gift it was, to have such an understanding and kind person by my side.

I smiled, and finally lowered my head.

"Thank you," I mumbled.

"Hmmmnhkeen Probleem," she whispered back.

I chuckled, the motion vibrating against her body. "I'm sorry, were you asleep again?"

"Keen Probleem," she repeated, and yawned.

She stretched, and with that movement, she also stretched the hand that was still interlaced with mine. The motion was slightly uncomfortable, but I didn't say anything. Seeing her in the low moonlight was mesmerizing, and I couldn't help but wonder once more if I really wasn't dreaming.

I'm not, I reminded myself. This is real. This is my life now. And I couldn't be happier.

She let go of my hand, which now felt strangely frail, and cold, as if it was missing her touch.

"Weck mi op, wenn noch mal wat is, ja?" she said as she was already curling up on her side of the bed again.

"Sleep well," I told her.

I wasn't afraid anymore. But lying there, beside her, made my heart race in a wholly different way than before. I closed my eyes, trying to relax.

Don't worry. This is not a dream. You will wake up tomorrow, and everything will be alright.