471. Pragmatic flesh, 3

(Rose)

I missed living with a lively family. More than I would have believed and thought.

I often feel like that’s it, I’ve become adult and there’s nothing left for me to evolve upon. Job done.

Needless to say, I’m always wrong when I feel that way, as if there was nothing left for me to learn and grow wiser upon. That feeling has always been a mistake.

Heroes have a growth in their story, as they evolve against fearful odds, overcoming their weakness or foes, by becoming better and wiser.

A good story shows that progress and transformation for its hero.

I often wished my life was as simple, as I was counting the years of my age, even long before I rose into this world.

And now isn’t as dull, but it’s not easier either.

I understand that’s why good stories end long before the hero dies. Because they focus only on the good part, that evolution to glory.

But life goes on, and I ask what happens next, feeling bittersweet and lonely.

I want to know what happens next, despite the fact that it can’t, it cannot be as good and interesting as the core story was.

And unfortunately, that’s how real life feels to me.

In more ways than one.

B - Still feeling blue?

R - ... A little. It comes and goes. Peaceful times are nice to me...

B - But it also depresses you with nostalgia.

R - I feel like I’m going to collapse into the hole where reality dies, below the world. Unless some kind of trial is ahead of me, something to face, anything.

My tendency to slide into chaos like entropy that this world revealed is magnified as well.

B - Maybe you need a good enemy more than Nightmare does.

R - I summoned Priest one day, to get that feeling back... Nightmare and I... Are more alike than we look. A little of kindred spirits you know? I quickly realised she would be a good friend to me.

Not that Nightmare feels the same about me I think.

R - I truly enjoy living with all of us. Feeling like a whole family... It makes me want to cry... But I’m still scared of tomorrow... And of my tendencies.

B - A warmonger needs his blood baths, I understand that.

R - Blume, that’s mean...

B - Joke aside, you need something challenging to solidify you, to drive you, there’s nothing wrong with that.

R - I guess that’s why Bleue gave me the twelve labours to achieve.

I still have a few on that stupid list. I don’t think about it most of the time.

B - What is the goal of your life Rose? Are you still envious of how strong Licht was about hers?

R - That’s direct... I’m still a little murky about the later at times yes. As for the former, I don’t have any large ambition defined honestly. A few little goals like the twelve labours or visiting the land of the sky and the city of the sun.

B - You’re thinking too much again.

R - What? I’m not following you.

B - You keep going in circles. I can see their pattern, repeating over and over. Your mind repeats the same ideas and processes over and over. You’re still stuck in there. You will find a new challenge, a good fight that gives you a nice thrill of victory, and then feel depressed again when peace returns.

R - Evolution isn’t transformation. Of course I repeat the same mistakes over and over. I’m human. I’m doing my best to learn from my mistakes to deviate more each time. But I’m not smart enough to change everything after a single cycle. I know that.

B - The issue is not the number, but the guilt you feel about it. What bothers me is not your frame of mind, it’s your guilt about it. I like that you ask yourself all the time if what you’re doing is moral. I don’t like that you blame yourself for everything you feel and all that happens beyond you.

R - ... I still have rooms for improvement it would appear...

B - Loads!

Blume opens her arms to emphasize it, even further.

B - Huge! Enormous room!

R - Ok I get it! Mean little flower...

~

R - Are your emotions and desires on a similar frame as mine?

B - Mostly. I evolve on my terms but I haven’t changed a lot recently.

I stand up. My left hand helps me as I would expect it to. It’s working fine now.

R - Alright... Thank you for the chat.

B - Anytime little Rose. Enjoy the day.

Blume stretches her shoulders lasciviously. She’s going for a nap without a care in the world. She’s more cat than flower now.

I leave the lounge to her and head outside. Maybe now I could spar with Myls.

~

My heart and mind may repeat mechanical patterns like clockwork...

But things can erode and evolve over time, over countless cycles. They will change. I will evolve.

I notice Nightmare sitting on a rooftop, gazing quietly at the landscape. Her hair is floating slightly.

She looks melancholic as well, in a different way. How much she has managed to change, in just a few years.

I loved that sentence she told me long ago. Really. I keep hearing it in my mind, and it brings back my smile.

There is chaos in life.

And we both like it!

~

Myls agreed. I think she wouldn’t mind having me atone for my sins by her beating me up strongly.

My left arm looks like the hand of a demon. Even the nails look like claws. They are actually a little like bird talons.

Zeslinry will count the points. I’m not sure that will matter, but she’s curious I think.

There is a fire that appears inside of me as I stand there, facing her. The same goes for her. Not the same kind though.

M - I’ve trained you know.

R - Good!

She’s fast.

She’s energetic. She’s raw.

It’s exciting. I work up a sweat, crossing swords with her.

She’s not afraid to use her two hands for the sword. I need to, because Licht’s sword is quite long and heavy. I still can do surprise punches at times still.

I end up throwing her on the ground. I won that round.

She still has a well-embedded reflex of pulling out her handgun and pointing it at me.

I froze for a second. Zeslinry called her. Myls recovered her senses and lowered the weapon.

I wonder if Nightmare is having fun reading and playing with Myls’s mind because she’s always boiling and on edge like that lately? She wasn’t like that as a younger girl, years ago. She changed...

Still I shake hands with her. I even seize that chance to hug her. She froze for a second, all tensed, and then accepted it.

R - You’re strong Myls.

M - ...

R - Something has been on your mind lately? I mean, even before Nightmare used it against you?

She brushes me off, but not too aggressively.

M - I’ll be fine. I know my own paradoxes.

She’s really strong.

~