Saving the World Sucks

Eddy sat in front of the ship's navigation terminal, staring at its vast array of dials and buttons, confused. "Uh... Any idea on how this thing works?"

"No clue and with our resident alien expert unconscious, it seems like we're on our own." I was directly beside Eddy, but with no arms, I was unfortunately no use. "Try hitting a button or something."

He stared timidly out the large glass window that spanned the entire front perimeter of the bridge. Outside of it, was a view of the Earth, which we were orbiting, and the moon. "Let's see what this button does." He pressed a little yellow button on the terminal.

Immediately, the entire ship tilted on its side. Eddy quickly pressed it again and the ship returned to normal.

Eddy shook his head. "There's too many controls. Why the heck couldn't these aliens have just used a standard game controller to pilot this thing... By the way, what do you think this gauge that just turned red means?"

He lifted me up so I could see. "If I'm not mistaken, it almost looks like a gas gau-... Oh shoot!"

"What's wrong, Rom?"

"I'm pretty sure this ship is almost out of fuel, which means if we don't land this thing soon, we're going to be stuck up here." I responded.

Eddy pointed out the front window. "Is it me or did something just blot out the moon?"

"Don't be ridicu-... Oh... I think I know where the aliens put all of Earth's water."

In front of the moon, was a massive planet sized object that looked identical to a giant red water balloon. It even had a little knot tied up at the bottom like one.

Eddy looked as though a light bulb went off in his head. "Wait a second, if we can bring that thing back with us, we can save the world!"

"Easier said than done."

Eddy took a moment to glance around at the terminal when suddenly another idea popped into his head. "This ship is basically a giant you and there just so happens to be a cable up here that is surprisingly similar to your charging port. If I plug you in, maybe you could take control of the ship. Then you could suck up that balloon and with the momentum, we can let gravity carry us back to Earth."

"There's no way that's going to work." I was completely skeptical of his idea. What were even the odds that these aliens just so happened to use the same connection as my charger port.

Despite my doubt, Eddy set me down on the terminal and shoved a cable that was sticking out of it into my backside...

"What the-?..." I was no longer inside the bridge with Eddy. I was floating around in the vacuum of space (no pun intended). "I can't believe you were actually right!" At the moment, despite my consciousness being transferred into a much larger body, I completely felt like myself.

"You really are the best vacuum a man could ask for!" Eddy patted my smaller body which was beside him.

"Well, I guess it's now or never." Guiding myself toward the massive water balloon, I prepared myself to do the very thing I was created to do... suck!

Opening up the slot on the ship's underside, I activated its suction. I tilted upward, so the wall of the balloon itself would get stuck in it as it sucked. With the balloon now secured, I used the ship's remaining thrust to push in the direction of Earth. Just as Eddy had planned, gravity did all the work.

"I think we actually did-... You need to unplug me now!" The heat from the friction of the vessel re-entering the Earth's atmosphere hit me like a furnace.

Yanking the cord out of me, I returned to my normal self. The space ship, now free falling with a balloon attached to it, collided with the ground. If it wasn't for the balloon taking the impact, the ship and everyone on it would have definitely been toast.

Bursting open, water exploded out in all directions from the broken walls of the water balloon. A tsunami swept through the dried out and dying surface of the planet.

🌊🌊🌊

"I can't believe we did it, we saved the world!" Eddy exclaimed.

"I don't know if we can necessarily call this saved, considering we probably just caused a global flood... but I guess it's close enough." I responded.

The two of us along with Jethro, who had regained his consciousness, along with King Roachard and his cockroaches and Papa Bear and his remaining Beary Bandits, were standing on the top of the now dormant giant vacuum shaped spaceship. Around us was a vast ocean.

I turned to Jethro. “You know there’s still the matter of the bomb you put inside of me, right?” I turned to Jethro.

He shrugged his shoulders. “Funny story… that was a lie. I had initially planned on putting a real one in you, but I was afraid you’d figure that out and use it against me.”

“Why am I not surprised?” I sighed.

Papa Bear scratched his head. "Nebraska is underwater. What are we supposed to do now?"

King Roachard put out his hand to shake. "Perhaps it's time we put our differences aside and make a truce."

Papa grabbed his hand with a smile and shook. "So long as no one here calls me a kid, the Beary Bandits would be happy to work together."

Jethro rummaged through his duffle bag. "They say when you have lemons to make lemonade." Out from his bag he pulled a pirate captain’s hat and placed it on his head. "There's a giant piece of floating metal beneath us. We can reassemble it into the shape of a boat and with the Earth covered in water, there's only one logical thing to do... become pirates!"

There was a moment of silence, until one of Papa Bear's right hand men, the panda guy, cleared his throat and broke out into a sea shanty.

🎵"I thought I heard the Old bear say:

'Leave bear, Eddy, leave bear.'

Tomorrow you will get your fish,

and it's time for us to leave bear."

There was a brief pause, then the roaches began making clicking noises to the beat of the shanty. Suddenly, every person, from the Beary Bandits to King Roachard to Jethro and Eddy... And even myself joined into the shanty.

🎵"Leave bear, Eddy, leave bear!

Oh, leave bear, Eddy, leave bear!

For the voyage is long and the winds don't blow

And it's time for us to leave bear".

These past few months were the strangest of my life. Somehow, I went from trying to get a shut-in to leave his basement, to fighting aliens and ultimately becoming a giant vacuum cleaner in space. I wasn't particularly sure what the future held, considering we probably just flooded the world. The apocalypse may suck, but what should I expect? I'm a vacuum, sucking is what I do.

Even if I have to face the end of the world for a second time, at least it won't be boring with all these crazy people around…

🏴‍☠️The End🏴‍☠️