Prologue : A miserable life

I, Lenin, am a professional monologist and an exhausted student with dark circles below my eyes barely hidden with glasses. Wakes up tired every day in the same place staring at the same white moisture-soaked ceiling.

It feels like every day is just a repeat of the last almost feeling like a eternal endless nightmare. 

Peeping that exasperating low-priced clock hanged on the chalky snow hued wall. It was already showing 10:41 am. Nevertheless, I still could hear it.

 Tic tac tic tac.

Sigh... time always only flows onward endlessly isn't it ? But Why ? Why can't time recede backward or stop ? I questioned myself. If only that was possible, I could alter the present and future avoiding mistakes, shaping a new better version of both myself and my mom. And of course, if even it was possible, the issue are the current memories and knowledges stored inside my brain. The subsistence of these are key in order to perform any changement of the present and what lies ahead...

Unfortunately, I don't have time manipulating power and the Reading Steiner ability.

I'm always overwhelmed by philosophical thoughts flooding my mind and leaving me exhausted. Questions like how the universe could be born from nothing, or what the soul even really is and where it originates... Kind of things that has been kept swirling in my mind.

Rising up from this cheap and worn bed felt even more impossible than yesterday. All I wanted was to vanish into it, to melt away and disappear doesn't wanting to hear the clock's perpetual rythm and seeing anything from this world. Yeah, as a good for nothing and worthless being, that's all I deserved.

Nevertheless, the constant flow of cars outside sending noises spilling through the poorly insulated old walls of the tiny house, made hard for me to sleep. Glancing at the clock again, it's now 12:54 pm.

Ever since Dad made us move against our will, I haven't been able to sleep properly. Last night’s nightmare still lingered, a never-ending one. I was arguing with him again...  I wonder when I will be able to dream peacefully again, like in the childhood.

Mom being on the ground floor was now making sounds on the handrails of the stairs."I hereby summon the last of my strength just to rise from my only escape." I let it all out. Seeing, that exasperating calendar hanged on the snow hued chalky white wall , I am like, it's already April 14, 2025 now, but really, time flies by so quickly !

I feel so old now and as pathetic as ever because I still haven't achieved anything or earned any money even at this time. I can't even cherish small delightful moments of life. Unfortunately, I have done everything I can to improve my own situation and brighten my mom's outlook, yet nothing has changed.

Sleepy, I'm heading to the ground floor, taking the steep, always-squeaky stairs. I saw mom being in the kitchenette, always sylphlike and wearing the same lackluster black dull hoodie, hood pulled up serving as a shield. I took my water bottle and sat on the couch next to my little brother, to drink it.

And here begin the typical routine of a human being, brushing the teeth, washing the face and finally taking the breakfast consisting in just a mug of milk and an magnificent orange that mom bought, better than nothing. Thanks mom. I simply said. It's now gaming time ! I am always escaping into this immersive paradise, the new trending monster hunting MMORPG on my phone.

There’s not much else I can do in this world where I am being shackled. Imprisoned in flesh and spirit. Stop playing that game, and go do something to find that internship. Mom said without being angry but in a very displeased manner.

Anyway, it's so desesperate that I gave up on looking for an internship and I was actually spending my time playing videos games in a really reluctantly way. In fact, I would like to really do something to make mom happy...

Sigh. Yes, yes, I’m going...," Beaten, I replied disappointed being defeated by the area's boss at the same time.

Yeah I've now passed all the exams and now still searching for an internship while every classmates seemed to have found one. Life is so hard and so overwhelming that it feel like I don't belong in this world or that I was born in the wrong place. In addition to that, I've never been able to find a part job and earn atleast one piece of money unlike all my classmates. I really want it all of this to change. It's as if I'm being cursed and trapped into the hands of a certain wicked witch like in a fairytale.

Sometimes I just have the feeling of not being alive anymore, it's a mysterious sensation that I don't have the words to express it.

"Whatever we will do or try nothing will change for us." I said to Mom.

Mom was staring at me, speechless. She already knew it, but still.

"We should never give up, we have to try harder and harder until the end of our journey. Someday everything will change"

She kept saying that for years now.

I just sighed.

Can't be helped. As lazy I am, I hurriedly changed my clothes, slipped on my shoes, locked the door as little brother may disturb the neighbors across the street. Thereafter I headed to the small, rotting shed in the backyard to fetch my used second-hand blue bicycle.

As I rode my bike, the landscape flashed by like a shooting star, just like my 23 years of life. A mind full of thoughts and plans, a life empty of results. And once again, I slipped into my usual monologue.

And as if the problems weren't enough, I had a so-called "caring" dad that supposedly wishing happiness and good things for us. Just kidding. You couldn’t find a more malevolent father anywhere on Earth. He's literally the main villain of my story... of my entire universe, my precious mom, the only infime light in all that darkness.

In addition to that, I also have a brother who was born in 2005, we first thought he was born deaf but it was actually worse because he was later diagnosed of autism. At that time, I didn't know what was going on since I was only approximately 6 years old.

As he grew up, my little brother began to show his teeth, just like our malevolent dad though not of his own will. Unfortunately, he is even today in the grip of this awful incurable "disease".

It's so heart-breaking to see mom going through days like these, she's suffering but still enduring between dad treating her like a dog and brother that is always going to bite her... she's living as me in a jail no even worse than that deprived of freedom. It's literally hell for the two of us.

And no matter what I try to change this situation in order to make at least the little bit better for her. Nothing works, I am weak and powerless.

I don't understand the meaning of what is peace and freedom anymore... Those two entities are only fading away as for the two of us.

Mom and I often wondered if we weren't actually trapped in some kind of curse. I mean, I'm a science student. Still, it was hard for me to believe in curses, magic, or any of that fantasy stuff. It's not like I am just the main character, ahem, a background character in a manga where curses and magic can be real.

I wonder when will everything changes, when will we break out from this unbearable storm.

Still on the bike, I shaked my head so hard to clear those overwhelming thoughts. "Where was I going again ? Ah yeah, to the job center, I think..." "Need to find that internship because I had to, at least for Mom's and my sake !" I told myself and started pedaling faster. Not fast enough to outrun a car, though. I'm not one of those characters from Yowamushi Pedal, haha.

After finally finding my way to the job center that some classmate of mine recommended to me 2 years ago.

I see that it looked like a very old building, a bit hidden away from the rest of the city. It didn't even have a bicycle parking lot to park my bike. Because of that, I had to bring my bike inside the building, even though I wasn’t sure if it was allowed. If I left it outside, it could get stolen, and getting back home would take an eternity...

Letting my cycle on the hallway, I grabbed an appointment ticket at the entrance and waited for my turn to see the job counselor.

As I waited, nerves started to kick in. I found myself silently praying for something good for a decent, paid internship. It would be my first real paycheck, and I knew it would make Mom proud of me and happy.

Beep beep. Number 008, please proceed to the appointment room. Beep beep.

When my number was finally called, I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t even hear it. Luckily, the man sitting next to me noticed my ticket and gently tapped my shoulder. I was startled by it but allowed me snapping out of them.

I walked up to the job counselor and began speaking, doing my best to sound confident despite my introverted nature. made it feel like an uphill battle, but I needed to impress her the most as possible.

During my conversation with the job counselor, my phone kept vibrating. It was quite disturbing but I tried not to let it throw me off. The meeting finished, she told me she’d call me back next week. Not very by her convinced behavior, I will come back there again.

I took my phone out of my pants pocket and saw many missed calls, all from home and also some from dad...

I really didn’t want to call dad back because of the hate I had toward him. But what struck me was that he literally never calls me. Something must have happened. Or is it my autistic brother ? A wave of fear just hitting me.

So instead, I decided to call the house back, and was so surprised by who answered the phone that it almost made me drop the phone.