Chapter 19:
Error 404: Language Not Found
There are many kinds of scientists in the world.
Some discover vaccines.
Some study black holes.
And some—armed with a clipboard, an ego, and a disturbing amount of free time—choose to spend their life analyzing a zip-tied boy in a llama costume because a small town in North Carolina declared him public property.
Dr. Leonard H. Fogsbottom was the latter kind.
A decorated academic, award-winning self-publisher, and former substitute chemistry teacher, Dr. Fogsbottom was invited by the mayor to examine Kaito Sasaki after a brief town-wide vote (3 in favor, 1 against, 2 abstained due to wrestling practice).
Fogsbottom’s research was extensive.
He poked.
He prodded.
He wrote down words like “probable brain steam” and “elbow magnetism.”
And after a full hour of “deep scientific examination” (and two Slim Jim breaks), he released his most famous publication to date:
“The Man from Uranus: A Groundbreaking Study of the Alien Specimen Discovered in the Greater Freedomville Metro Area”
(Revised Edition – Now With More Arrows and Pictures)
It was published in all major scientific publications.
And today, dear reader, I will read you a small part of it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The subject’s physiology is unusual. His limbs are long and appear to be assembled from leftover noodles and adolescent hesitation. His midsection, when tapped with a spoon, emitted a soft echo—proof, we believe, of hollow bones or emotional damage.
Close inspection revealed two layers of what we classify as “skin”:
An outer layer, resembling llama fiber or possibly eco-fur.An inner layer, pinkish and prone to shivering under scrutiny.We believe the outer layer is either:
A form of seasonal protective molting, or a layer designed for intergalactic-travel comfort(clothing from similar materials now available at participating farm supply stores).
He lacks musculature, posture, and resistance to tickling.
This suggests that Uranians may be a passive species, bred for sarcasm rather than survival.
The subject demonstrated rudimentary language skills, mostly in English and Japanese, though sometimes interrupted by what we call “emotional buffering.”
When asked to identify his mission, the subject stated:
“I don’t have a mission. I’m not even an alien.”
This denial was consistent and repeated, which—as any parent will tell you—is the universal indicator of guilt.
Furthermore, the subject struggled to name basic Earth concepts such as:
1."How taxes work”The latter makes the subject visibly uncomfortable and aggressive.
From this, we conclude that either:
He is very young for his species, or his brain is shaped like an IKEA instruction manual.
When presented with basic Latin, he attempted to flee the interview.
When presented with ranch dressing, he screamed.
During questioning, the subject repeatedly stated that he “just wanted to go home,” which we interpret as a rejection of America’s hospitality.
When asked to identify his government, he responded,
“There is no government. Everything fell apart.”
Which we interpret as Uranians embracing a "woke" agenda that may have led to the end of their world and the fleeing of our subject.
The following is a snippet from an interview between the subject and Dr. Fogsbottom.
Dr. Fogsbottom: State your name for the record.
Subject: Kaito Sasaki. I’m not an alien.
Dr. Fogsbottom: Interesting. Refers to self-using human vocal patterns. Possible attempt at mimicry. May indicate mimic species or deep delusion.
Subject: What?
Dr. Fogsbottom: Fascinating. The “What” response. A known evasive maneuver among cosmic infiltrators.
Subject: No, I mean—what are you writing down?
Dr. Fogsbottom: Skepticism. Defensive. Classic pre-hatching behavior.
Subject: There is no hatching. I am not a space egg!
Dr. Fogsbottom: (not writing) Note: Denial of egg phase confirms egg phase. Possibly in mid-shell crisis.
Dr. Fogsbottom: How did you arrive on Earth?
Subject: I fell. Out of a zeppelin. Long story.
Dr. Fogsbottom: Ah. Air-drop strategy. Paratrooper ancestry is likely. Add to theory: Uranus military = weak but persistent.
Dr. Fogsbottom: Are you capable of intergalactic travel?
Subject: No! I barely survived a Zeppelin trip!
Dr. Fogsbottom: "Survived" = key term. Subject implies familiarity with prior cosmic trauma. Possibly battle-scarred. Possibly divorced.
Dr. Fogsbottom: What are your people’s values?
Subject: Same as yours, since I am human. Not dying? Eating sometimes? Basic stuff?
Dr. Fogsbottom: Excellent. Translation: Uranian society prioritizes consumption and survival over higher ideals. Suggests deeply capitalist roots. Aligns with local voting trends. Subject may be a fiscal moderate.
Dr. Fogsbottom: Last question. If you could say one thing to humanity, what would it be?
Subject: Please stop zip-tying me to things.
Dr. Fogsbottom: Beautiful. A metaphor for mankind’s overreliance on physical restraint as a stand-in for emotional control. This will be printed on a commemorative mug.
Final Classification
This entity—tentatively identified as “Kaito Sasaki” (an obvious pseudonym)—should be considered:
Not dangerousNot inspiringNot symmetricalBut perhaps… profitable.
We therefore propose:
1.Continued observation
2.Occasional photography
3. Branding Strategies
The subject shall remain on public display unless otherwise claimed by an intergalactic embassy, celebrity agent, or the Discovery Channel.
Please log in to leave a comment.