Pink coffins

I think this was what people called a ‘lazy Sunday’

Or rather, it was a ‘lazy Friday’, as it was still technically a working day. Although to my mind it was already in that ‘lazy Sunday’ mindset, where I much would’ve preferred to stay at home and sleep than work. But I guess that was most days. It wasn’t like I hated where I worked. It was just… how do I put it. Boring? I worked at a small coffin shop on the outskirts of Asakusa. I had picked this shop as it was the only store who was still readily hiring workers. I left my home for Tokyo as I had gotten accepted into my top university, Waseda. Being an oblivious and clueless high schooler fresh from graduation, it wouldn’t be a stretch to say I was ill-prepared for living in the big city. I can still recall my mother’s words ringing in my head.

“You can’t rely on us forever!”

I thought she was joking. She was not.

My original plan was to live off the meager amount of allowance my parents would send my way every month. It would be enough for rent and food at least, I figured. However, when my parents soon found out the real reason why their money would almost vanish into thin air as soon as they gave it to me, (damn those university parties!) they finally put their foot down and demanded I get my own job. I scrambled desperately to find any stores or places willing to hire me. Unfortunately, I would always come up short. I guess it was fair. To them I probably looked like a dysfunctional and lazy freshman. Not that they were far off.

However, after nights of searching, (and living off cup ramen!), I finally found a shop which would hire me. It was a small coffin store located on the outskirts of Asakusa. At that point, I was desperate for any kind of job offer, so I mindlessly and eagerly snapped up the offer.

It had been what, two, maybe three months since I started working here? It was an unassuming store for sure. The exterior consisted of wooden panels painted a creamy white, stacked horizontally on top of one another to form a wall which resembled closed shutters. The door was an old glass sliding door, its panes blurry and yellowish due to being both exposed to the elements and the inevitable passing of time. It reminded me of those foggy doors present in showers, as it likewise did not let much light in. In fact, half of the store had not been touched by the rays of the sun for a long, long time. The only source of luminance came from a pair of decrepit fluorescent rods, which emitted a dull buzzing noise when turned on. Outside, on top of the store hung a giant sign written in bold, black letters, “Nakamura’s Coffin Shop”. Although the owner Nakamura himself barely visited to see how I was doing. In fact, it seemed as though I was the only worker here. Not that it bothered me.

I continued to laze on top of the wooden counter, my cheek pressing against the cold surface. My eyes floated listlessly from one end of the store to the other.

“Just rows and rows of coffins.”

I muttered to myself. It wasn’t like I hated working here. But I couldn’t exactly call it enjoyment either. It was more like I was just watching the hours pass me. Due to this, I had a bad habit of subconsciously checking the time every quarter hour or so. Today was no different.

“Damn… only three thirty.”

I muttered to myself again, this time with a bit more irritation in my voice. Seeing that there was nothing entertaining in the store, my mind began to drift again.

What should I have for dinner today… maybe… curry? Fried rice? Oh, but I still need to use up that cabbage leftover from that hot pot last time… Udon? Nah, don’t really feel like it… maybe a simple beef don? I didn’t really feel like cooking today, so the prospect of a boxed meal from Family Mart sounded really appetizing right now. However, in the back of my brain, I could hear a high-pitched voice getting louder and louder, almost to the point where it had become overbearing. It kept repeating that same word, “hey!”.

“Hey!”

I realized this voice wasn’t part of my subconscious thoughts, but rather, a real person speaking to me right now. My body suddenly jolted up as I snapped out of my daze, and I began to hastily look around for the source of the noise. I had expected an old, or at least middle-aged person standing there, their face clearly agitated and prepared to scold me. However, I saw no one. At least no one at my eye level.

“Hey!”

Had I gone crazy? I thought to myself. I continued to look around the store from the counter until I caught sight of her. No, I wasn’t crazy. However, if I told anyone what I had saw, they probably would’ve assumed I was crazy anyway.

It was a small schoolgirl, not much older than ten or eleven, I assumed. Her short stature consisted of a skinny frame, with a petite face perched on top that was painted with a set of big, excitable eyes, a small nose, and a pair of lips which were stretched to form a mischievous grin. She sported long, black hair which was tied up into two small pigtails. I assumed she came from a nearby elementary school, judging by her uniform, which was paired with a pink schoolbag. She continued to eye me smugly, in that way kids normally did. I began to feel a bit uncomfortable.

“Uh, can I help–”

“Hey, can I call you big sis?”

“H-huh?”

My response came out sounding a little more befuddled than I had originally anticipated, but for good reason. The only customers that had ever visited this store consisted of middle aged to old men and women. I would’ve never expected someone younger than that to have any reason to come into our store, much less someone this young. She’s probably just lost, I assumed.

“Uh, where are your parents –”

“Hey! Can I call you big sis or not!”

Her once cheeky smirk was now replaced with an irritated pout. I hesitated for a bit, as this was quite out of the blue. But looking at her now pleading expression, I didn’t have the heart to say no.

“Sure…”

After seeming to be content with that answer, she began to prance around the store happily. It was quiet a strange sight – it wasn’t everyday you saw a schoolgirl this delighted to be in a coffin store. I was about to ask about her parents again, but I ultimately chose not to as I expected her to dodge my question once more.

“Hey big sis, do these coffins come in any other colors?”

I was taken aback once again, but I quickly rationalized her query to be due to pure cluelessness and curiosity.

“No… Why? You plan on buying one?”

As soon as those words left my mouth, I immediately scolded myself for my pathetic attempt at humor. The girl didn’t seem to mind though. Instead, her expression grew a bit nervous.

“Uh… y-yeah…”

She muttered, looking down at her feet. She began fidgeting with her dress and seemed to be struggling to continue her sentence. I was likewise also at a loss for words. I mean, how the hell do you respond to that?

“Oh… aha… really?”

She answered my question with a shy nod. Oh god. If Nakamura didn’t fire me for the pitiful joke I had made before, he was going to now.

“Um, can I ask why?”

“T-the doctor said I’m going to die…”

My heart dropped, and I felt my mouth dry up to the point where I was unable to force out any more words. I could sense where this conversation was heading, so I used all my remaining strength to confirm my hunch.

“Cancer?”

She confirmed with a meek nod. The air of the room immediately grew heavy, to the point where it was almost suffocating. A thick, uneasy silence enveloped the store, and I could only watch the girl continue to fidget anxiously as I was once again robbed of my ability to speak. Time seemed to have slowed, to the point where it was now crawling along at a torturous pace. Yet, despite my discomfort, I still felt strangely obligated and determined to comfort the little girl. I didn’t know why, but I just couldn’t bear to see her in such a state. I wanted to say something, anything, to console her, no matter how little. I once more forced the words out my mouth.

“Uh, are –”

“Hey big sis, what happens when we die?”

She had beaten me to the punch, so my only option now was to answer her question. However, due to the girl continuing to stare at me so expectantly, I felt pressured to answer her query as quickly as possible. I blurted out a response, the words leaving my mouth before I could even process them.

“I-I don’t know…”

Her anxious expression suddenly dropped. It clearly wasn’t the answer she was expecting. As soon as I saw her letdown, I felt a wave of dissatisfaction, almost disappointment washing over me. She had been so hopeful for a clear answer that would at least provide her with some form of solace, that my pathetic response seemed almost unfair. I had to say at least something.

But… what really did happen after death? I didn’t really know myself. I wanted to comfort her by proposing that there was some kind of afterlife, but for some strange reason, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe such a thing existed, it was more that I was unsure if there was one. And to give a scared, dying child false hope was just… wrong. But if I didn’t want to go down that path, my only other option was that after death, there would be nothing but eternal cold and darkness, and I really, really didn’t want to tell her that. But then again, how the hell did we know death was like that? How did we know that after death, there would be nothing? I think, the reality is, we didn’t really know what happened after we die. Whether good or bad, everyone must face it someday. I let out a deep sigh in an effort to calm my nerves, and I opened my mouth to answer.

“I’m… not sure.”

The girl’s frown softened, and her eyes began to glimmer with a sliver of hope. She continued to wait in anticipation for me to continue my answer.

“But what I do know is that it’s not the end. Like, you don’t just end there. Whether good or bad, there is still something after you die.”

Although a slight scowl remained on her face, she was clearly more at ease now. However, her expression still seemed to be tainted by a tinge of worry.

“W-what about mom and dad?”

“Your… parents?”

She looked down to her feet and began fidgeting with her dress again, clearly hesitant to elaborate. She continued to force the words out, her voice sounding like she was on the verge of tears.

“Won’t they be… sad?”

Ah, I see. I suppose it was quite normal for a child to prioritize the worries of the ones they loved the most over themselves. In a way, this innocent selflessness made me feel a strange sense of both admiration and sorrow. Although she herself was the one dying, she was still more concerned about her parents. I never had that close of a relationship with my parents. It wasn’t as though they were bad parents, I knew they meant the best for me, but some things in life just didn’t click, that was just how it was. And one such thing was my parents’ and my own dreams. They had tried to convince me throughout my entire life to stay and help in the family business, but I always knew what I truly wanted was to get into university and move into the big city. Yet, when I imagine them at my funeral, I could picture my mother being absolutely devastated. She would be on the floor, tears streaming down her face like a waterfall, smudging her makeup and staining her clothes. Her pained wails would ring throughout the room, as she would repeatedly cry out my name. My father, although he never seemed to show any emotion, would probably be struggling to stifle his sobs. But that couldn’t be the answer, right? If the ones closest to you were always sad, then who really are the ones who died? It just seemed… wrong. I think, yes, they would be sad, but eventually they would move on. If they truly loved me, they would move on and instead be happy about the life I had with them when I was still alive, then the life that could’ve been.

“No… at least, I don’t think so.”

She looked back up at me, her wet eyes now wide open, glistening with surprise. Although she still looked very tense, I could make out a small glimmer of hope slowly spreading across her face.

“If your mom and dad really did love you, they won’t stay sad for long.”

As soon as she processed those words, her lips began to stretch into a slight smile. She continued to stare at me, her eyes now filling with an optimistic glint. She proceeded to wipe the stray teardrops which had slipped from her eyes using her sleeves, and looked back up at me, a bright smile now plastered on her face. I didn’t know what it was, but seeing her genuinely smile for the first time, I suddenly felt compelled to return the favor. I responded by flashing an equally joyful grin. We continued to smile at each other, until eventually, the girl eagerly opened her mouth to speak again.

“Hey big sis, can I ask one more question?”

I continued to gaze down at her, but this time it was in an almost… endearing way.

“Sure…”

“Do you think I can get a pink coffin?”

I didn’t know what it was. Maybe it was how serious and earnest she looked while asking that question, or how absurd that request looked in my head, but I suddenly felt a fit of laughter rise up my body and escape my mouth. My giggling echoed in the silence, much to the girl’s annoyance.

“H-hey! I’m serious!”

Her smile was once again replaced by an irritated glare, and a rosy pink began to spread across her cheeks.