Frozen

“Decision?!” I didn’t mean to say that part aloud. While I strongly disagreed with her, she was still my senior. I had to show her respect. My whole body heated when I realized my mistake. Rationally, I don’t know how much she could have really done in this situation. I was far away from my temple and with everything ending, did anyone really care about punishing someone for stepping out of line? Worst that happens, when I go back I get banished. Painful as that would be, along the grand scheme of time, it didn’t really matter.

It didn’t change that my body raced like I was running a marathon. Nothing I could think of would calm it down. The whole system was charged, I wasn’t stopping. I just managed the stress as it rose up.

I’d say that she looked even angrier than before, but I think she already hit her peak a while ago. Apparently my face was showing everything even when I wasn’t saying a thing. Perhaps silence wasn’t helping me. “You don’t get to sit there and think you’re above all this. You didn’t see what I saw those days. The depravity and debasement of man. Her words exposed humanity for what it truly was, an infantile beast. And if they’re going to be a beast, then a shepherd must tend to them.”

She almost sounded proud of what she did. I’m not sure if she was trying to justify her actions anymore and just thought that she was above everyone now. The way she talked and reacted, it seemed like horrific things happened. But how can that be enough to steal away their freedom?

“I saved them from killing themselves and harming their neighbors. They are better as they are now. Your false nobility would only see more die. You can’t claim to be able to sway thousands from fear and panic. Don’t be so naïve.”

It almost sounded rehearsed now. Did she have to repeat this argument to others? Maybe the rest of the cathedral disagreed with her actions? I don’t even know how she managed to do it. I’ve never heard of anything capable of such a thing, but it also wasn’t my field of expertise. Though I’m surprised that it was her’s.

“Go see for yourself before you condemn my actions. Find the North Ward and see what’s become of it. Then decide what was the correct path.” She really did just have a ‘I’ll wait’ look on her face. I can’t believe she believed so strongly in removing their reason. She was a Priest of Ministra, how could she do this?

But I wasn’t willing to have an argument with her either. The stubborn stare told me as much. I was going to have to see this for myself before she’d entertain anything. Though I don’t know if I could even debate her. She seemed convinced and how am I going to change her mind? I’m just a Speaker, a child in her eyes.

Either way, I was eager to leave. I gave her directions to the water before I left. By the time I made it to the main road my heart finally calmed down. Though my clothes still felt wet from sweat, I could live with it. I don’t think I could last much longer in the house.

Unsurprisingly, I made it back to the capital in record time when I wasn’t forced to move at someone else’s pace. It wasn’t even midday when I got back. The long walk before gave me a bad sense of distance. I thought the farm was unreasonably distant to make regular trips into the city, but that didn’t seem to be the case.

Nothing had changed, but I didn’t expect it. Thanks to the map giving me some orientation when I came into Berthon, I could find north pretty easily. I hadn’t been through the entire city last time, but it seemed a little strange that I would have missed something so disastrous as she described. As I walked further not seeing anything, I started to have doubts to the impact. She just wasn’t prepared for the backlash of everyone. But who could be?

I weaved around the sleepy people as I started to see the city wall up north. “Is it even destroyed?” Everything I’d seen so far was still intact. Fighting the crowd I reached the other side of the street. “Oh…”

The sight slowly made me walk forward. Buildings and homes still obstructed it a little, but I could see down the streets and aisles clearly now. Past the pristine city was blackened white stone and crumbled ash.

Further in it all peeled away. Wherever I looked black stretched out all the way to the wall. I don’t know how large the Ward was, but dozens of city blocks were leveled to the ground, rather razed as she claimed. And the char marks from fire made it very clear.

I still stood around the edge of the destruction nearly holding my breath in shock. My mind couldn’t have guessed it was this bad. Taking a couple steps forward, I heard a crunch under foot. Snapping down I saw remains, bones I think? A set of different sizes. No! I staggered back as I understood. How could they do that?

Shaking my head, images conjured up in my head of what happened. My mind tried to craft a scene to the results I saw and I coughed. I ran. Pushing and knocking people down, I bolted as far as I could.

I don’t know how far I made it, but collapsed sick both in my stomach and head. It happened again, but even worse. Rastron seemed tame by comparison.

I understand. Dammit! Tears soaked my cheeks as I laid on the stone street. I just stayed still, not even paying attention to the sky.

Everything passed around me in a haze. It wasn’t until I heard her voice again, that I realized I walked myself back. “You agree with me then.” The moment that she said that, I slumped in the chair. I shook my head. I didn’t have any fight in me.

Minutes passed in silence before I replied. “I don’t know. It’s awful, but to steal that all away. I can’t.”

“So you’re just like the rest.” I looked up at her. Her eyes pierced into my soul. “They couldn’t come to an answer either. So I decided for them. And now they’re content without having to worry about their morals.”

“But what sort of life is that?”

“We’re all dying in a year. What does it matter the quality of that life? I won’t see them make a mockery of Her creation. We’re supposed to be better. That’s why She taught us. You know that.”

“Yes, but because we can think and reason. Not left in a sleep state where they can’t.”

“Better than animals. Or do you think you can take the burden of knowing they wiped out the entire capital?” Surely it wouldn’t be that bad if they recovered. Maybe if with the time between and seeing the destruction they’ll realize their mistakes. Maybe they would be different. Maybe they would just kill everyone. Be worse. Burn everything down. No, they need to choose. They did.

As I sat in silence debating both sides, I heard the bed groan. She stood up and it took me a moment to follow from the chair. “Where are you going?”

“Back. You know the truth, if you resolve to destroy it, then you can figure out what to do. If not, then leave and never show your face in Berthon again.”

I jumped up from the chair shocked to hear her words. “Go back, but you just recovered from it. Why would you go knowing what it does?”

“I knew what it did when I acted and you found me in there regardless. Why should it be so surprising that I’m going back. Take your naivety and go home.” And with that she marched out of the room. I didn’t follow. I couldn’t. My indecision locked everything up. Was she right or wrong? What should I do?

They burned everything. They should know.

I can’t.

Hours passed as I sat there in an endless cycle until fatigue took me. It wasn’t until deep into the day that I woke up. I remembered that she left me alone. I didn’t know what to do. Grabbing my pack and walking out, I stared up the road, where the city lay beyond the wheat. I’m sorry. I’m too weak. She’s right.

I turned away and walked vaguely north with no destination. How could I abandon them all? But what could I do? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.