Pest Control: Part 1

We started doing quests together before the next school year started. We figured that some magic experience would be good going into classes. Naturally, starting as a Rank-F guild, we only had access to the safest quests that even the most inexperienced adventurers could take on. These were generally called ‘pest control quests’ and they were almost always available due to their lackluster rewards. Usually, even idiots couldn’t screw these types of quests up, but I’ll be damned if we didn’t try. The first quest we tried was killing giant rats in the basement of a local tavern.

“So, do you guys have rat problems often?”

“Yes, but it’s not because of sanitation problems. They just sort of ‘spawn’ there, and we don’t know why. These kinds of quests are basically part of our monthly expenses now.”

“That’s rather unlucky.”

“I know! We can’t even store anything down there anymore. If you find the source of it, we’ll pay you ten times the reward as a bonus.”

“Damn, really? We’ll make sure to keep an eye out. Are you ready, Zhāng?”

“Uhh… sure.”

We opened the basement door and Zhāng shrieked. The rats were quite large, a lot bigger than a nutria or even a beaver; their signature ribbed naked tails were as wide as a small snake and at least twice as long. There were several at the bottom of a small flight of stairs, and apparently they heard the shriek. The rats paused. They looked up. They started charging up the stairs! I slammed the doors shut as quickly as I could and put my wand through the door handles to block it from opening. The rats slammed against the doors, making them buckle with such force that my back half bounced in the air as I held on tight to the wand. Fortunately, the handles and my wand held them back. As the door opened slightly, a rat attempted to bite my hand. Listening to them slink back down the stairs in defeat almost felt like listening to large dogs moving. I looked back at Zhāng.

“Alright, they have one path to exit and we need to make sure they can’t get out. Do you have any ideas?”

“Your spells work pretty fast. You could use something to slick the stairs and stall them while I ready a stronger spell.”

“Maybe I could create some soapy water so that we’re also cleaning the stairs.”

“That might not be enough… ooh, what if we covered it in oil and set it on fire?”

“Wouldn’t that burn the stairs?”

“Yeah, I guess that would be bad. How do you want to handle the rats with your soapy water?”

“Maybe you could shock them.”

“Okay, mine is going to take a little more time than yours, but it’s going to be stronger. I’ll start my incantation while you make your soapy water.”

Zhāng began her incantation, a four-character-line poem about shocking rats. I also began my incantation.

“Can I get uhhh big puddle of slick soapy water on these stairs?”

“Sure thing, anything else?”

“That’ll be all.”

“Alright, coming up!”

I opened the hatch right as the incantation ended. The stairs were now slick with soapy water. The massive rats began to climb up. The first one started to stumble, but then the next one collided with it’s rear, pushing it up the stairs. Zhāng finished the incantation; the rats and the water were completely electrified. The fried rats slid down the slippery stairs like Japanese game show contestants. They had been defeated.

“Okay, I guess we can go down there now. Just be careful that you don’t slip.”

“Of course.”

“No, wait, I could just cast it away. Can I get uhhh- these stairs cleaned and dried?”

“Sure thing, anything else?”

“Can I also get the end of this wand to glow brightly for 10 minutes?”

“Of course, anything else?”

“That’ll be all.”

“Coming right up!”

“Wow, Grayson, you can do some very oddly specific things with your magic.”

“I know, it’s so convenient!”

We walked down the now-clean wooden stairs and I shone the “flashlight” I made around the room, looking for the cause of the rats. The basement was mostly empty, save for the bodies of the rats. Every wall was bare and covered with cobblestone. The floor was soft dirt with wooden boards. We couldn’t find anything that would create or attract the rats, so we just headed back up.

“Hey, we killed the rats. Do you want us to also take their bodies?”

“Oh, yes. You could get some money from the guild for them. I believe it’s 20 copper each.- and your reward.”

He gave us 2 silver coins.

“Oh wow, thanks!”

As we left, we were carrying the giant rats over our backs like sacks of potatoes, holding onto their tails. I needed to ask Zhāng about the currency.

“How much is 2 silver worth?”

“One silver coin is equal to 100 copper. You can get a pretty nice meal for 50 copper coins.”

“That’s not too bad for a couple of hours of work. Let’s split it 50/50.”

“Sounds good to me. Until we start getting better paying quests, we should probably keep our guild pretty small.”

So we went back to the guild, trading in our rats for a decent-sized pouch of copper coins. To celebrate our very first quest, we went to a tavern together. I wasn’t of legal drinking age in America, but apparently it’s lower in China. Zhāng was quite experienced already. My thoughts of “I’m only 20, should I?” were quickly replaced when a large mug of pilsner and a fried pork cutlet were brought out. The pork cutlet was crispy on the outside and delivered a powerful fatty umami flavor; there was a sauce similar to teriyaki that I could drizzle or dip. The pilsner was light, bitter, and had strong notes of wheat. It wasn’t exactly what I imagined beer would taste like, but it made for a refreshing pairing. As we were enjoying our meal, a European-looking man approached, looking to join us.

“Hello, I’m kind of new to this world. Would you mind if I joined you?”

“Oh, sure! I’m Grayson Brown, from America. I’m new here as well. What’s your name?”

“I’m Albert Buschmann, from Germany. Does the place we came from matter here for some reason?”

An inebriated Zhāng chuckled a little bit.

“Oh, so you’re NEW new here; yes it does. It matters a lot, especially when casting magic spells. This is Zhāng, she’s from China.”

“Hiya! Want something to eat, German boy?”

Zhāng was already three mugs deep.

“She’s a little drunk right now, but if you need a meal, we can buy. The money in your wallet’s no good here, after all.”

“So they don’t take Barclaycard?”

Zhāng and I both chuckled. I bought him a meal with some of our copper. We were pretty much down to our silver coins from that day’s quest. For the rest of the night, we explained as much about the world as we knew. Of course, not that we were experts ourselves. We talked about the town, the magic, the guild system, and the academy.

“That’s kind of crazy, Fyodor Dostoyevsky, the author of War and Peace, is a professor?”

“Yes. And I’m sorry, but that’s Crime and Punishment.”

“My mistake, must be the pilsner.”

Zhāng, having finished her meal and several mugs of pilsner, started nodding off. I took both of them to the Magic Research Academy and got Albert a room. Making plans to meet for breakfast, we crashed for the night.