518. Doubts and Philosophy, 4

(Rose)

We’re friends no longer. We’re family now. Related by blood, and even more.

Despite everything I’ve felt, said and been through so far, I’m under shock from this.

The woman, or rather human-looking thing, now holding tenderly onto my arm as we walk, has triggered in a few words a trauma and reminder of all the wounds of my life.

The forbidden word at the core of my original, fundamental identity. The one word Bleue forced me moving on from.

Nightmare’s sadistic impulse is to tickle where it truly hurts. That’s how she’s been interacting with people for her whole life.

I swallow, painfully. I can’t speak right away.

R - I... My sisters and I...

Scarlett’s severe gaze and Elise’s mean laugh could remind me of a daiûa...

I sigh greatly. I’m hurt.

R - I have bittersweet memories... And if you bring me back that far, it can be a little painful.

Nightmare oddly doesn’t look amused or like she’s enjoying my sad answer. I expected to see some joy on her face at hurting me. Please, never say the name of the promise of my past. I’ve sworn to Bleue I would live on beyond that...

R - Blume, I’m not feeling well...

I feel dizzy. A burst of panic gets me. I’m falling down, gasping for air I can’t get. I’m passing out.

Nightmare holds me back, rather gently.

~

It’s all dark again. As if I was back in the other world below already. How come a single innocent word affect me like this? This much? I’m feeling murky and frail.

Blume appears. And Nightmare as well.

R - I know... I’m no fun when I feel defeated like this... Here we go again.

B - We know that mending and evolving aren’t always easy Rose.

N - Rose, I meant what I said.

A dark hand of fate is stretched toward me.

N - I don’t care about your past or what you’ve been through in your first life. I am happy to be now a human born alongside you. And I will support you as one of your own kind.

R - You’ve become too kind to be true.

The hand I didn’t accept is left hanging, and recedes.

Blume and Nightmare don’t need words to communicate.

B - You’re just back to how you felt before Magenta killed you... It’s not a loop, but a gap you have to overcome in how you feel about yourself.

R - What should I do?

N - I don’t know what your previous sisters used to tell you to cheer you up. I don’t care. Have you forgotten what we discussed before Blume returned?

I try to think... It’s hard. Conatus? Chaos?

B - It’s just a nightmare Rose. Your own nightmare.

Something does sound familiar there.

I jump and grab the offered dark hand, to lift me away from there.

~

In a blinding flash, I’m back to reality. I’m lying down in the grass, my head on Nightmare’s lap.

N - You had me worried for a moment.

R - What... happened to me?

N - A moment of panic I guess.

R - What you said to me, a moment before... Was it real?

N - I wasn’t in your mind, so no. Not this time.

A dream... I feel a little better, but still shocked and frail.

R - Nightmare... My relations with my sisters is a sensitive part of my past.

N - I see that. You could have died just now, just because of that.

R - Really?

N - We’re humans, but not older age humans now. As daiûas, if we decide for our mind to leave our body, it will happen eventually. You as well, with your experience of using T.I. If you don’t control yourself better, you will risk again losing your humanity, for good perhaps.

That was true when I used magic too much before. I understand I’m one step further naturally now. The gates in me can’t be shut down anymore. What I will, even if it’s the worst self-depreciation or even the will to die, it could bypass the limits of my human body to become reality, faster than before, like spells without control. It’s a worry I have to keep in mind...

As she tries to stand up, I hold onto her, scared.

R - I want to live.

N - Good.

R - And I...

I tear up, and clench my hands onto her. I fight tears and something heavy inside of me...

Watch me Bleue.

Watch me father...

Watch me manage to walk beyond whom I ever used to be.

R - Night, I would be happy to call you my sister.

I then let go and just cry my heart out over the shoulders of my puzzled new sister.

~

An hour later, we resumed walking, simply holding hands.

I made it, Bleue...

I’m breathing again.

Even smiling maybe.

N - I... Don’t quite understand.

R - I just managed to grow a new bud, beyond the old fences and wounds that stopped me from evolving thus far.

N - Bud...

R - Ah, that’s more for Blume. A new, wing, or limb, over an old wound.

N - What did your sisters do to you?

I can’t help but laugh, a little sadly, but still a laugh.

R - That’s a long story for another day, sister...

N - It will be fine Rose. I will help you.

I smile and hold onto that hand that is oddly quite like mine.

~

Around a campfire. Brambles and a rosebush have already begun sprouting out of my chest and over my back. Blume is definitely there alright.

Nightmare is acting relatively confident with her body. You wouldn’t guess she wasn’t human yesterday.

We sit next to each other, waiting for Morpheus while watching the fire.

R - In my moment of panic, I heard you say... That you were happy to be born alongside me.

N - I am. I did say it while I held your head down. To me, the word ‘’sisters’’ doesn’t mean anything emotional, unlike you. To you it seems purely emotional. So I’ve made a step toward you saying that.

R - Thank you, Night...

N - Just Night now?

R - What would you prefer me to call you? Nightmare? Nuit? Nacht? Notte?

N - Anything’s fine...

She shrugs it, trying to fall asleep.

R - I’ll be counting on you from now on you now... To keep me from harm...

N - Blume’s already on that from within you.

B - I wouldn’t let you venture on your reckless own Rose. Without me, you would burn yourself and die in less than two years.

R - Oh come on!

N - I see your point. Blume protects you from within, and I will have to protect the outside world from you.

R - Ey! That’s even worse! I think...

Unfortunately, my sister and my lover are birds of a feather. They can agree on one thing for sure, I’ll be in for some teasing from them...

But also, both of them hold my hands now, and the darkness away.

I think it’ll be fun.

~