Swimming in Winter

As they sat on the couch, the silence between them wasn’t heavy—but it was full. Full of the words left unspoken, and the feelings they could no longer avoid.

Kika was worriedly eyeing Kotae’s wound as she gathered the courage to speak first.

“How’s your cut doing?”

“As you left it.”

They both chuckled.

“You know… I really... I really didn’t mean that,” Kika said softly.

Kotae glanced over. “Mean what?”

She paused, then spoke honestly, meeting his eyes.

“You know... when I said I’m done waiting. I was very upset, and it came out wrong. It’s just... I hate the fact that I can’t get to you.”

“I’m standing here, next to you,” Kotae said softly. “You already got to me, didn’t you?”

Kika smiled, a little, her lips trembling.

“You know what I mean.”

“I know,” he nodded. “But you really did get to me. There’s not one person in this world I’ve spent half the time with that I’ve spent with you. Even half of the half. Doesn’t that mean something?”

“It means everything.”

She took a breath, and her tone shifted—more heartfelt, more vulnerable.

“But... I want to be able to do more for you. Your pain makes me suffer too, you know? And pain, when shared, is much easier to withstand. And I’m not talking about my pain. I’d like to be able to ease yours. This is what I meant.”

Kika paused again, then continued.

“I’m not done waiting. I’ll never be. As long as you need, I’ll keep trying. But I think it’s fair for me to be emotional about it sometimes.”

Kotae looked at her, deeply, and replied with a softness that matched hers.

“It’s... more than fair. I can’t overlook you going over these lengths for me, always. What you said that night cut deep. You’re the only person in the world I ever had expectations from. In that moment it felt like you broke that, whether you meant it or not.”

He leaned back a little, his voice lowering.

“I reacted that way because... underneath this ice, when it comes to you—and only you—I truly do care. More than you realize. That’s what you need to understand.”

His eyes softened as he continued.

“And you, just by being there… just by breathing the same air as me… have done more than you can imagine to ease the pain through everything. And you need to know this.”

Kika's tears had started falling again—quietly, steadily. But this time, not from suffering.

This time, from happiness.

They sat quietly for a few minutes, the silence between them gentle rather than heavy. Then, Kika broke it with a soft breath and a softer voice.

“You know... I feel selfish for having made you worry about me and have to have this discussion,” she said, “even though I'm... so glad we did.” Her eyes lowered briefly. “In between thinking about us, something else that pressed me really hard was how you felt about what happened that day... And my biggest regret is sparking this bridge between us right when I should’ve just shut up and been there—with my presence. How are you... holding up?”

Kotae leaned back slightly, eyes thoughtful.

“I won’t say I’m fine this time,” he admitted. “I’m not exactly fine, but I also had a lot of time on my hands to reflect on it—you know, with the world ending and everything.”

Kika chuckled softly.

“If I killed a man, it would probably be much worse—still, maybe he won’t be able to use that leg again. That does sit with me, whether he deserved it or not. What also bugs me is how faith is playing funny with us. Moments before that encounter, we felt relieved that we could still find trustworthy people in these times... and just like that, the universe shatters it right in our faces. It’s not a great feeling.”

Kika reached out and gently placed her hand over his. Her eyes met his with quiet conviction.

“You did what you had to,” she said. “I won’t sit here and tell you not to feel a certain way about it—but just know that I’m proud of you for controlling yourself enough in such a tense situation that you didn’t kill the man. I think your choice was the only choice. And I know how much responsibility that makes you bear—but I’m here, okay? Just know it. Whatever you need, whenever you need it.”

Kotae gave an appreciative smile, a bit of the tension in his shoulders loosening.

Kika continued, her tone shifting with a tinge of dark humor.

“It kills me too that life wants to be funny like that—as if everything wasn’t already bad. Right now... I don’t even know how to take it. But I thought about something weird.”

She paused, her expression quirking.

“Think about humans like mushrooms.”

Kotae chuckled.

“Mushrooms?”

“Mushrooms,” she repeated with a nod. “You know how you need knowledge and experience—and have to be careful—when you pick mushrooms? Some are poisonous. If you naively eat the wrong one, you’ll end up dead. But if you pick the right ones, the good ones... they’ll nourish you.”

“So we should look on the bright side?” he asked, teasing gently.

“Not really, no.” Kika smiled, small but warm. “We can barely call anything a bright side these days. But... it doesn’t mean we should stop trying to pick mushrooms. We just need to pick the right ones. That will do us better than dying of hunger.”

Kotae looked at her, his expression softening.

“I love how your mind works sometimes.”

Kika’s smile lingered—quiet, but full of warmth.

Kotae glanced at her with a playful glint in his eyes.

“So, mushroom head,” he teased, “what do you wanna do today?”

Kika blinked, amused. “What do you mean?”

“I mean…” he leaned back slightly, gesturing vaguely toward the window, “this isn’t a zombie apocalypse, is it?”

“Thankfully, no.”

They both chuckled, the air lightening between them.

“I think this is the perfect opportunity to let off some steam,” Kotae said. “Maybe go outside. We’ve been stuck in here for a week now, and I’m not sure that’s great for our mental. Obviously.”

“Obviously,” Kika echoed with a quiet laugh.

Kotae nodded, half-serious. “Now that I’ve let off those shots, I feel weirdly more comfortable about going out there. Like, if danger comes at us—I feel like I can keep us safe.”

He paused, smirking. “Now, if ten people show up with a tank and machine guns, it’d be a teeny tiny bit harder to manage.”

That got a full laugh from both of them.

“I just…” Kotae looked toward the door, voice softening. “I’m not sure if we should spend our last year stuck in a room, barely surviving. It doesn’t mean we need to jog around the block every day, but maybe—just sometimes—we could live, too.”

Kika’s eyes met his, warm with something that looked a lot like hope.

“I love the sound of that,” she said gently. “I’m down. Where should we go?”

“I feel like swimming,” Kotae said suddenly, leaning back with a contemplative sigh.

Kika looked at him as if he’d grown a second head. “In winter?”

“Yes. Is that crazy?”

“Totally.”

Kotae shrugged. “Well, the weather isn’t that bad, is it? It’s up fifteen degrees from last week, somehow. I don’t think we’d die from hypothermia or whatever. Even a quick five-minute swim would do the job.”

Kika chuckled, shaking her head in disbelief. “You only live once, right? Let’s do it.”

“That would be a serious road trip though…”

Before either of them could say more, the door creaked open. Kotae’s father stepped inside, grinning. “What is it, two hours away? Let’s do it. We all need it.”

Kotae shot him a look, half amused, half confused. “You’ve been… listening?”

His father smirked. “No, not for the past hour, I haven’t. Just this minute—I was wondering where your guys’ heads were at and if we should come out. We’ve been holding ourselves hostage,” he added with a light chuckle.

The room filled with soft laughter.

“Mom, do you wanna go?”

His mother’s voice echoed cheerfully from the back of the room. “Kika, come here and choose one! There are some new swimsuits I didn’t get the chance to wear yet—I think they could fit you!”

That moment made it real. They were really doing this.

Kika disappeared into the room, returning a few minutes later with a simple white swimsuit in hand. Linda chose a black one for herself. The two girls got ready while Kotae and his father changed into their swim trunks and prepared what they could: bottled water, a couple of sodas, snacks scavenged from the early days of the collapse, and two large blankets to lay on.

They packed everything neatly into the car.

And just like that—no plans, no second-guessing—they drove off, chasing something that almost felt like life again.