The Death, the lens and a conversation

I think that was one of the last ‘clicks’ of the puzzle.
In a strange way, we’d both taken in each other’s words, even if they were, well, in our cryptic way of speaking.

[After everything… I guess I should be more direct with her.]

I assume you’ve seen the movie 500 Days of Summer—remember the part where Tom walks through the city like he’s in some idyllic fever dream?
No doubt, that’s how I looked going down the shop stairs toward the café.

From outside, I could see Sayo. She’d chosen a table by the window—I would’ve picked one in the back. Personal quirks, I guess.
She didn’t see me come in; she was too busy braiding and unbraiding her hair. It didn’t seem like an anxious tic, more like a personal habit.
Not that I could know without asking, and her hair wasn’t the topic I’d come to discuss anyway.

Napkin?” Sayo asked, leaving her hair braided, trying not to laugh as she looked at me.

“Huh?”

“I mean, if you keep smiling like that, you’re gonna drool on the floor, and someone might slip.”

I touched my face on reflex. Yeah, I was smiling—hadn’t noticed. “Don’t exaggerate…”

“I’m guessing something good happened.”

“One way to put it…” I said, sitting down. I signaled the waitress for coffee. “Is this where I should switch to a worried face?”

“Why do I feel like you’re looking at me like I’m a villain or something?” she asked, taking the spoon from her cup and holding it up in front of me.It was like an art class—you know, when they make you measure proportions with a pencil before drawing.

I expected her to say more, but she waited until the waitress brought my coffee to continue. I could’ve spoken, but I didn’t know what questions to ask.

“Not like a villain, Sayo. I just have a weird feeling about what you’re gonna say.”

“Weird in a bad way, right?”

“Yeah…” I said, though admitting it didn’t feel good. I was speculating. If I were in her shoes, I wouldn’t like people assuming things about me either.

“Can I ask why?”

“Well… your hands.” I nodded toward them, watching as she still held the spoon in front of me. “They don’t shake.”

“Wanna analyze the approximate percentage of people whose hands don’t shake?” she asked, placing the spoon back in her cup. She stirred her coffee without ever touching the inner edges.

“I want to know what you did, Sayo, because I can guarantee your hands were why you were on that bridge the other day.”

“One of the reasons, among other things, yes.”

“Just explain it already, will you? I feel like you’re stalling on purpose,” I said, taking a sip of my coffee. I’d forgotten to add sugar, but that bitter, dry taste might’ve matched how this conversation was going.

“An incurable problem, a pre-planned life I didn’t choose, and the feeling that I don’t belong anywhere—don’t you think that’d be a good reason to choose… to die?”

“I can’t say it wouldn’t…”

“There you go, see? A stranger on a rainy night trying to talk me out of it, letting me clear my head at his place for no reason other than ‘because.’”

“Don’t paint me as a savior. I already told you.”

“When Aranara found me—well, more like just appeared in front of me—I guess she thought I was like you,” she said, picking up the spoon again to point at me.

“Someone with no attachment to life.”

“Exactly. But even though I thought she was right, both she and I were wrong.”

“In other words?”

“Even though dinner at your place was… kinda weird, like you said, I can’t deny I went home almost smiling like you. Without the drool, obviously.”

“Okay, I think I see where you’re going…”

“But on the way home…” she said, cutting me off. “The other Aranara—you know her, right? The one in the gray Montgomery.”

“Don’t compare Aranara to her,” I exhaled. I wasn’t mad, just saw no point of comparison between the two.

“My bad.”

“Forgiven.”

“Well, she just offered me a deal. I assume she did the same with you, though…” she continued. “That’s where our paths split.”

“I refused… you accepted,” I muttered, already trying to imagine what that deal entailed in my head.

[But what did you give up in return?]

“Exactly, Eiji. That’s why you’re looking at me like that, isn’t it? You’re scared of what I might’ve agreed to?”

I didn’t answer, but she was good at reading people. I can say with total certainty that, judging by my body language, she already knew the answer—not just now, but from the moment I walked in.

“Thanks, and I’m sorry,” she said, sipping her coffee. For a brief moment, as she looked out the window, her words carried a weight I couldn’t quite explain.

It’s hard to describe, but I felt like an invisible hand was squeezing my chest from the inside. It wasn’t the words—it was the heaviness with which she let them out.

“Sayo…”

“I owed you one, Eiji. I want you to know I tried to make a deal… a way to repay you for showing me… ‘friendship,’ if you ever considered it that, or if I’m still in the running for it…”

“Sayo, please, just spit it out already…” I said, letting my head fall back. I felt like I’d taken a beating.

“Aranara’s just ‘another Death,’ Eiji. She’ll never be human… though, you already knew that, didn’t you?”

“I kinda knew it, yeah, but I thought…”

“No. Not everything can be changed, Eiji. We can do things to a certain point, but we can’t alter the nature of things…” she said, cutting me off. For the first time, there was a flicker of anguish in her voice—brief, but there. “I want you to know I tried, but that deal wasn’t possible. I swear I tried, Eiji.”

[Come on, deep breath, stay calm. You’re in a public place.]

“That’s why I’m apologizing…”

[You’ll figure it out. Don’t lose it. Don’t lose it. Don’t lose it.]

“And… even though you probably don’t want to keep listening to me now…” she said, picking up her camera and turning the screen toward me. “This is the only way I can say ‘thank you.’”

“H-How… how did you do that?” I said, staring at the screen. I didn’t know what was stronger—the knot in my stomach or the one in my throat.

“Did you notice people whispering?”

[Why… how is this…?]

“I bet you felt their stares, but you misread them… They weren’t seeing the ‘town lunatic.’ They were wondering…”

My eyes were glued to the screen. I didn’t understand—probably no way I could.
“Sayo… this…” Now my hands were the ones shaking. I didn’t dare touch the screen, honestly afraid I was hallucinating.
“How someone who looks like he crawled out of a coffin is running around holding hands with a girl like that.” she said, covering her mouth to laugh. Even in a moment like this, she minded her manners.

That photo she’d snapped of Aranara and me outside the shop.
It hadn’t been a spur-of-the-moment thing for Sayo—it was a way to test if her ‘deal’ had worked.
It wasn’t a professional photo, but it wasn’t out of focus, though that wasn’t the point.

“Does that mean…?”

“Aranara's 'boss' gave me these steady, skilled hands you see because I realized, after all, I didn’t want to die… I just wanted someone to listen or… sorry for repeating it, but someone I could maybe call a ‘friend’ someday.” She pulled her chair closer to the table. “And… I’m not a Kanzai anymore. My family lost all memory of me ever existing, so, while it sounds grim, I’m kinda happy to not be tied to a life I didn’t want to live—or rather, a future I couldn’t choose.”

I felt that invisible hand squeezing me harder. “Sayo… why?”

“Come on, Eiji, don’t make that face. Honestly, it didn’t bother me at all. Now I can have my own life, one I choose how to live… It might seem like a huge price to pay, but for me, it’s not.”

“Everyone can… see her?”

“Yes.”

“Let me say it again… They can see her like anyone else?”

“Yes, Eiji, try not to fry your neurons. I think I explained it simply enough.”

Can you blame me for nearly leaping across the table to hug her?
Because while sometimes words are too much, other times—like this one—they’re not enough, even when there’s so much to say.

“You’re… gonna choke me… let go already,” she said, not resisting at all. “Now you should worry about others trying to steal your girl.” She let out a laugh at the end. “She probably already realized people can see her, unless she’s still glued to that shop window. Why don’t you go back to her?”

“As if Aranara would notice anyone else…” I said, letting out a small chuckle as I stood up.

“Wow… that sounded… way too self-centered, especially coming from someone like you.”

“Just wanted to sound cool.”

“You need to work on that. Doesn’t work on me.”

I was about to bolt out of the café to find Aranara, but I couldn’t help thinking that maybe the puzzle was a bit bigger than I’d thought, and there were still a couple of pieces I hadn’t fit together.

“Hey, Sayo…”

“What, you’re not leaving?” she said, reviewing the photos she’d taken that day.

“Now that you’ve basically been reborn—”

“This isn’t a movie, Eiji…” she cut me off again, not looking up from her camera’s screen.

“Whatever, I’ve got room at the house.”

“HUH?” Her head snapped up instantly, like they’d just announced a new habitable planet had been discovered.

“Don’t overthink it. I don’t have ‘friends’ either, so I’m practicing that too. See you later.”

“S-Sure…”

For the first time, I saw her shrug, and that subtle voice was tinged with a hint of embarrassment.