Taboo

“… That’s… That’s taboo.” Maya was shaking her head. Joni thought she probably was seconds from a panic attack.

Or seconds from reporting her to the authorities.

The thought made beads of sweat begin to accumulate at her temple. Joni held her hands up and spoke to Maya in a slow, calm voice, “You’re right, it’s taboo. But—”

“So why would you do something like that?? It’s illegal! You can’t create new lifeforms, and you definitely can’t bring the dead back to life! You’re… you’re in deep—”

“Shit, I know. I would be if anyone knew.” Joni said, pulsing her open palms at the screen in a long distance gesture to calm Maya down. “But no one knows.”

“I know.” Maya said slowly.

Joni nodded, also slowly. “No one else has to know.” She waited for Maya to respond, to make a move or express something at all, but she did nothing. It was left up to Joni to recognize that the look in Maya’s eyes had changed.

They weren’t the eyes of a shocked college student finding out the big bad secret of her course instructor. They weren’t fearful or worried anymore. Maya’s eyes were careful and calculating, thinking deeply.

She’s going to rat me out, Joni thought. The world she thought she’d gained, as imperfect and strange as it was, felt like it was beginning to crumble, and she was devastated. Joni wasn’t a fighter, and her ability—slow-working and private—didn’t lend to physical combat at all, so she had no way of escaping if the authorities really came to bust down her front door.

But wait, she thought, unwilling to give into sorrow just yet, If she was going to rat me out, she would’ve logged off the meeting a long time ago. But she’s still here…

Joni took a second look at Maya and was alarmed to find curiosity and desire written all over her expression. She sucked in a sharp bout of air and asked carefully, “What is it that you want?”

Maya blinked five times fast, as if ripped from a trance. She matched eyes with Joni once again and said with no hint of hesitation, “I want my parrot back.

“You need to use your ability to bring him back.”

Silence. Joni could hear the neighbors arguing over dinner through the wall in the apartment next door, it was so silent. Maya was unflinching in her posture and expression. Joni was… confused.

“Y-Your—”

“Parrot. Yes.”

“… You serious?”

Maya rolled her eyes, a huff of air escaping her mouth, “Look, you wanna go to prison?”

The short answer was, no, Joni didn’t want to go prison. She’d lose all the bits of her soul that she’d brought back to save herself. But a parrot? She wants me to commit the taboo again, risk my exposure over a bird?!

“I admit that I would like to avoid prison…” Joni muttered after some time had passed.

“Good, I’m sure you would.” Maya said, her words snippy but her voice happy. “So how does this work and when will I get my Wingnut back?”

Wingnut. Joni chuckled at the silly little name and thought on it a while. It reminded her of Fireball, how the mere presence of the golden ball of joy stitched up all the wounds in her heart for a period until she needed him again. He was a dog. Wingnut, a bird. Both were pets, friends to someone.

Someone’s family.

Who am I to judge? Joni thought, The girl who was so weak she broke the taboo and revived not just her dog but three, hopefully four, others as well. I have no room to talk.

So, Joni shook herself from her thoughts and approached the subject from a more respectful and professional standpoint this time. “Okay, I’ll need a picture of Wingnut. And some understanding of his personality so I can try to match him to his past self as best I can.”

“That’s it?”

“That’s it.”

Maya was nodding her head. “I can do that.”

“After I draw him,” Joni continued immediately, “I’ll need to wish him back to life. It seems it can take anywhere between several hours to several days for them to come back. I don’t know the reasoning behind it, but not everyone’s the same.”

“Okay, sounds good!” Maya said, her eyes gleaming. “Seems that could even be done over the computer if it’s that simple. Let’s get started right now! I can give you a full description of Wingnut. I have some videos which might help better, too.”

Maya got busy tapping her fingers all over her phone, scrolling, looking for something to show a completely thrown-off Joni. “U-Um, wait. No. There’s more you need to know.” Joni said.

“I think I get the gist!” Maya insisted and then, “A-ha! Found it. Here’s one of Wingnut at the vet—Oh wait! If he’s at the vet here, won’t that mean he’ll return sick? Or does that only work when you see the picture and not the video?” She shrugs, “Won’t risk it. Can’t do that one, then. Let’s see here.”

“Maya.”

“I think I can find the one of us at the zoo visiting the other parrots. Can you believe they let me take him in there?! Had to put a visitor’s wristband on his little leg, and everything. It was so cute! And wild that day. People thought I was a zookeeper and kept asking questions. Freaking hilarious!”

“Maya! I’ve never drawn for other people before! I don’t know how it’ll work out. Who knows if half of my ability is because I personally know who or what I draw beyond what I see in the picture. Or! Or this: I don’t know if he’ll even be able to leave my apartment once he materializes because he might be tethered here. I don’t know all the rules, Maya.

“What I do know is that he…” Joni trailed off, hesitant to continue because this had hit her hard when she’d noticed the patterns.

Maya’s attention was captured. “He what?” she asked.

“… He won’t sleep. Ever. And if I don’t know what he eats, he won’t eat. I literally have to program him, he won’t be your Wingnut. Not exactly.”

When Joni finished speaking, Maya remained silent as she seemingly processed the information in her head, and Joni waited patiently for her reply. About a minute later, Maya hummed, “Hm.” Then, added, “It should be fine. Shouldn’t it?”

I wish. Joni answered internally. I wish.

Before the conversation could continue, “Joni, dear,” came from behind her, and Joni’s heart leapt up to her throat. She gasped and propelled around in her desk chair so fast that she was on her feet in an instant, looking back at her grandmother whose body was now complete.

Without any words to say, Joni leapt over the back of the couch and sank her feet into the soft cushions, falling to her knees before the old woman in front of her. She pulled her into a bone-crushing hug and sobbed heavily into her shoulder. The hiccupping kind of sobbing that hurt the throat, the head, and the lungs at once.

“G-G-Grand-m-ma-aaa,” she wailed.

And wailed. And wailed.

Her grandmother was the first person to encourage her drawing rather than treat it as something to be hidden and feared. She taught her the history of their family’s ability and drilled her on the ethics, the rules. Her grandma had convinced her mother to pass on the charcoal pencil and pad of drawing paper.

It was because of Grandma that those butterflies with the beautiful blue wings were drawn into the world that day, opening Joni’s eyes to the wonders of magic, to the beauty of life and rebirth. The power in it all. It was thanks to Grandma that Joni was able to see her family again today.

In the background, Joni’s parents’ voices could be heard asking what was wrong. Maya’s voice was heard, too.

She was saying, “That. I want that.”

Sniffling like mad, Joni turned to face Maya whom she’d almost forgotten was there. “Maya…” she whispered, shocked to see the girl’s face streaming with tears.

“You don’t seem bothered that she’ll be different than before, or worried about her. You're just happy she’s here. Your grandma’s really here… It’s beautiful.”

Joni didn’t want to say it out loud, but Maya was right. She turned her back and returned to hugging her grandma. She’s here, she thought.

Just like everyone else she wanted back. Joni was almost done; almost done being alone.

She’s here.

Four days later while reading in bed, Joni heard a knock on her bedroom door. She assumed that maybe it was her dad asking if she knew where the scissors were. He’d done it four or five times already since coming back, part of one of his six or so routines.

It brought a frown to Joni’s face for a few seconds. Made the comfortable warmth in her heart freeze up a little bit.

She’d never expected for her loved ones to behave this… exact. So loyal to Joni’s interpretations of them, the few memories she’d managed to keep of them in her head from the age of twelve. It was taking all she had to get used to having the same few conversations day by day or having to explain phenomena from scratch just to break her way into a new talking point for the day, only to be forgotten tomorrow.

Make their stale brains actually seem alive for a few hours.

“Come in!” she called, her unused voice summoning a legion of frogs. She cleared her throat as the door swung open.

“Huh!” A gasp spilled from her open mouth, and she threw her book from her hands, racing over to the door into arms already outspread. “Fin! Finally, you’re here.”

Joni pressed her nose into the fabric of his button down shirt, breathing his scent in. He always smelled of the freshest fabric softener, like every single day was spring for him, up until painkillers became his closest friends.

“Joni.” Fin said, his deep, familiar voice sending a ripple of feelings down her spine. His voice had always been the complete opposite of his boyish features, even back in high school. Now, he was older, drawn to be Joni’s age once again. It made him different, but he was still Fin.

Her Fin. The last piece of her puzzle.

“Did you wait long?” He asked, his arm circling her waist made her feel so, so, so happy inside.

“Forever,” she mumbled against him. “Thank you for being here. Thank you.”

“Damn! Forever? I didn’t mean to make you wait that long. We can probably still make our movie if we hurry, though.”

Joni’s head snapped backwards, eyes looking up at Fin’s. “What do you mean?”

Fin slow-chuckled, “Our date?”

Does this mean… he can go outside?? Joni exclaimed internally.

She felt it again, that flutter in her tummy. Excitement, that elusive feeling called happiness!

The end of the world hadn’t come for her yet.

But neither did happiness, Joni soon found out. She was becoming convinced that happiness was never meant for her.

She and Fin left the apartment, then the apartment building. They held hands the entire way, and Joni relished the feeling of holding a man’s hand—Fin’s—in hers once again. It felt the way cool air entering a steaming hot bathroom felt; refreshing. Brand new.

Except, as they approached the sidewalk, Joni’s hand closed a little more with each step as Fin’s hand slipped away. It took Joni too long to notice what was happening. She had been smiling too much, on the outside and within.

With a gasp and a whip of her head, she was able to see Fin disappear before her eyes. Gone again.