Winter Festival Pt. 5

After learning to keep her balance, Illia's skating prowess grew exponentially, turning Cress's heart green. Over the course of forty-five minutes the woman who had looked like a newborn giraffe was gliding across the ice like a figure skater, proving years of practice were sometimes nothing in the face of natural talent. Just admitting it to herself made Cress's ears burn and by the time they needed to return their skates, Cress was more than happy to be finished.

"Okay, okay," Cress grumbled as Illia slid to a halt in front of her. "I get it. You're amazing. Hooray."

"Your words mirror my eyes, Cress. Have I made you jealous somehow?"

"You didn't. I'm just tired and… Fine, I'll admit, seeing you get so good so quickly embarrasses me. I thought this would be the one thing I'd be better at than you."

"I could only come this far thanks to your tutelage. Were it not for you, I would have refrained from even attempting such an exhilarating activity."

"I'm glad you had fun," Cress said, her envy giving way. "And thank you for… earlier. I'm sorry I made you stand there awkwardly with me."

"There is no need to apologize. It was…" Illia turned before finishing. "We should return these accursed boots before the sloven salesman demands more payment."

The pair skated side by side across the pond, slowly following behind a small group of children. The sun was beginning to dim and they needed to meet with Vianna and Ian.

"Or maybe we don't. I enjoyed skating with just Illia and watching the tree lighting alone together would be romantic."

Cress swallowed hard and buried her face in her mittens. She couldn't help but feel like she was being too forward with Illia, especially when there was no future between them. But why did it matter? Wouldn't it be enough to be by each other's sides until they found her a way home? She had never been as confident as she'd been since meeting Illia; she felt like a normal person. Why would she be afraid of a spider if she wasn't afraid of Illia?

It was a flawed comparison and she knew she'd never be completely over her fear, but for the first time in her life, it was truly manageable. Thanks to the cold weather and Illia's ability to ward off her kind, her life had been spider free (sans Illia) so she had no way of knowing. She could only hope that whatever progress she felt she'd made would last once Illia was gone.

"Is that why I'm acting like this? Am I confusing appreciation for love? No, that's not it. Even if this feeling isn't 'love', it's more than just admiration."

After returning the skates, Cress checked her phone. Vianna had text her ten minutes prior to meet at a library serving free hot chocolate so they could stay warm while they waited for dusk. The ceremony was scheduled to start ten minutes after sunset though Cress wasn't sure exactly when that was. That's what Vianna was for. She was the meticulous group planner who accounted for everything, even Kirian's flippant moods.

Tension lingered between the pair on their walk to the library. For her own part, Cress couldn't help but wonder if she'd been too forward with Illia. She had no romantic experience to speak of and has always believed that it was unfair to ask someone to deal with her emotional baggage. She'd had a few crushes that she'd never acted on, leaving her romantic know-how to come from Kirian or dating sims. Living vicariously through Kirian or fawning over fictional lovers meant she would never have to feel guilty about her frequent panic attacks or accidentally causing a scene due to an uninvited eight-legged visitor. But with Illia, none of that mattered. With Illia, she saw a different future, one where she had someone to stand hand in hand with her regardless of her mental health challenges. She couldn't bear the thought of losing that person.

"I wish I knew if she felt the same way! I've been doing all the things they do in my romance shows and she's not reacting at all. Is this some type of gap-moe nonsense where she acts all cool and nonchalant but what is secretly head over heels for me? Or what if it's the opposite?! I hate this. Does everyone feel this anxious about dating? Maybe I should just be direct."

"Hey, Illia," Cress said, fidgeting with her fingers inside her mitten. "Can I ask you something?"

"It's times like this that I'm always screaming at the characters to stop beating around the bush and just confess, so I can't make the same mistake. I refuse to let there be a miscommunication where she thinks I don't like her when I do!"

"You know I am happy to fulfill your requests. What bothers you?"

Cress stopped in the center of the sidewalk earning her several annoyed looks as the dwindling number of festival goers passed by. "What do you think of me?"

"Think of you?" Illia tilted her head. "I believe you are a resolute young woman who brings joy to those around her."

"Dammit! That's not what I meant! This always happens in the shows too. I bet if I ask if she likes me she'll say 'Of course' because she thinks I mean platonically!"

"T-Thanks. But that's not what I meant."

Illia looked over her shoulder at Cress and extended her hand. Her elongated fingers beckoned Cress closer until she gave in and took it. Together they resumed their journey while Cress struggled to think of how to pressure Illia into a clearer answer.

"You're tense, Cress. Would it comfort you if I said I understood your intent?"

"Then… was that your answer?" Cress choked down the bubble of disappointment swelling within her.

"Cress…" Illia's fingers squeezed Cress's hand. They covered almost twice the area of her hand, completely encompassing it like a second, stiffer mitten. "I cannot give you the answer you desire."

A dry lump formed in Cress's throat that she couldn't swallow away no matter how many times she tried. Maybe that was why they were never direct about their feelings in shows. Feeling her heart tear in two while holding her crush's hand was strangling and she wanted to run and hide in the nearest dumpster. A familiar, uncomfortable dizzy fog enshrouded her mind and she absently tried to fish in her purse for her medication. She would rather die than rely on Illia's magic immediately after being rejected.

"I'm a fucking idiot. I really thought maybe… What did I really think? That she'd feel the same way and we'd live happily ever after? That she'd give up on trying to go home and stay with me? I was an idiot for thinking this would make me feel better. I would have been better off dreaming of what-ifs for the rest of my life."

"Our destination is nearby, is it not?"

"Yeah," Cress said quietly, pulling her hand away from Ilia's. "It's that brightly lit building with the big glass doors up ahead on the right. They're lighting the tree across the street."

That was the end of their conversation. Cress was too anxious to try and talk about something else, while Illia… she couldn't tell. The woman's face was a blank slate. Even her small facial tics were absent, leaving Cress to wonder if she cared about her feelings at all. No twitches, tics, or head tilts… just nothing.