Letting Go

We eventually decided to borrow Jacob’s ice skates when it turned out Max had an enormous foot size that could rival Bigfoot’s. “I may have miscalculated his shoe size a bit,” I snickered when Joey tried them on.

“A bit?!” He looked unamused.

When we finally arrived at the lake, Joey looked unsure of himself, so I asked him: “Do you still want to do this? If you’re not comfortable, we can go back to our room and chill instead.”

His expression immediately changed. “No, you were right. These are the perfect conditions for ice skating. If I don’t push through now, I might not ever have the guts to learn it." He started to put Jacob’s skates on. I followed his lead, slipping into my own. Joey had clearly made up his mind.

He waddled stiffly towards the ice. He immediately lost his balance when his feet hit the ice, so I rushed to his side. He was flailing his arms wildly.

“Jesus, Joey, you’re not a cartoon character! Calm down! The worst thing that can happen is that you'll fall on your ass,” I laughed as I grabbed one of his arms in an attempt to steady him.

“Not funny, Simon!” Panicking, he grabbed my arm with his other hand and desperately tried not to fall forward or backward. This -in practice- meant he was leaning on me with all of his weight. It would have been a cute moment if not for the fact that Joey was goddamn heavy.

“Okay, now keep your skates parallel,” I instructed him patiently. With some effort, he managed to steady himself. He moved his skates so they were parallel to each other. Finding his balance calmed him down and he managed to shift some of his weight off me.

I sighed in relief. “Now grab my hands. I’ll drag you along so you can get a feel for the ice. Is that okay with you?”

He was blushing fiercely and was clearly embarrassed by his lack of experience on the ice, but then he nodded. “O-okay, as long as you don’t let me go!”

I smiled softly. “I won’t.”

I will not lie; it was nice being the calm and collected one in the situation for once. I knew what I was doing. Last winter I had taught my sister how to ice skate. Joey’s wobbling on the ice reminded me of her. I also knew that it would not be long before Joey could ice skate on his own like my sister had, but I did feel guilty about how much glee it brought me, teaching him how to ice skate.

Joey slowly glided along as I started to skate backwards. “W-We’re moving!” He excitedly exclaimed. He was still a bit unsteady on his feet and was dangerously leaning forward, but he seemed to be losing his fear of the ice, which was already a step in the right direction.

“That’s the whole point,” I sniggered, but I was secretly glad to see him so happy. “Try to keep your back straight, okay? You’ll fall over if you keep hanging forward like that.”

He followed my advice with a fierce determination.

“Let’s try to make a turn. If you're going fast, it’s best to step over your foot that is pointed in the direction that you want to go in, but I don’t want you to fall, so, for now, it’s good enough if you point your feet in the direction you want to go in. It’s very similar to skiing,” I explained. “We’ll turn to your right -which is my left- in 1, 2, 3…”

The turn went okay and we practised a few more times before Joey could do it on his own. Then, we moved on to the explanation of how to go faster or slow down. “If you want to move quicker, you push your skates to the side one by one. You alternate between your left and right foot. Can I let go? I’ll show you.”

He nodded anxiously but managed to stay on his feet when I let his hands slip out of mine. I skated in a circle around him to show him how to gain speed. “Then, if you want to stop, you make a pyramid shape with your skates. See? Your toes are pointing towards each other. This method is the safest way to slow down.” I once again showed him.

“O-Okay, I’ll try," he stuttered. He started moving right away. His movements were not very balanced and his legs were particularly shaky, so I did what I had done when my sister started learning how to ice skate and put my hands on his back. (I would have put my hands on his shoulders, but Joey was a mountain of a man and I doubt it would have helped him feel more secure.)

A jitter crossed through his body. “Fuck, Simon! Could you warn me next time?!” He looked rather startled. Despite his fierce reaction, his skating became less shaky when he felt my hands on his back. It was not like my support was particularly needed; Joey was doing fine without me. Besides, if he fell, there was not much I could do... But my support seemed to help.

“I’m sorry, I should have told you first,” I apologized while encouragingly pushing him forward. “Is it helping, though?”

He smiled softly. “Yes, thank you.” And although Joey was anything but elegant on the ice, he gained confidence by the minute.

We skated together for a while and I could not keep myself from occasionally pushing my nose against his back to breathe in the faint smell of fresh pines, sharp spices and nauseatingly sweet ice cream. From where I was standing, I could not see Joey’s face, but he did not mind my touch. His wobbling and shaking completely disappeared as time went on.

Time appeared to be non-existent in this bubble of warmth and calmness we had created together. I was drifting in the softness of his coat, and if I tried hard enough, my ears could pick up on the harmonious rhythm of his heart. If I synchronised my breathing with him, maybe we would melt into each other, blending like watercolours to create the most wonderful shades and shapes together.

I wish this could last forever.

I was snapped out of my daydreaming by a particularly harsh and cold gust of wind. It made me shiver. Unfortunately, my job was not done yet; Joey had not yet skated on his own. Teaching had not been the hard part, but letting him go was. So, I reluctantly whispered: “Joey, I’m going to let go.” I did not get an answer, so I gave him one last push and watched him glide freely and without my help over the dark, frozen lake.