Re: I want to save that suicidal girl

Beforeword:

Before this story was originally uploaded in October 2023 during the YOASOBI X Honeyfeed writing contest, I had already begun to reflect on it. Even then, I knew I wanted to revisit and rewrite this chapter, as my writing style had evolved significantly between the time of its creation and now.

As I embarked on rewriting this chapter, I couldn’t help but realize how absurd some parts of it were. Certain moments made me laugh uncontrollably, while others triggered waves of depression, as they mirrored real-life experiences I had gone through. These specific scenes will later find their way into my semi-autobiography, which I plan to publish later this year.

It’s worth noting that while the main character’s name is Aka, he bears no resemblance to who I truly am or how I act. The same applies to the rest of the characters in this story—none of them represent anyone in real life. This is entirely a work of fiction.

If you haven’t already guessed, this story delves into dark themes and moments. Please proceed with caution. For those who continue, I hope you enjoy!

Story:

The world was a blur of pain and confusion. Aka Kawa’s consciousness flickered like a dying lightbulb, struggling to hold on. His body felt heavy, as if it were being pulled into the earth itself. The pain was sharp, unrelenting, and everywhere. His mind raced, trying to piece together what had happened.

Huh?... Did I die?...

The thought lingered, half-formed, as if his brain couldn’t fully grasp the concept. He tried to move, but his limbs refused to obey. The pain surged again, and he gasped, though no sound came out. His thoughts spiraled. What happened?... Could I at least fulfill my dream?

Then, abruptly, the world shifted.

The sharp blare of an alarm shattered the silence. Aka’s eyes snapped open, and he found himself staring at the familiar ceiling of his small, cluttered room. The pain was gone, replaced by the dull ache of reality. He groaned, reaching out to silence the alarm.

Damn, it’s just morning. Was that a dream? Well, whatever.

He sat up, rubbing his face. The dream—if it even was a dream—felt too vivid, too real. But it was gone now, slipping through his fingers like water. He shook his head, trying to clear the lingering unease.

“Hello, my name is Aka Kawa,” he muttered to himself, as if reaffirming his existence. “I am a 17-year-old high schooler. I live with my grandparents in an apartment because my parents died in a car accident when I was young. Basically, I have a completely normal life.”

Normal. The word felt hollow, but he clung to it. He woke up at 7:00, went to school at 8:00, studied all day, came home, ate, drank, and studied more. If he had free time, he watched anime or read manga. That was it. That was everything.

But today felt different.

Date: 28 April 2018

Aka ate his breakfast in silence, the dream still gnawing at the edges of his mind. He packed his bag, said goodbye to his grandparents, and headed to school. The morning air was crisp, the kind of air that made you feel alive. But Aka didn’t feel alive. He felt... detached, as if he were watching himself from a distance.

As he walked, a familiar voice called out from behind him.

“Boo!”

Aka didn’t flinch. “Oh, it’s you.”

Midori Atsushi, his best friend, pouted. “HUH? You didn’t get scared?!”

“You’re so childish,” Aka replied, though there was no real annoyance in his voice.

Midori grinned, falling into step beside him. “Man, you’re so boring. By the way, did you hear the news?”

“What news?”

“There’s going to be a new girl in our class today. I hope she’s beautiful. I practiced some pickup lines yesterday.”

Aka rolled his eyes. “I’m pretty sure you won’t have a chance. I mean, look at you.”

Midori feigned offense. “Excuse me?!”

They continued their banter as they walked, the familiar rhythm of their friendship grounding Aka. But even as they laughed, he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off.

When they entered the classroom, the atmosphere was unusually charged. Their teacher, Ms. Fujimoto, was practically buzzing with excitement.

“Oh, you two finally arrived. Good, now go sit down,” she said, her voice tinged with impatience.

Aka glanced around. “What’s all this commotion about?”

Kiro, the class nerd, leaned over. “I think it’s about the new student.”

Ms. Fujimoto clapped her hands. “Now that everybody is here, I’d like to introduce our new student! Why is nobody excited?”

Kiro yawned. “Because it’s morning. We’re all sleepy.”

Ms. Fujimoto sighed. “You guys are so boring. Anyway, please enter Ao Satō!”

The door opened, and Aka’s breath caught in his throat.

Ao Satō was... stunning. She had long black hair that cascaded down her back like a waterfall, and her eyes—a piercing blue—seemed to see straight through him. Aka felt something he hadn’t felt in a long time. Was this... love?

Ao introduced herself with a calm, almost detached demeanor. “Hello, everybody. My name is Ao Satō. I’m 17 years old. My birthday is on January 6th. If you’re wondering, yes, I have a hobby. I do taekwondo. That’s about it.”

Ms. Fujimoto’s expression turned serious. “Now, for the most important part, and this is serious. Ao has suicidal problems, so please make her feel welcome and safe here.”

The room fell silent. Aka’s heart ached. He didn’t know why, but he felt a deep, inexplicable connection to her.

The rest of the day passed in a blur. Aka couldn’t focus on the lessons. His mind kept drifting back to Ao. Should he confess his feelings? He didn’t know. He felt too nervous, too unsure.

During break time, he tried to form a plan, something to get closer to her. But before he could act, the fire alarm rang. Chaos erupted as students rushed outside. Aka tripped in the commotion, his leg throbbing with pain. By the time he got up, everyone was gone.

As he limped toward the exit, he heard a strange noise from a nearby classroom. Against his better judgment, he went to investigate.

What he found shattered him.

Ao was hanging from the ceiling, a rope around her neck. Aka’s heart stopped. Without thinking, he pulled out his pocketknife, jumped onto a table, and cut the rope. She fell into his arms, limp but still breathing.

“Please be alive,” he whispered, his voice trembling. He checked her pulse, her breathing. She was alive, but barely.

He didn’t know what to do. The school nurse could help, but if the school already knew about her suicidal tendencies, would anyone really be able to save her? Aka’s mind raced. He wanted to help her. He needed to help her.

Midori found him moments later. “Dude, what are you doing here?”

Aka snapped out of his thoughts. “What do you mean, what am I doing here?! What are you doing here?”

Midori shrugged. “I was taking a dump until the fire alarm went off. Now tell me what’s going on.”

Aka explained what had happened, his voice shaking. Midori’s usual bravado faded, replaced by genuine concern.

Ao stirred, her eyes fluttering open. “Can you two shut up?”

Aka and Midori froze. “Ao!”

She sighed. “Damn, looks like this didn’t work. How am I still alive?”

Aka hesitated. “I... I used a knife to cut the rope.”

Ao’s gaze met his, and for a moment, the world seemed to stop. “Ah, I see. It was you—”

Midori interrupted, his usual self again. “Yo, Ao, you look gorgeous.”

Ao blinked. “Uhm... thanks?”

Midori grinned. “Did you know you can’t spell suicide without ‘u’ and ‘I’?”

Aka’s patience snapped. “Who the fuck do you think you are, Dazai Osamu?”

Midori recoiled. “Wha—”

“Get out,” Aka growled. “Get the fuck out of this room now!”

Midori hesitated, then left, muttering an apology.

Aka turned back to Ao. “I’m very sorry about him.”

Ao shook her head. “Don’t worry. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened to me.”

Aka took a deep breath. “I have a question for you. If you don’t mind.”

“Yeah, sure. Ask me.”

“Why... why do you want to commit suicide?”

Ao’s expression darkened. “As a child, I was abused by my father. When I turned five, my mother killed herself because she couldn’t bear the family. I never had any friends. I’ve been shot and stabbed on the same day. I was in a coma for two years because of that. That’s about it.”

Aka’s heart broke. He didn’t know what to say.

Ao looked at him, her eyes softening. “This might be a bit random, but for the first time in my entire life, I’ve felt something for someone. Aka... I love you.”

Aka’s breath hitched. “Ah? Uhm... I-I feel the same for you. I never thought this would happen. I didn’t think I’d have a chance with you.”

Ao smiled faintly. “How about we make a deal? Tomorrow at 12:00, somewhere here at school, I’ll have a suicidal attempt. If you save me... I’ll stop trying to kill myself, and I’ll go out with you.”

Aka’s eyes widened. “Do I have a choice?”

Ao’s smile turned sad. “Tomorrow was originally going to be my last day, so you have no choice.”

Aka nodded, determination hardening in his chest. “Well then, it’s a deal, Ao Satō.”

Date: 29 April 2018

Aka woke with a start. Today was the day. Project: Save Ao Satō. If he succeeded, his dream of having a girlfriend would come true. But something felt off. He shook the feeling away. He could do this.

He checked the time. 11:00. He had overslept. Cursing, he grabbed his bag and ran to school.

When he arrived, he searched frantically for Ao. “Ao! Ao! Where are you?!”

Kiro, the class nerd, stopped him. “Aka, no running in the halls.”

Aka barely registered him. “Sorry, wait—what are you doing outside the classroom?”

Kiro shrugged. “I needed to go to the bathroom. Why aren’t you in class?”

Aka’s mind raced. “Do you know where Ao could be?”

Kiro thought for a moment. “I think she said something about skipping class to go to the rooftop.”

Aka’s heart sank. “Okay, thanks!” He took off running.

It was 11:55 when he reached the rooftop. Ao was standing on the other side of the fence, her back to him.

“Ao!” he called, his voice desperate. “What are you doing? Come back here!”

She turned to him, her expression unreadable. “Took you a while.”

Aka’s chest tightened. “What are you doing? Please, come back.”

Ao’s gaze was distant. “I wonder something, Aka.”

“What is it? I’ll help you with anything.”

“How much will you risk for me?”

Aka didn’t hesitate. “I’ll risk my entire life to make you happy.”

Ao smiled faintly. “Then save me.” And with that, she stepped off the roof.

“Ao! No, wait, not like this!” Aka’s heart raced. He saw a table next to the fence and used it to vault over. He reached for her, but they were both falling now, the ground rushing up to meet them.

As they fell, time seemed to slow. Aka’s mind raced. How are we still falling? This building is only four floors high. Is this normal if you’re about to die?

Ao’s voice cut through the chaos. “Aka!”

He turned to her, confusion and fear swirling in his chest. “Huh? What’s going on?”

Ao’s expression was calm, almost serene. “It’s time...”

“Time for what?”

“Open your eyes. Wake up from this dream!”

And then, everything clicked.

Real Date: 03/04/2018

Aka’s eyes snapped open. He was lying on the ground, the world spinning around him. The pain was back, sharper than ever. He groaned, trying to sit up.

Aka’s voice echoed in his mind. “Let me guess. When you die, there’s a chance the death reaper will give you a dream where your dreams come true. And this will go on until you die in the dream.”

Ao grinned. “Exactly. This dream was to remind me of all my mistakes. On April 3, 2018, I was originally going to commit suicide but got hit by a truck.”

Aka’s voice was soft, almost comforting. “All your reasons for suicide and your behavior explain everything about why you wanted to kill yourself. Your last moments with your friends, what your parents did to you. Life really is hateful.”

Ao laughed bitterly. “That’s 100 points.”

“So, what’s next?” Aka asked.

“Since I’m a death reaper, you just have to follow me. I’ll lead you to your next journey. But first, you still have to go through your death experience. Because you had a dream doesn’t mean anything. That dream was only a second long. Hehe~” Ao answered.

Aka’s laughter turned manic. “Well, damn. This hurts so much. And she’s gone. Maybe I’m just delusional. Hehehe, HAHAHAHAHA!! I’m free!”

At the end, Aka still had the same question: What happens after death?

But for now, he was content to follow Ao into the unknown.

The End.