Days 47-60: Ava

Ever since the bear attack, Leo’s been different. He started venturing deeper into the forest—sometimes at night, and often near restricted areas marked with warnings about wild animals. I didn’t want him going alone, so I tagged along. He said it was just for fun, but something in his eyes made me uneasy.

One afternoon, we were ambushed by a pack of wolves—seven of them. I froze for a second, startled, but Leo’s reaction was worse. He looked... excited. The expression flickered and vanished so fast I almost doubted I saw it. But then he drew his knife and charged.

Idiot, what the hell is he doing? We should be running.

“Get out of here!” he shouted. “I’ll hold them off—just go!”

“Are you insane? I’m not letting you fight wolves alone with just a knife!”

“It’s not worth dying here!” he snapped.

The fuck? Did he forget I have a gun? And that I’m not the one scared to kill?

I pulled out my handgun and started firing. Two wolves went down, then the others turned on me. Leo was suddenly ignored as they rushed my way. I shot again—killing all but one. My arms were shaking from the recoil, and I couldn’t lift the gun fast enough. The last wolf lunged at me. It slashed my arm, and I dropped the weapon.

Shit, I’m done for.

It leapt again, and I raised my arms in a weak defense. But Leo dove between us, taking the blow. The wolf scratched him and recoiled. I scrambled for the gun while Leo distracted it, then shot the last one—killing it.

I immediately ran up to Leo, “Hey are you okay? The wolf didn’t hurt you, did it?” I asked, not noticing my own injury.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Worry about yourself—are you okay?”

“Oh, this?” I glanced at my bloody arm. “Not too deep. I’ll live.”

Leo looked away, ashamed. “You should’ve ran when you had the chance.”

“No way. There’s no chance you could’ve come out of that alive.”

“You could have died though.”

“So could’ve you!” He paused for a second, unable to find a way to answer me. “Besides, why are you so worried about me? I’m the one who has a gun. You were the one that would’ve died.”

“Why? I worry because I care about you, that’s it. Is it wrong for me to not want you to get hurt?”

His words caught me off guard, I began to feel my face turn red. “W-well, just don’t get yourself hurt in the process,” I muttered, turning away. “That’s enough exploring for today. Let’s just go back.”

In the days that followed, we kept exploring the woods—and we kept running into wild animals. Nothing as dangerous as the pack of wolves but Leo would somehow get the animal’s attention. Nothing ever as bad as the wolves, but still dangerous enough. Every time, he told me to run. Every time, I stayed and dealt with it with him. It was happening too often though. I started to wonder if he was doing it on purpose. But it doesn't make sense for him to be doing this. He would have nothing to gain except death or injuries. I just had to ask him When I asked, he froze for quick second. Then he shrugged and said it was a coincidence.

Bullshit.

He was doing it on purpose. I just didn’t know why. I kept thinking about what happened to the wolves. The way he jumped in front of me. What he said: “Why? I care about you. Is it wrong for me to not want you to get hurt?” Even now, just remembering it makes my face heat up. How could he say something like that so casually? But there was something else, something deeper. He sounded sincere—but something didn’t add up. Why throw himself into danger over and over again? Especially when these animals could’ve been easily avoided.

He's so confusing...

I eventually told Leo we needed to stop exploring, ”it was getting too dangerous,” I said. He pushed back, of course. “If it were really that dangerous, we’d be dead already,” he argued.

I didn’t get it—why was he being so stubborn? He even claimed we might find something valuable out there, but I doubted it. The risks far outweighed whatever scraps we might stumble on. I told him I was worn out and needed a break. “Let’s just take it easy for a day. Maybe head to the lake—it’s been getting hot, and we could use the downtime.” He resisted at first, but eventually gave in after I kept pushing. I might’ve begged a little.

We finally stopped our reckless exploring and arrived at the lake. It was a hot, cloudless day—perfect for a break. 

On the way to the lake, I bounced on my toes—I couldn’t wait to dive in.

“You seem a little too excited for this.” Leo joked.

“Yeah, of course I am. You know how much I love lakes.”

“Yeah, that is true.”

The moment I locked my eyes onto the lake I started running. Without thinking, I jumped straight in. The water was warm—unsettlingly warm. It reminded me of bathwater… or worse, like someone had peed in it. Weird thought, but that’s what came to mind.

Despite this I told Leo, “Come on—get in here. The water's great.”

“I think I’ll stay out here,” Leo replied, setting up his fishing rod.

“What’s the point of a lake day if you’re not going into the lake?”

“I’ll fish. You swim. Seems fair.”

“Or you could come in and grab them with your hands. More fun, less practical,” I teased.

I kept trying to get him to join me. Leo's been off lately, and I just wanted to do something normal—something safe. But I wasn’t successful. Without anyone in the water to mess around with, I swam slowly, letting my thoughts wander.

Why would he put himself in danger like that? Why was he being so stubborn? What does he gain from all this?

The question kept circling in my head. Then it suddenly hit me.

Is he trying to die…

That’s why he keeps throwing himself into situations he might not survive. 

Why not just out right shoot yourself though?

I guess—if he dies saving someone… then it's not suicide. It's “heroic.” Honorable. A way out that doesn't feel like giving up. Or he's worried about making me feel bad about him committing suicide. So this is an easy way out.

But no—could that really be it?

“ava.” I barely noticed Leo’s voice. I was still floating, staring at the sky.

I kept thinking to myself. This is the only thing that makes sense right now. He isn’t protecting me or being heroic though—he was being suicidal.

“Ava!” It got louder. Sharper.

What’s wrong with this guy?  Why does he think this is a good idea?

“AVA.”

I drift around still thinking until—

“AVA!”

I jolted upright and turned to him. He was on the shore, eyes wide, pointing behind me.

What is he pointing at?

I turned—and saw it. A bear. Bigger than the one we fought before. Massive. Towering. And already halfway into the lake. Panic surged. I spun and swam hard for the shore, but it was gaining on me fast. Too fast. I reached land, scrambling to my bag. The bear was right behind me. It swung—claws like knives—I dodged, barely. My hand closed around my gun, but before I could aim, it struck again. The blow knocked the weapon from my grip. It spun through the air and landed several feet away. Leo shouted and charged. Knife in hand. He plunged it deep into the bear’s side. The bear let out a roar—low, guttural, laced with pain. The sound vibrated in my chest, primal and violent. It swatted Leo like he was nothing. He flew back, landing hard—right near where my gun had fallen. But… he didn’t pick it up. The bear turned its attention onto Leo and headed that way.

“LEAVE NOW!” he shouted. He wasn’t fighting. He wasn’t reaching for the gun. He was giving up.

No. Not again. This is exactly what he wants. I have to stop this. I have to save Leo!

I looked around, desperate. My eyes landed on the bucket of fish he’d caught. The smell was strong—even from here. The bear loomed over Leo. He curled into a ball—like he was trying to protect himself. Or at least make it look like he was trying. At this rate, he was going to die. I grabbed the bucket and ran.

“I’M NOT LEAVING WITHOUT YOU!” I said as I hurled it with everything I had. Fish scattered across the ground.

The bear paused. Sniffed the air. Then turned, shuffling toward the scattered catch. Then it dropped to all fours and lumbered toward the fish, snuffling and chewing as if it hadn’t tried to kill us moments ago. I quickly ran to Leo and grabbed his arm.

I rushed to Leo’s side, dropped to my knees, and grabbed his arm. “Come on—get up.”

He looked dazed but nodded. I pulled him up and he leaned into me. No words. We just ran. We didn’t stop until we reached the camp.

As soon as we made it back to the campsite, I told Leo to rest in the tent as I gathered the first aid kits. Leo had scratches all over his body, some deep, some shallow. I rushed, trying to find anything to treat his wounds. I looked through the van frantically. I found a bunch of bandages to wrap around Leo’s wounds and stuff to disinfect it. I grabbed them and quickly made my way to Leo. I told him to take off his shirt so I could properly see the wounds. I was able to disinfect it and wrap most of it up. I had a scratch on my hand but it was nothing severe so I just ignored it. After wrapping up Leo’s wounds, I lay on the ground beside him, completely exhausted. I lay back, eyes closed, still shaken from the near-death

Thank God we survived that.

“You’re not hurt are you?” Leo asked with concern in his voice.

I opened my eyes and immediately sat up. “What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you concerned with me? You honestly would have died there. This was nothing like the wolves or any of the other animals.”

“Yeah I know but… I just want to protect you.”

I hesitated, feeling a little flustered, but then I remembered why he was doing it. “Don’t give me that crap Leo. I know what you’re trying to do.”

“What do you mean?” he asked, forcing a confused look—but his eyes betrayed a flicker of panic.

“I know you’re trying to kill yourself Leo!”

“What are you talking about Ava? How have I been doing that? Is it because I told you that I tried to kill myself before. It’s really flattering that you’re that worried about me.” he said with a nervous laugh.

“This isn’t the time for making jokes. Does your life not matter to you at all?!”

Leo immediately stops laughing and thinks to himself. “I don’t know what you mean.” He said with a reassuring smile. A smile that couldn’t reach his eyes.

“Fine, play dumb.” I stood up and walked out of the camp to grab another gun from the car. I loaded it up with bullets and headed back into the tent. “This gun is loaded,” I said to Leo. I point the barrel of the gun out the tent and let off a shot. Leo flinches at the shot.

“What are you going to do with it Ava?” he asked, concerned.

I didn’t answer. I just slowly turned the barrel toward my own head.

Leo froze. “AVA—what the hell are you doing?!”

“Now tell me the truth. Are you trying to kill yourself?”

“No I’m—”

“Don’t lie to me!” My finger hovered over the trigger. “If you're going to die, then I’ll go with you. Let’s end it. Together.” My finger was trembling but this wasn’t an empty threat, this was a promise.

His voice cracked. “No—no, Ava, stop. Please. Put the gun down.”

“Then tell me. Are you trying to die?”

He stared at me. Eyes wide. And then… something inside him broke. “FINE. YES. Now please—just put it down.”

I lowered the gun, slowly. My hands were still trembling. “Why, Leo? Tell me why.”

He looked away. “Because… I shouldn’t be here. Not after what I did.”

Of course he still blames himself for what happened to his parents.

“Every time I smile, every time I laugh with you, I remember what I lost. And I hate myself for it. It wasn't enough. They’re dead because of me.”

“Why do you think like this?” I blurted out.

“I–I”

“You were enough for me! You saved me…”

He continued to look away, “Yeah but—that doesn’t matter.”

His words were sharp, they hurt. “It does to me…” I muttered.

“Why?” he mumbled to himself.

“Because—”

“WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH IF I LIVED FOR DIED?! I’m a useless ally because I’m unable to kill anyone. Keeping me around is a death wish. I’m just a liability, WHY WON’T YOU LET ME DIE?!”

“Because I love you, you idiot!” The words spilled out, and with them, the tears. I hadn’t meant to say it like that. Not like this. But I needed to say it. No—it was something he needed to hear. He looked stunned. Tears welled up in his eyes, too. A heavy silence filled the tent. “You took me in. You made me believe life could be more than just surviving. And you’ve done nothing but protect me, even when you were breaking. You’re kind, caring, and someone made me believe life was more than just surviving—that maybe it was worth holding onto. SO DON’T YOU DARE SAY YOU DESERVE SOMETHING THAT'S AS BAD AS DYING.”

We didn’t know what to say to each other. But I broke the silence, “So promise me—promise me that you won’t try to kill yourself again.”

“I can’t—”

I raise the gun to my head again, “PROMISE ME!” I shifted my eyes away and my voice softened, “Because if you were to die then I don’t know if I could continue living in this world.”

More tears started flowing down his face. It was as if this was the first time my words had finally reached him, “Okay… I promise.” His words felt genuine. They felt real.

I just hope that he can keep this promise.