10:13 PM

The sky was overcast with heavy, grey clouds.

Izumi slammed the door shut behind her, rainwater dripping from her clothes. She was completely drenched. ‘This stupid rain! I had to sprint from school because of it!’

She kicked off her soaked shoes with a grimace, watching them squelch against the floor. A high school girl with pale skin and brown eyes, Izumi had once-proud curls that now hung limply, reduced to mere strands of straw under the rain’s relentless downpour.

With an irritated grunt, she tossed her bag onto the table. Yanking off ribbon open, she let her damp brown hair past her shoulders, sighing in exhaustion.

‘So fucking stupid!’ she snarled.

‘Oh, you are home?’ her mother popped her head out of the kitchen. Her mother was a short and plump woman with a soft look about her. ‘Oh my, you are soaked, dear-’

‘Yes, mom, I am soaked,’ she snapped. ‘I am going to my room!’

‘Don’t you want to eat anything? I prepared Omurice for you-!’

‘I have a test. I need to prepare for that,’ she said flatly, and without another glance at her mother, picked up her bag and clambered upstairs to her room.

After a hot shower and a change of fresh clothes, Izumi sat on her desk, absentmindedly rubbing her head with a towel.

She was supposed to be studying. But for the last half an hour, she had been scrolling through the social media, admiring her favourite digital artists and searching for art references.

To her left, a stack of medical books loomed over. Her father had brought these for her; he wanted her to be a doctor. She was still in her second year of high school; these books were a grade level above her.

Her father’s advice- more like a command since you aren’t supposed to disobey- was to cram these books as well, to prepare for the competitive tests simultaneously along with her high school studies so that as soon as her high school was finished, she can give the tests, without wasting a single breath.

Not a single moment of life should be wasted anywhere, except for building a career. Quite fun, right?

Which she wouldn’t have mind- as she herself wanted to have diligent career that could help her nourish her family and allow her to share the burden of the household for her father.

However, going to medical school?

No. Not in this life. Not in the next.

If she must pick a career in medical line, psychology fascinated her. But when she once mentioned it, her father had dismissed it outright- according to him, psychology was ridiculous. Neurosurgery was the only path worthy of pursuit.

Izumi sighed in frustration.

In truth, she wasn’t sure about a career neither as a neurosurgeon nor as a psychologist. All she knew- her one true passion- was to draw and write.

She pushed her chair back, walked up to her cupboard and brought out a digital tablet. She had bought this tablet by saving money from her part-time job.

Obviously, her father didn’t know about it. If he ever came to know, he would throw it out as indulging in anything besides studying was a waste of time.

Good thing, breathing is Involuntary. Otherwise, she was certain, her father would have come up with just enough count of breaths to live to make sure all the energy was being expend on studying and only studying.

‘Good thing, he doesn’t come to my room,’ she murmured, pushing the power button.

A smile tugged at her lips. Drawing was her safe space- her only comfort.

‘Just for a while,’ she murmured. A bright smile crept on her face as she sat down and positioned her tablet on the table, in front of her.

She whiled away her time on character sketching, perspective drawings, studying references from many artists that she admired. Time slipped through her hands like grains of salt. It was only when the timer dinged after one hour that she groaned in frustration.

‘Ugh, I was so into it! The building was almost done!’

She sighed. She didn’t want to put the pen down but keep on painting these strokes. But good things always end fast too soon.

With reluctance she put the tablet away, scowling as she returned to her desk. The sight of books made her bury her head in her arms.

After a moment, she groaned and grabbed the thinnest book from the top of the pile.

After a heavy session of five hours of focused study, her brain felt like overheating. But only a few pages of the chapters were left and she wanted to complete it.

‘Izumi! Come down, dinner is ready!’ her mother called from downstairs.

‘Coming in a bit!’ she replied. After skimming through the last few pages, she trundled downstairs.

At dinner table, her father barely looked up before asking, ‘How is the study going?’

Her father had a stern look about him. He had sharp features with hard lines over his face. His hair was dyed black with some grey in them. Though his eyes were the same as hers.

Of all the things in the world, this is the only topic he cares about.

Her mother and her brother were calmly eating their food, seated opposite to her.

‘Good,’ Izumi said in a low voice. She was too tired and felt collapsing anytime soon.

‘Have you started reading any of the books that I gave you?’ he asked.

Izumi didn’t want to answer him at all. Study was all he ever talked about.

She gave a small nod.

‘How is it?’

‘Hmm,’ she nodded again, hoping he’d drop it.

‘Are you even reading it properly?’ he spat, putting his chopsticks down.

‘Of course, I am!’ Izumi snapped.

‘I don’t think so,’ he said coldly. ‘What have you studied today, then?’

‘I have been studying all day, you know! I prepared for my test; I revised the classwork. I studied my course material and then I studied the first chapter of the book you gave me! Why can’t I have a break from talking about studies even at dinner?!’

‘What’s so wrong about studying? Why are you always so agitated?’

‘You-’, Izumi shot to her feet, ‘-make me agitated!’

‘Look at other children how hard they work, you are tired from only going to school. There are children who work jobs and then still study all night. All these facilities you have, yet you can’t even study properly-’

Her mother and brother exchanged nervous glances.

‘In what words would you understand that I fucking studied!’ Izumi yelled, her face burning red.

‘Watch your mouth!’ he stood up as well, his sharp features tense with anger. ‘Just where are your manners?!’

Izumi didn’t care. She turned on her heel and sprinted up the stairs, slamming the door so hard the sound echoed downstairs.

she buried her head in her pillow.

‘Always with that attitude- I have lost my appetite; I am going to bed!’ she heard her father yell downstairs.

‘That is why they say not to speak while eating…’ her mother whispered in a low voice to her brother.

Izumi curled into herself.

‘I hate it! I hate everything! No matter what I do, it is never enough for him! I never want to study again! I never want to try to make him happy again!’

She cried, while punching the pillow but it did nothing to dull the ache inside her.

Her belief had been simple: if she studied hard, if she followed his wishes, he would be proud of her.

But he is never happy!

Tears welled up her eyes as she sobbed, spilling onto her pillow. Her eyes burned from exhaustion, and her body trembled with frustration.

Only when her stomach grumbled loudly, she realized she was famished.

She was unsure of the amount of time that had passed.

A rattling sound startled her.

Outside the window, a black crow perched on the ledge, tapping its beak against the glass. Its beady eyes stared directly at her.

A shiver crawled up her spine.

Izumi turned away, unwilling to deal with anything else tonight.

‘I am still hungry,’ she murmured, patting her stomach.

However, there was no strength left in her to get up and do anything.

Luckily, sleep was taking over.

‘If I am reborn again,’ she whispered, her eyelids growing heavier, ‘I will never live like this……I will live……. just for myself…’

With that final thought, her eyes closed as she drifted to sleep.