Part II - Epilogue (6)

The first thing on top of the pile inside the box, was a rabbit-themed notebook.

He flipped it open.

The list of activities Miyu had wanted to do during that summer in Lazumere.

Fishing at Old Logan's Creek. Catching bugs. Barley tea on the engawa. Explore the cave. Show Cameron the dagashiya. Show Cameron her old school. Go to the shoutengai in Embervyl.

He ran his fingers over her handwriting. All these memories came flooding back. The summer he'd spent with her. They'd been so young then. Every tiny problem then had seemed so huge. Like the end of the world. He'd been so stressed out about exams, of all things.

He still remembered the sight of her, writing in that notebook, on the train. Their first-class cabin. How nice the crystal cooling had felt.

What are you writing in there, Miyu?

It's a secret. Don't peek! I mean it! Stop, Cameron! Help, help! This man's trying to tickle me!

The rest of the notebook was mostly blank. It didn't look like she ever used it for anything else.

He put the rabbit notebook aside, and took out the next item in the pile.

A book he'd seen before—but not in her hands.

Heinrich's sketchbook from that summer.

Heinrich must have given it to her before he left … Which was after Cameron's storm-out.

Cameron opened the book. He flipped through the pages. Sketches of Lazumere. Nature studies. Birds, plants. Landscape. Heinrich had always been a great artist. Portrait sketches of all four of them. Miyu and Cameron napping together, their heads resting on each other. Elegia, his bangs covering most of his face. Heinrich (yes … he drew himself …) fishing. The four of them, dressed in their formal outfits, walking down the shoutengai. Yuka in her many wedding dresses. … Miyu and Cameron dancing at the end of the night. (He had no idea Heinrich had even been watching that time.) Various sketches of Observance. Miyu's priestess robes. Her sacred dancing.

Cameron closed the sketchbook, and put it aside.

The rest of the pile was simply a large stack of loose papers.

Letters.

Lots of them.

Hundreds of them.

All of them addressed to the same person.

Each one beginning with the same greeting.

—My Dearest Archie:

I took the crystal rail for the first time today! Oh, Crystal City is beautiful. I wish you could see it. …

He finished reading the letter, and moved on to the next one.

… completely lost. So there I was, standing in front of the map … a human boy, who was kind enough to help me out. He's named Cameron, and coincidentally we were headed to the same class! … talk during lectures, and he even helped me out with …

And the next one.

… asked me out to coffee! He was so nervous, I could see him trembling … think you'd really like him, Archie … loves crystal machines … the way his forehead wrinkles when he thinks really hard, ha ha! …

And the next.

… wintertime. The streets are so beautiful, Archie. The way the crystal lights shine, the twinkling of the snow. And the Mother Crystal! Cameron took me up to the rooftop of an old building …

… And yes, we kissed. Ahhhhh! It's so embarrassing to write about!!!!

… cherry blossoms, like you always wanted to see. The crowds were awful, but I didn't mind. … any place is fine as long as I'm with him …

She had written Archie roughly once a week while she was at school. Fewer letters during exam time. More during slower periods. But she'd written him pretty regularly, over the years.

But Cameron didn't understand—wasn't she supposed to send these during Observance? Burn them in the sacred fire? … Why did she never send these to Archie?

Eventually, as he made his way down the pile, he reached the letters she'd written Archie during That Summer.

It appeared she had written him just about every single day around that time.

… Finally managed to convince him to come with me to Lazumere for the summer.

… We took the train. And get this—we rode in first class! Our own private cabin. Elegi-nii and Cameron's roommate, Heinrich, they tagged along …

… We stepped off the train, into the summer heat. You should've seen the look on Cameron's face! He wasn't prepared for it at all! …

… met Yuka-nee there, and she drove us to Lazumere.

… We made it home. Mama and Papa were there, waiting for us.

… we couldn't sleep. So I showed Cameron the back garden. And there, we stayed. Talking the whole night. We stayed up and watched the stars.

… 'What are we doing today?' … We ask each other that, every morning. And every day we have something new to do! Every day is an adventure. We have so much fun every day. I really wish you were here too, Archie. I wish you could be here with us.

… We rode into Embervyl, to get Cameron and Heinrich's clothes for the wedding. And get this—We got drafted into a war. … Ha! Just kidding. But there was this kid, Dalton, was waiting for us … He's got a bit of a crush on your Nee-chan.

… we stayed at the inn. It was nice, but Yuka-nee wasn't feeling very happy that day. So Cameron and I ended up talking to her …

We had a wedding for Yuka-nee. I officiated as the priestess. …

… after I was done. Good thing the night wasn't over yet. I found Cameron sitting at the table. He lead me out to the dance floor. We danced until the end of the night.

… I took him to our secret place. Can you forgive Nee-chan, Archie? I'm not sure if he understood how important it was, to me. … For us. I wish he could've said more, up there. …

… Observance. It looks like it'll be a really busy one, this year. … I did my best. Yesterday, today. And tomorrow I'll continue doing my best. Because Lazumere needs me. Princess Aerya needs me. …

… I wanted him to see me. I'm a bit sad that he stopped coming to the Reliquary. I suppose I'm being a little selfish …

… the drink, Archie. He drank it and I was too late to stop him. It's my fault, I should've noticed him but I …

… I stayed by his side. … after seven days, he finally woke up. … I was so scared. … The Elders are mad at me. They say I'm not fit to be a priestess. And maybe that's true … I chose him. Forgive me, Princess Aerya … Forgive me, Archie …

… We had a fight. And I ended up saying some awful things to him, Archie. He left Lazumere in a hurry. … I don't know if I'll ever see him again.

Cameron finished the letters.

That was the end of them. … They stopped after Cameron left Lazumere that day.

He wasn't sure what that meant. Did she stop writing Archie altogether after That Summer? … Or did she just set these particular letters aside, for whatever reason? If so, why these ones?

… He didn't get it.

He was about to put the stack of letters back in the box, but stopped when he noticed he had missed one.

He took it out.

A single letter, sealed in an envelope.

On the front, a name.

His name.

CAMERON

His heart pounding. Hands trembling.

He took the letter, and sat down on a nearby log.

Carefully, he lifted the flap. He pulled out the single sheet of paper inside.

He unfolded it, and began to read.

Dear Cameron,

You wouldn't believe how many times I've rewritten the start of this letter. You should see the floor below, how many crumpled pieces of paper there are now. Ha.

Well, whatever. No more of that.

I'm just gonna say what I have to say. That's what Elegia says, about writing. When the words seem like they're stuck, just throw it all away, all the fluff, all the filler, stop worrying about what it sounds like, and ask yourself: What do you really want to say?

And what I really want to say is this.

Number one, I'm sorry.

Number two … I lied.

I didn't mean what I said at the end of that summer.

Because I did love you.

I do love you, still.

But the fight that we had, that last day. When I saw the look on your face, when I told you about what they'd done to me. I realized I could never give you the family you wanted so badly. Because I knew you wanted it. You're right. I should have spoken up. The way your face would light up when you talked about someday, walking home in the sunset, our daughter in your arms. I never said anything precisely because I wanted to be with you. I wanted to keep what we had, for as long as possible. It was selfish of me. I'm sorry.

I realized you could never be happy with me. Not truly. And I didn't want you to force yourself into loving me any longer.

So I said what I said. I didn't mean it.

I'm sorry.

And you were right. About many things.

I did try to fake the way I acted. Yes, partly mainly all because of Archie. He wanted me to be free to show the real me to everyone, not just him. And you're right. I didn't know how to do that. So I tried to act how he would act. He was the happiest person I ever knew, that's why. And I know you felt like that I was hiding the real me this way.

But here's the thing, Cameron.

There is no real me.

If you never got to know the real me, then the same could be said of Archie.

If the me that was with you was fake, then ALL of me is fake.

Ugh. It's hard to put into words, Cameron. I don't know how.

I guess … you kept saying that the 'me' you saw with Archie was the real me. But that's not completely true. That was just me in 'Archie' mode. Just like I had a 'priestess' mode. The gloomy me everybody kept commenting on while you were there.

And yes, I had a 'Cameron' mode, too.

So if you thought the Archie mode 'me' was the real me … Then all of them are just as 'real' as that 'me'.

And if you don't think that 'Cameron' mode is the real me, then NONE of them are me, either.

… Does that make sense?

If one of them is the real me, then they ALL are.

And if one of them is fake, then they're ALL fake.

Because there is no real me.

But at the same time … they're ALL the real me.

You know … and this is kinda dumb, but … I have this huge stack of letters I wrote to Archie, meant for Observance, that I never sent, because I realized that I had unconsciously 'switched' into New Miyu mode. I had to rewrite them! … Because if Archie read those, he'd be like, 'This isn't my Nee-chan!' … Which is such a dumb thing to worry about. Why do I keep my 'tailored' personas so separately? … What's wrong with me?

So yes, I do tailor how I act to different people … But doesn't everyone do that, to some extent? The way Papa talks to me is different than how he talks to Mama, for example. And the way he talks to our villagers is even more different.

I'm the same, just … more extreme, maybe.

It doesn't mean I didn't love you. Or that our time together wasn't real. Because it was. The things we did, that wasn't for Archie. Maybe he had mentioned some of the same things, but I would never use you as just a tool to fulfill his wishes, Cameron.

Our love was real.

I don't know why I'm writing all this. Maybe it's my way of explaining things to myself. Or maybe my way of confessing my own sins.

No. That's all just a lie. I'm being selfish again. Just making myself feel better.

After all, I'll never send this letter out.

And you'll never read it.

So it doesn't matter, really.

I'm sorry.

Always yours,

Miyu Nocturne

Cameron spent a long time reading, and re-reading that letter.

When he was done, he carefully folded the letter back into the envelope.

He brought it to his lips, and sat there for a while breathing in the faint scent of the old paper. As if in it he might find some last trace of her still lingering.

Then he sat there, and cried for a long time.

Afterwards he stood up, moved back to the box, and placed the letter back in. He placed Archie's letters on top of it, followed by the sketchbook, and then the rabbit notebook.

Then he closed the box, and placed it underneath the altar.

And then he left the hidden glade, and made his way back to the village.