The State of the Natural World |Year 2031: Fion |

“Hey Fion, how have your studies been?”

“…”

No answer from him again. “I know it’s late and it's difficult for you, but you have to keep this up. I say this a lot, but going to college is the best choice you have, grandson. I wish it were different, but I’m too old to be working anymore. It is just too much for me, especially because of my condition. I wish I could provide more for us with my retirement money. I’m sure you are long tired of my homestyle cooking by now and living with constant budgeting.”

“Hahaha. Like that would ever happen, your food is great!"

 Despite what I said, I still saw her worn expression. You don’t need to worry about me, grandma. I’m fine.”

“The reason I tell you to study all the time is because I worry. If you could make an honest living just like Thrisa, your mother, I’d be so happy.”

“Yeah I know the story, I’ll become a doctor and I’ll be going to bed soon, right after this. Love you. Good night.”

I soon finish up writing my essay and reading through my final textbook and stumble into bed. I should really get up to brush my teeth and prepare to sleep, but my brain is convinced that would be too much work. My bed is a tad too small and way too hard and when I sleep with my arms and legs spread out I hit the wall on my left.

I fall asleep. I go to school. I come home. I study. I fall asleep. I go to school. I come home. I fall asleep.

It's weird. I am actually quite proficient at learning and studying, but I still live like this. If I cared, I could finish understanding and retaining a textbook of any difficulty in five hours. I never needed to study when I was younger and even now I am ahead of my peers and can pass any tests I am presented with easily.

I just couldn’t handle my grandmother’s eyes, which were filled with gentle worry and her comments of concern when she would see me doing nothing in my room every day. Although my grades are great, my grandmother believes that is not all there is to being a doctor. I can remember her clearly, like she is talking to me currently.

“Your mother, Thrisa, was a great doctor Fion, and she got there through great effort. She would study day and night, and she would pay to go to cram school as well. She took many hours and shifts at our local hospital and she would power through her work with a smile and strength. She was able to do so much work for herself and others because she was disciplined. I am a little worried, Fion about how you don’t work as hard as your mom. Will you be ok on your journey?”

I always appreciate hearing about my mother. The absent woman in my life who died when I was two. I slightly wish I could know more about the person my grandmother loved so much. My grandmother had seen my mother become a doctor and in her eyes, I was not applying myself enough to do the same. It used to be difficult for me to study. I have no urgency to study because I am never going to fail any of my classes and I also don’t have much desire to over-succeed or even learn about the world. The reason I study is to be “normal” and study like any aspiring doctor would. The other reason I study is to keep my eerie and numb brain occupied. Learning high level medicine or biology for the first time was just engaging enough not to feel apathetic.

Still even while studying, the dullness I feel brings me pain. I do nothing and am nothing. Studying can suck because it feels like it doesn’t accomplish anything physical in this world, but keeping my mind distracted is slightly better than the other forms of drifting I used to do daily. It is my fear that I am certain to die like this without having ever lived a full or real life. I persevered more so than lived until I was starting my first year of college a bit more than a year later. I was still living with my grandmother when I walked back through the outskirts of our apartment complex. On my walk home, I was thinking about nothing. I could only compare it to pointless mush that I could forget in a day. I heard before I spotted an ambulance nearby, with medical staff on the staircase up to our floor, right there it inched and pulled itself into my mind. The fear pulled its way all throughout my head. They couldn’t be here for that reason, no not for that reason, I was fully afraid of being strikingly right. It was hard to get into our apartment with the four medical staff present in the way. I walked in on the somber mood and whispering. I looked around and saw her on the floor and emotionally crumbled and dropped to the floor myself.

Why? Grief and two streams stormed my face as I held her hand. I was lost with myself for multiple minutes until a healthcare worker put his hand on my shoulder.

“You weren’t replying to words. I take it you need a moment. We are all going to leave here except for one person. They will be sure to help you with what comes next.”

“No, I don’t want that. Just tell me what happened.”

“She passed away from natural causes, don’t worry, it wasn’t painful. She managed to call us on the phone shortly before that happened. We were much too far away to arrive in time. We are greatly sorry.”

“Could everyone leave me alone for a long moment?”

Natural? No, this must be from complications of living with Rheumatoid Arthritis and caring for me by herself. Nothing about this was natural; don’t you dare use that flawed word. If this were natural, it would mean that this makes sense and that this is justified by the unwritten law of the world. If this were really natural, it wouldn’t have been my fault. She never even got to see me become a doctor after everything she’s done.

I should have started to get the money needed for better treatment, physical therapy, or surgery when I was younger, maybe when I was as young as ten. With more money we could have come up with better solutions, so she wouldn’t have to work as hard physically as well. No, that’s overwhelming hindsight bias. Just because it was my fault doesn’t mean that I had any viable choices to prevent this. That is all an illusion, a play set up strictly to soothe the brain. I would always have been too naive to prevent this. In a way this must have always been destined to happen. This world is wrong. This world isn’t natural. Nothing about this world was ever meant for me. I never asked for this!

What do I do? Someone tell me. What if I were to walk away from this dreary place? I choose a new destination and leave to never come back. I have no family or anyone left here as attachments anyway. Before I can do that, I should really ask myself what it means to walk away from the world? Of course in the end there is nothing but the world. The world I know. The world that I live in. I don’t know. Someone help. Somebody.

“No one is coming to save you.” My brain said to me clearly and callously.

I already understand that useless no life, but right now my body just keeps on feeling foggy and half-alive. Perhaps, it is true. No one wants to save me and more importantly, no one can. I lost what little mattered and I was bound to lose more. My security was threatened and the result was that I could end up on the streets soon. It is economically impossible for me to afford the payments for my apartment or my college loans. I was told by the landlord in a letter that I had 24 days left of rent before I had to leave.

I was screwed. The last money I have was spent on medical expenses, a cremation service for my grandmother, and some bread and beans. My living situation was under pressure and I could care less to change it or attend class. What is the difference if I am living out there or inside this useless place? The world is still the same and I am still encompassed fully in it. Ugh, that was a lie. There is a difference; at least in my apartment, I can sleep for days as I please without being interrupted by weather, the time of day, or people.

I got up again midday, famished and drained. It could be because I hadn’t eaten or drunk anything in the last twenty-nine hours, who knows? I was more than broke, so I glanced around my room for anything to pawn off or sell. I was instantly reminded of the inflated sum I paid for my college textbooks and I started picking them out and putting them in a bag. I reached the end of my bookshelf and picked out the last one, a smaller book. It looks like a novel? Where did this come from? I’ve never read anything for fun only out of necessity. I glanced at the comic book letters of Zombie Saga One. What or when? Oh, I remember buying this book when I was at the age of nine and eventually I must have stopped reading it before placing it here.

I honestly cannot remember many memories from my childhood and I suddenly realized how lost I was, even when it came to myself. I paused and couldn’t help wondering what I was like when I was younger. It could start here by figuring out what I liked when I was younger. My hunger was no deterrent as I flipped through the first pages. I was struck by this book and I took my time reading because for some reason this story was amazing and unlike anything I’ve swarmed my mind with as a drifter.

The pictures and scenery were vivid, cutting, and gritty. I saw myself in the characters and became one with the characters as they faced great loss throughout every event and difficulty in the story. And still, despite what they faced, I was quietly stunned as to how they kept pushing on and moving forward. It shouldn’t come to mind, but their world is weirdly beautiful. It is definitely terrible and scary, but the trade is for the bad parts about humanity and the old world to be gone. All that mattered for the characters was their will to survive and with that, they made the choice to only look to the future. The overall plot of surviving and searching for a home to call their own was a masterpiece. I stirred in my bed as I read the climax of them finally building the home they desired. That was the last page and it had been hours since I first picked up the book. I felt my mind prodding me to read it again and again and I found myself craving the freedom you could have in a world like that.

I suppose you could say that book was life changing. Afterwards, I sold my textbooks and went shopping to get some food. I then made my apartment more tidy and then I set out to get a job. I didn’t really have much time left, only 19 more days till I was kicked out of my apartment.

I put on the best outfit I had in my wardrobe and set out to try for some research or medical-based job interviews because this would teach me more about what I needed to know. I didn’t have a single qualification or any amount of work experience in my arsenal, so I failed interview after interview. After failing like a fool for 3 days and already growing painfully bored, I hatched an idea to take advantage of our human nature and get a job despite appearing to have lost. For where there are humans, there is always some angle or some weakness to create and consume.

The reason I am failing my interviews is that I am appearing as a bad candidate in the vacuum of a one on one interview. However, if I were in a group interview, I wouldn’t be alone and I could exploit, crush, and demonstrate my skill over the other applicants there throughout the technical process to show that I am actually the best candidate for them when it comes to results, knowledge, and doing the work.

I failed implementing my strategy the next day and was given nothing. I was too nervous and failed to execute perfectly in the tests and two interviews I was given. The second attempt I chose carefully, another start-up that I could apply for in my country of Argentina. This company has a desperate need for qualified, but preferably unproven help to establish their niche and position in the research and medical field. At DCD Research, I could display my brilliance and feigned use to my overlords.

Despite my preparation, I knew something was up when I walked in on the correct day and sensed the unspoken competition from the over 100 applicants there. There was no more room for error, I had to take my lessons from the first time and show what I was made of. We each submitted our applications and materials to be reviewed. Then, we were all split up into five different rooms for a verbal screening session. The verbal screening does not have much impact as long as you do not demonstrate that you are a terrible match or an idiot of a person. I said some simple statements about my motivations and my expertise and moved on while the proctors took some minor notes.

Afterwards I was seated with 20 other people in a room with seating and tables lined up almost like a classroom. Each seating arrangement had a thick booklet of materials we were expected to answer. The proctors stated that we had four hours of time to manage and complete four sections, a problem solving section based on an example research problem, a subject test on the combined areas of biology, microbiology, and chemistry, a writing test for outlining a research proposal, and a general logic and analytical test. We were given five minutes to look through and bring up questions. A couple hands rose and spoke their concerns on the overwhelming amount of material we were expected to solve in four hours. All the proctors said as a response was that there were four sections in the test and that time management was needed to finish on time. 

Idiots. Of course, they wouldn’t reveal the unspoken idea that everyone needed to find on their own. Do not default to cheating either. In this scenario, for almost everyone observing your neighbor will do no good. The lost will only be looking to the lost. The only way to properly manage our time would be to properly complete the three sections you were best at and to sacrifice one to be graded as a zero. Using this method, you could maximize your score because it would be impossible for any regular person to even make a mediocre attempt in all four categories. The scoring criteria is vague and next to non existent, but it could definitely be assumed that four lacking sections would be worse in score than 3 good sections because in this case you would have demonstrated mastery of zero total sections in that case.

I started quietly laughing to myself. With this in mind, all I need to do is perfectly complete all four sections against their unspoken directions and I will most likely have the best score out of everyone. Would it be difficult?

The clock started its movement and I executed my skills. I had already memorized most of the packet from my allowed first scan through the pages and what I didn’t memorize, I could quickly read. Because of this, I didn’t need time to read directions or even questions, so I could automatically fill in the answers to the multiple choice questions or begin writing sections immediately. The science subject tests are very straightforward and I dumped my knowledge straight out to finish in 40 minutes. The logic test took 45 minutes because I was warming up my mental visualizations and speed. Most of the time I spent on these sections was on filling in the 150 multiple choice circles and double checking my writing, language, and thinking. The other two tests took the greater part of my time, but I was able to finish them in two hours because I was used to reading and reproducing all kinds of research proposals and the problem solving was elementary because my brain was roaring and immersed by the last section.

After I was done with my test, I put my head down to get some sleep, but I was eventually awoken by a curious proctor who asked if I was done so he could take my test. I told him that was fine and he walked away with the packet and quickly scanned through it until I saw his casual expression fix into disbelief. He called over the rest of the proctors and they debated over the paper the rest of the time until the test ended.

It’s logical that after enduring a four hour test, we were given a fifteen minute break to relax and regenerate before the final section. I was pulled out of this break by the proctors to learn that I was really wrong. The average that most people could fill out in four hours was two and a half sections, not three. They had only ever seen a few tests with 3 sections that were truly good and completing all four parts of the test was thought to be impossible unless you had an answer key with you. They reviewed all of my multiple choice questions to be correct and they said that my writing was excellent, concise, and practical. I had been given a pass on the second test and was chosen to be hired immediately after we discussed my terms and expectations.

Having joined during an early stage of DCD Research’s creation I had to work the needs of the company rather than my own, but I played my time and used the steady payments every two weeks to address my needs of moving to a new crappy apartment, because it felt too dishonorable to my grandmother to continue with everything in my childhood home with all I was bound to do for my dream. A year passed, and I had succeeded in working my role and vision to an undeniable extent, and so my project proposal for creating a synthetic virus with modifications for study was supported by the board.