434. Qualia, 8

(Rose)

Maybe I’ve spent a little too much time alone. Anyone and anything accompanying me would have told me, this was a terrible idea.

Trying to use this place’s radioactive materials to induce radiation poisoning to my enemy, in the midst of a fight, it’s just a very bad idea.

Probably the worst I ever had.

It’s too late now.

I realised my mistake after a few days, but I expect that Priest is already on his way. I’ve made the call. I’ve set the main traps in the area.

All is left to do is to proceed with the dangerous plan, adapt, and face the consequences.

I’m sure that from space, one could see a stormy cloud rushing in an arrowhead shape, in my direction.

Priest is coming, and it makes me anxious and nervous.

I missed that. This land is too peaceful for the lonely me.

So I summoned a demon.

Yeah... I definitely miss you Blume, to be the responsible one of us two.

I’m burning again.

On a newly made necklace I wear, stones glow slightly. They have a high refractive or prismatic effects, like diamonds, but they’re the size of olives.

I have more of the same fragments of artefact on my belt, bracelets, and to the hilt of my sword. And I still have a lot left in my bag.

I know by experience the powers just an olive can release. This was the biggest artefact I ever encountered.

Maybe radioactivity there made it grow, like a crystal, over the years. I don’t know what elements this mineral is made of. It’s light for a stone.

I have more cards to play with this than I would ever have needed. This was a dangerous treasure.

~

I’ve also noticed lately that I feel more and more like I’ve seen, done or encountered similar situations before... As if I had done everything imaginable and that there wasn’t surprise anymore, only remembrance and similarity. Is it what feeling old can be?

The honeymoon season of my life over here may be over, but I still live on, with as much experiences behind me.

It’s not a very pleasant feeling, but hell on Earth if that should be the insidious enemy to stop me from moving on and living.

Déjà-vu is what differentiates life from stories. I always wanted to know what happens next, after the end of every story I could read. But stories end when they have nothing left to say.

Life doesn’t care and goes on.

With chaotic potential all the way.

Heroes’ life sometimes shines far better after what was seen as their end.

I feel like I’ve lived through everything already normal to be, and that there won’t be any more excitement. That’s even why I decided to summon that demon!

But unless I die in that fight, I will live on.

Excitement may be memories, but I will go on. I may never be able to have such intensity in life and struggles as we all had before, but I will keep walking.

Nothing I could do would ever beat the intensity of the first Licht’s battle. I will never beat that brightness and emotion, that peak of intensity.

I will never be that heroic.

My honeymoon, or golden age of discoveries, may be behind me now. I’m not getting younger after all.

I may have not much left to say. A closure is spreading its shadow.

But I won’t die today. I refuse it.

I will live on regardless of my mistake.

I want to see for myself what will happen next.

~

It wasn’t the first stupid thing I’ve ever done, and it won’t be the last either. Blume knows I’m reckless with invisible fires.

That feeling that everything lately brings our memories of similar past situations I’ve lived, rather than a sense of everlasting wonder, it’s haunting me slightly.

Right now it’s haunting me more than Bleue has...

I feel like all I’m saying now when I discover something new is, ‘’oh I remember this’’. It annoys me.

I keep scratching the skin between my breasts, nervously.

There’s someone else I miss. Someone who was far too cautious and afraid, against what its nature tended to be.

I’m feeling bad now, guilty in more ways than one.

That upcoming fight will clear my head.

I need that terrible reminder that I’m alive, and that it will go on regardless of what I feel.

And then, as I move forward, to the next chapter of my life, that will build my ever-growing past.

I’m feeling murkier and murkier. Dark thoughts rise inside my mind.

Licht was the hero I wish, I dream, I might ever become.

With a glorious... No, not glorious. With a greatness?

A radiance. A clear and absolute goal, impossible to achieve, heavy in value. So heavy in values, ethical, moral, philosophical, biological, religious, and somehow historical as well.

I admired her, and what she did.

I walk in the shadow of someone who was too great to be me.

I feel like the mindless roses must have felt against me. I’m a dull copy. I feel like that against Licht right now.

A painful feeling of inferiority. I’m a murky woman. She’s been a radiant start with single will.

I will never shine as bright as she has, no matter how long I live.

I’m jealous... It’s been years, but now it finally emerges outside of me.

She was my ideal heroic self. It’s all gone and over now. I’m living in the aftermath of her tale.

I’m feeling awful right now.

In the distance, I now see the stormy clouds appearing, flowing like waves over the horizon.

Finally...

I’m glad you’re here, because right now, you’re the only one that can make me feel alive.

~